For as long as I can remember, I have detested conflict. I can’t say whether that’s because of my submissive nature or just a throwback to my childhood when discussions often got very loud between my parents. I know I hate raised voices. I hate angry voices. I hate conflict.
He and I did not have conflict tonight, but I had the same reaction as if we had. He and I discussed something strongly – we both realized we could not change the other’s mind, and He ended it in the only way I can imagine a Dominant man ending a conversation He doesn’t want to have – abruptly.
I’m not an idiot and I want to please Him – and frankly, I was tired of the discussion myself – so of course when He said drop it, it was done. But it felt like a borderline argument – my blood pressure went up, my stomach churned, and I cried. He would probably tell me to stop being a silly ass if He had known – and I’m sure I would have deserved it.
The topic of the discussion (completely irrelevant in this arena, I promise) was something that already inspired strong emotions in me. His strong emotions – because He disagrees (and maybe because He doesn’t like seeing me upset) – amplified what I already felt. My reaction was purely physical and I’m now exhausted.
Considering this was just a minor conversation, I don’t even want to imagine what will happen if (when) we encounter real conflict. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it – so I’ll think about something sexy instead…
In one week, He will be here with me, in my house, Dominating me in ways I can’t even imagine. I will be collared, naked, used, and abused in new ways. I will service Him in ways He has described to me – and likely in ways that He has not. I will obey without question. I will kneel. I will submit fully.
Yeah, that’s much better than thinking about conflict.