For as long as I can remember, I have detested conflict. I can’t say whether that’s because of my submissive nature or just a throwback to my childhood when discussions often got very loud between my parents. I know I hate raised voices. I hate angry voices. I hate conflict.
He and I did not have conflict tonight, but I had the same reaction as if we had. He and I discussed something strongly – we both realized we could not change the other’s mind, and He ended it in the only way I can imagine a Dominant man ending a conversation He doesn’t want to have – abruptly.
I’m not an idiot and I want to please Him – and frankly, I was tired of the discussion myself – so of course when He said drop it, it was done. But it felt like a borderline argument – my blood pressure went up, my stomach churned, and I cried. He would probably tell me to stop being a silly ass if He had known – and I’m sure I would have deserved it.
The topic of the discussion (completely irrelevant in this arena, I promise) was something that already inspired strong emotions in me. His strong emotions – because He disagrees (and maybe because He doesn’t like seeing me upset) – amplified what I already felt. My reaction was purely physical and I’m now exhausted.
Considering this was just a minor conversation, I don’t even want to imagine what will happen if (when) we encounter real conflict. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it – so I’ll think about something sexy instead…
In one week, He will be here with me, in my house, Dominating me in ways I can’t even imagine. I will be collared, naked, used, and abused in new ways. I will service Him in ways He has described to me – and likely in ways that He has not. I will obey without question. I will kneel. I will submit fully.
Yeah, that’s much better than thinking about conflict.
Would it have been easier to work through if you didn’t already feel so strongly about it? My next question is whether this is a subject that needs resolution in order to maintain your relationship at a healthy level. Just something I was thinking as I read.
I think it will resolve itself…we are so open and communicative with each other (regardless of my efforts to shut down sometimes) that if we come back around to it again and are strong in our opinions again, we’ll deal with it…