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How Porn and BDSM Helped Me #AdultSexEdMonth

A couple of weeks ago, I was trolling through the interwebz, mostly Facebook, and I came across a blog post by Chloe Thurlow. We’re erotica authors and Facebook friends, but I don’t know her well. At my quick read of the description and the comments on her post, I was prepared to be offended (which is why I should never read anything quickly). When I actually clicked on the post, I found that I couldn’t argue with her.

Porn can be damaging. Girl’s are treated as sexual objects at much too young of an age. Yes, yes, and yes to her entire post. She makes a good point, and I don’t disagree with her at all.

But there’s an another side to the coin, more to the story, and as is often the case, another perspective.

Let’s lay some ground rules here…

  • I’m a 34 year old mother to two little boys who will be raised to respect all people, regardless of gender or sexuality.
  • I think all sexual acts – whether the physical act or pornographic images or whatever else – must first, and foremost, come from a place of consent. Children are too young to consent, even when they’re nodding their heads in complete agreement.
  • I agree that porn can be damaging to too many people – whether it’s the people they objectify or the people who begin to feel they have a right to someone’s body, time, or attention.

Ok, we’re clear on this? Good, let’s move on.

There are plenty of topics under the big umbrella of “sex” that some people think are evil, wrong, sinful (yummy!), and/or depraved. Porn and BDSM are just two in the giant world of debauchery that many find objectionable. But like most things, they aren’t all bad or all good.

Anyone’s who’s been here for more than 3 seconds knows (or can figure out) that BDSM is my sexual delicacy of choice. I’m a sexual submissive with masochistic tendencies who identifies as a babygirl. He is a sadistic Dominant who also happens to be a nurturing, caring, loving Daddy. We believe and proclaim every chance we get that all kinks are good and ok (even if they aren’t our kinks) as long as they are safe, sane, and consensual. Nothing happens without consent.

Before I was his submissive, he ordered me to love myself, to look at myself in the mirror and see my beauty. I resisted. Part of me resists to this day. But being told every single day how beautiful and desirable you are takes a toll (just as being told how ugly or unworthy you are does). We’re wired to believe the bad and reject the good, but consistent messaging still has an effect. Day after day, in a million ways, he tells me I’m beautiful, and he makes me feel beautiful until I have almost no choice but to see it for myself.

In the middle of our most animalistic fucking, he often whispers, “Who are you, girl?” The answer is ritualistic and a private thing between the two of us. But I can tell you that part of  my response is “beautiful.” I am so many things to my Daddy; beautiful is only one of them. Even at the height of our passion, though, he requires that I remind myself of my beauty.

Let’s think about this in a different way, and all you submissives out there, pay attention…he’s Daddy, a Dominant man. I’m his submissive who has ceded control over to him in a pretty big power exchange. If I refuse to accept his declarations of my beauty and desirability, am I really being a good submissive? Wrap your head around that for a few minutes…

So, there’s the BDSM side of things. And I won’t deny that there are those who use BDSM to do bad things to people. Abusers, fake Doms, even inexperienced Doms can do real damage to their submissives. New submissives don’t always have the strength to walk away or get help. Giving someone control over you, even in a small way, can have serious consequences. I will not diminish that for anyone.

And yes, as Chloe’s post (linked at the beginning) pointed out, porn can have some truly devastating effects as well. I can’t and won’t deny that. But porn helped me. I won’t deny that, either.

I’m a Tumblr junkie. The images I reblog range from kinky fuckery – rough and tumble, purely fantasy, or just sweet D/s – to puppies, kittens, and Adventure Time or Disney memes. I’m kind of all over the place.

In the beginning of my Tumblr addiction, I would have to take breaks from it because I couldn’t handle all of the beautifully air-brushed models. It was too much. After a few minutes of scrolling through the images, my self-esteem would take a hit, and I would feel completely inadequate as a woman.

