Heavy Heart

Tonight, I have a heavy heart. After last week’s stresses caused us to cancel our October weekend together, Frankenstorm may upset our November plan.

He needed to be with His family. I fully supported it when He made the decision last week, I fully supported Him as He left, and I fully support Him now. The weather may delay His flight, may change some of His family’s plans for this week, and may drastically alter our plans.

And I hurt – terribly. I’m so sad I want to curl into a ball and cry into my pillow. My heart is heavy and it aches. The loneliness seeps in when I’m not expecting it. I work hard to keep it at bay. I held on to this weekend’s plans like a ray of sunshine and hope, and now I know that in reality I may lose it.

I continue to be supportive, because there’s no other way to be. He is exactly where He’s supposed to be. I just wish I could be with Him or that I knew He was coming home to me.

The downside to long distance relationships – the distance.

I’ve never gone more than 24 hours without speaking to Him. I’m now on day three. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just the reality of the situation. But God, it hurts.

For a moment, I became defiant thinking about our weekend not happening, and I decided (and my mind cannot be changed) that no matter what, as long as I know He’s on His way home at some point this weekend, I am driving to Him. If I have to sleep in my car or hang out in all night diners or sit outside His door, I will be there this weekend. If it means I only see Him for a few minutes before He has to go to work or before He falls asleep, I don’t care.

Yes, we are Sir and pet. Yes, He beats my ass, bends me to His will, takes what He wants, uses me in kinky ways, and everything else you imagine D/s to be. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. And it is amazing, and it is wonderful, and it is a vital part of who we are as a couple.

But the thing that binds me to Him, more than trust and respect, is love. To simply be in His presence, breathing the same air, existing side-by-side would make me happy right now. And if that’s all I can have, I will take it and be glad for it. I want to see His handsome face. I want to stare into His eyes. I want to hear His growly voice. I want to simply be with Him. I want to offer the comfort of my presence. I want to wrap my arms around Him and remind Him that He is well-loved.

Barring some insanity with the weather or with His family, I will throw caution to the wind this weekend. I will make my drive. I will wait patiently for Him, if I have to, and I do it for love – because my heavy heart deserves to feel light, even if it’s just for a few moments.