First I'm down, way down. Then I'm up (relatively speaking, of course). Then I'm down, then I'm up. And usually it's a daily change. Today I went down-up-down in about eight hours.
Finishing The Visitor was harder on me than I expected. I started the story based on conversations He and I had, based on shared fantasies. I envisioned it as a story for us, that I might write more based on other fantasies. I aroused myself writing and then re-reading it last night. I considered making myself cum, but I decided against it.
I'm a deeply submissive woman who willingly and happily handed over the sexual part of myself (among other parts) to Him. I allowed Him total control - and now that's gone. The idea of masturbating and cumming at my own discretion is, well, this sounds silly, but it's sad and scary to me.
Clearly, I'm capable of getting myself off and enjoying it with no one directing me. But I'm different now, everything's different now. I don't like the idea of cumming without being told to do it. I don't like doing it just because I can. It feels better when it's a reward for something, or when it's granted for my own good, or when it's begged for and received.
I cried myself to sleep last night, but I can't articulate why. I was just sad.
This morning, when I woke up the sadness hung over me like a cloud. Driving around town, dropping off children, picking up breakfast, heading to work, I was miserable through it all.
I spent two hours on the road today running errands for the office. I cried silently, tears streaming down my cheeks, almost the entire time, and I questioned myself.
Was I just too needy? Was I too much? Did I make this happen?
My heart knows the answers to these questions, but my head's in the way. Every self-doubt and fear filled my brain, and I couldn't stop thinking and questioning.
It was raining like crazy while I was out and at one point, I had no choice but to get out in it and walk across the parking lot and then back. I was soaked by the end of it. When I got back in the car, I hit a wall. The cold and the wet were too much for me to handle. I laid my head on the steering wheel and sobbed.
"I just want something good to happen. Just one thing. Just one!" I don't know if I was praying. I don't know if I was having a temper tantrum. But the sadness and misery in my own head overwhelmed me.
I came back to work, ate lunch at my desk, and worked silently, very silently for a couple of hours. My officemate decided he needed to go to lunch as soon as he saw my face.
I might have gone on that way for the rest of the day until a phone call from a very good friend of mine, a former boss. I told him about a job I had applied to and he knew the CEO. He hung up on me and called him. A few back and forth calls later, he'd put in a recommendation for me and gave me the inside scoop - I'll be getting a call for an interview in a couple of days.
Never underestimate a girl with a goal.
I was over the moon! I started figuring out what I would do with my boys once I knew what day I needed to be there. I lined up childcare (two options). I figured out what I would wear. I thought about where I would stay.
I don't know if I made the right decision to call Him, but the happy, confident me thought about everything He said Wednesday night and everything He'd ever said leading up to that point. I knew I would call Him and ask if I could see Him, if I could stay with Him. I also knew I would need to be prepared for Him to say no.
The only other time I've been nervous to talk to Him was the first night He called me. This was worse. I called...and got voicemail. I tried to sound nonchalant and confident. I tried to make it clear that I knew I was asking more than He might want to give.
The moment I left the voicemail and continued driving, I became sad again.
I couldn't concentrate on the fact that I know an interview is going to happen almost exactly where I want to be. I couldn't concentrate on the fact that I could potentially get out of a shitty place and work for a guy that everyone has told me is a good guy. I couldn't concentrate on the fact that my little question went up to the cosmos and actually happened - something good happened today.
My heart made the decision to call Him, and my head decided to torment me with insecurities that I haven't felt about Him in months.
I jumped on the treadmill tonight, my legs and shoulders aching from yesterday's and this morning's workouts. I decided I'd rather have the physical pain than the emotional. I'd rather clear my head and have a stiff body. I reminded myself of everything He said the last time we talked. I reminded myself of the man that He is.
I'm still nervous about what His response will be - and I will respect whatever He decides. But in this one moment, my heart is winning over my head.