And then, on a whim, I tried something else. There are fat “fetishists” out there – people who sexualize fat and get off on seeing fat people, having sex with fat people, whatever. I don’t particularly love that but who am I to judge? I decided to repurpose some of those images for myself. I began to seek out and follow Tumblr blogs who purposely posted larger, curvier, less than perfect bodies. (Side note: Why don’t I like fat fetishism? I’ve read a few too many descriptions of BBW (big, beautiful women) who are “desperate” to be fucked and loved by someone who loves fat. It’s another side of the body image coin that degrades women for the size of their body. Can’t we just like to fuck who we like to fuck – fat or skinny??)

You want to know a secret, though? Staring at those (mostly) pornographic images helped. Some of the women still have bodies I may never have. Ever heard of London Andrews? Holy hell, she’s fucking gorgeous.

Consistently looking at pictures of larger women, imperfect women, women with bodies like mine did something amazing for me. It normalized my own body. Other women have stretch marks, fat rolls, dimples, pasty skin – just like me. Some of the images are selfies that women post of themselves for their own reasons. Some of the images are without a doubt pornographic in nature. Some of extremely erotic. All of them serve a purpose that is bigger than sex. I look at those images, and I feel beautiful, sexy, and desirable.

One of my little dreams is to do a photo shoot in a pin-up style-glam kind of way…and/or a BDSM photo shoot. Rawr. I never would have had that urge without porn and BDSM.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

43 Comments

    • There are ways to do it – and I think normalizing what our bodies look like is a key step. I don’t have a clue what you look like but I think you’re beautiful – because our beauty shines from inside and should have little to do with our physical appearance. ((HUGS))

  • I loved your rant Miss Kayla! 🙂

    I was just visiting Mr Vile’s blog and he’s been ranting about similar ideals. You’re exactly correct in that the relationship, be it DD/lg, D/s or M/s, or any combination thereof must be safe, sane and consensual. It must contain love and respect on some level else there is no room for appreciation of what the other in the relationship brings to it by way of value. I believe this is the basis or foundation of ANY relationship of value.

    Well done rant, I loved it… 🙂

    Much respect -Mynx’s Sir (Tom Wolf)

    • I think that’s the thing that gets lost – the same principles that apply in D/s (or whatever other version) should be applied on the vanilla side of things, as well.

  • This is an important follow up on my blog Let’s Talk About Sex and makes the essential point that what takes place between consenting adults is their business. As you say, children are not old enough to be consenting, even when they are nodding their heads in apparent agreement. The porn industry is damaging our children and making adult activities seem seedy and vulgar. The enemy is porn, not erotica and those shoe write it and enjoy it in its many manifestations.

    • I would disagree that porn is an enemy. Like many things, it can be abused and misused, but porn has a place for adults. Yes, there’s addiction (as there is with many things – legal or not), and YES, there’s plenty of misunderstanding – but an enemy? No, I think it has a place in sexuality.

  • Porn is such a sticky subject. As with anything in life, it can be dangerous, it can be abused and it can be abusive. I’ve looked at porn for more of my life than I haven’t. I’m still completely programmed with guilt about it, having hid it forever (I found my first magazine at 10). Perhaps seeing all of those perfect, gorgeous women all the time was part of faltering self image. Maybe it was damaging… but I still have a problem with people upset with the industry, the people making it and the people viewing it. As long as it’s consensual, as long as everyone involved are adults, as long as it’s legal, people need to leave porn alone.

    I disagree with quite a bit if what she said, but I’m only going to say, this isn’t an issue with porn, it is a parenting problem. Had my parents tried to have a discussion with me about it that didn’t end in “people who look at that garbage are going to Hell”… if they had tried to understand what was going on in my young mind instead of making me feel wing and evil, perhaps things would’ve been different.

    Porn is not bad. Even the kind she mentions with seeming “teenage girls” being drilled “violently” by men old enough to be their fathers. Nope. Those images and videos are not the problem. The fact that this pretty young girl is willing to do this (getting paid very well, mind you) isn’t even the problem. The broken men who view this kind of porn with the notion that these are actually young girls, honestly, they are not even the problem. (Though, it is A problem, I don’t deny that.)

