I Don’t Want Control

I maintain control in nearly every facet of my life.  Between home and work, even when I should let go a little, I exercise whatever control I can.

The one place I don’t want control is during sex.  I want to give up control completely.  I think.

Letting a man lead me while making love excites me.  But am I a submissive?  I have no idea.

When I read about Doms and their submissives, it’s exciting.  My body reacts to it.  But why?

The trust between them is the most intriguing.  To trust someone so much that you will do whatever they demand/command/request?  That intrigues me.

I don’t want whips, chains, belts, plugs…I don’t think I do.

I want the trust, the willingness, the desire to please – knowing that what I give, I will receive ten-fold.

Is that my ultimate fantasy?  Not the sex scenes that play in my head everyday…but this?  Trust as a fantasy?

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I think about that a lot. How in control I am in every aspect of my life, I just want to give it up during sex. I ask the am I a sub question a lot, but I don’t think I am fully. I want to give up control sometimes, and others I want to be the aggressor. Figuring that all out is hard.

  • I find that the more ‘Type A’ a person is in their every day ‘vanilla’ life, the more likely that they have a desire to be controlled; if they ever get to a place where they are comfortable enough to admit that (to themselves and the other), to express that sexually, they will find their true sexual selves, and find depths of pleasure that were missing.
    By the opposite token, as someone who’s not particularly aggressive in most aspects of my life, I found my true sexual identity when I was with a person who was truly in need of someone they could trust enough to give themselves over as a sub.
    I think it’s possible that it’s truly a question of finding our opposites sexually, in several ways: both in the sense that we each complete ourselves in that our sexual self is the other half of our personalities — and that we each blossom when we finally find a lover who is our sexual opposite. Yin/yang, blab blah…Do I sound pretentious? 🙂

    • Not at all…you vocalized (well, wrote) what I’ve been thinking but didn’t have the words to express…my instinct tells me that I have found that and, if he is so inclined, he would be a superb Dom…but since I can’t exactly force that to happen, I’ll have to see how that part plays out…

      • Good idea; don’t try to force it, as such. Play your part honestly and vigorously is about all you can do in terms of facilitating it. If one is not ‘feeling it’, it’s not his/her thing, or maybe just not yet his/her time. We move at our own pace, and sometimes clocks aren’t synchronized. But when it clicks, suddenly all sense of ‘playacting’ falls away and the personality underneath comes to the surface. When it happens, it’s really pretty incredible… even when, as was the case once for me, the other person ultimately proved incompatible in every other way except sexually… 🙂 Sometimes nature has a great sense of humor, it would seem. But a student, even a student who’s usually the teacher, learns from everything… or should.

        Good luck. I’ll be interested in hearing how it works out, if you’re inclined to share.

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