    The problem is that we continue to demonize sex in this society. In doing so, we make it SO appealing. Kids like to rebel against their parents. They want to be different than their parents. Kids who see their parents being affectionate are less likely to seek out sexual images, movies, etc. In fact, I actually read an article recently that cited a study/survey that showed that kids who knew their parents were sexually active were less likely to become sexually active early, particularly in a casual manner (which I found incredibly interesting). It also showed that these kids tended to be more age appropriate through other areas of their lives, which I also think contributes to underage porn use.

    I appreciate your view, Kayla, about teaching or kids respect and I appreciate her idea that we need to encourage our kids to just be kids and not try to grow up to fast.

    But… Don’t make sex the enemy. Welcome it. Let’s explain to our kids that sex is a healthy, vital part of loving relationships. Let’s help them with their own self esteem issues by building them up and helping them see the fault in believing what we see in magazines, tv, and movies is truth.

    But protecting them from “sex” is not the answer. That will only drive them closer to the side of sex/porn that is abused and abusive. Porn isn’t the enemy. Misunderstanding is.

    • I don’t disagree that we shouldn’t treat sex like the enemy – but discussions about sex should always be age appropriate. For the first time in recent memory, my children have seen me kiss a man, and I thought they were going to fall over from shock (part of that is the little boy “ick factor” at the thought of ANYONE kissing, of course). That’s part of “normalizing” sex for them without it being about sex at all – it’s about a loving relationship.

      I think you make excellent points – a future blog post, perhaps?

      • Agreed. Age appropriateness is a must. But I really don’t see anything wrong with kids knowing their parents have sex. When they reach an age where they would ask questions, need education, don’t you think they’ll be LESS likely to come to Mom & Dad if they see their parents as asexual beings? I know the little boy ick factor, but I think it’s important for my son to see his father kiss me and hug me. He walked in on a deep, serious kiss the other day, and smiled at us. Seeing your parent(s) in a loving embrace is certainly not harmful. And I think it makes kids feel safer, seeing love in the home. But obviously, we should keep the bedroom door locked at night! ;P

        I have so many blog post ideas, Kayla… for some reason, I rarely publish opinion pieces. I’m not sure why…

        • I agree completely with letting your kids see certain things and know that you have sex – I have a 4yo and an 8yo so some info will probably wait, but not because we’re putting the brakes on anything – simply because they’re not thinking of those things (well, the 4yo isn’t).

          Opinion pieces aren’t for everyone, but I’ve noticed on blogs that don’t write them very often, they bring about a whole new conversation from people you may never hear from. 🙂

  • I agree with Mel completely. I find myself often feeling guilt for the things I look at, and watch.

    But I have to say that Tumblr and FB in particular, have helped me become more and more in touch with who and what I am… and knowing that it is ok.

    I love your words about how you raise your children. 🙂 Great perspective.

    • I felt guilt for AGES about looking at porn and erotica. Now it feels so normal, I have to remind myself that most people don’t look at nearly as much of it as I do.

  • I think the thing that most people especially younger people is that porn is not always realistic. It is an industry of course geared towards making money. Also and this is so much more with BDSM porn is that what is depicted in the pictures is not the true reality of what it is.
    Does porn have a place, certainly when viewed with the understanding that it is not the baseline for a true sex life.

    Speaking of you being beautiful, which you do happen to be, I think you’d be a smoking hot pin-up model!

    • Porn and erotica are both fantasy – that’s the thing that most people forget. But people forget that a lot of things are real life (hello, reality TV?) so I refuse to classify porn as something bad simply because it is misused. With better understanding and knowledge, some people will use it the way it was intended – to get off, to get each other off, to get turned on, to realize their fantasies aren’t weird or crazy (unless of course they are) and maybe (just maybe) to have better sex. 🙂

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