Note: These are my very jumbled thoughts and feelings, incomplete and likely inarticulate, and a lot of rhetorical questions. I’m not looking for any advice or an analysis of who I am based on a single 900-word blog post that I happened to write. But if my weirdness helps you feel less alone in your own jumbled thoughts and feelings, then I’ve done something beyond the navel-gazing that follows, and that’s why I don’t just write my thoughts — it’s why I publish them, too.
I think best by writing, letting the words and thoughts flow from my brain through my fingertips. I am the stereotype of the Joan Didion quote:
I don’t know what I think until I write it down.
In my head, my thoughts about my feelings are often jumbled.
And right now, I’m extremely jumbled.
I want to do things that feel right for myself, but I worry about those things mean for everyone around me. I want to go with my gut, but my head continues to scream, “CAUTION! DANGER! BE CAREFUL!” But I can’t think my way through any of it, so I guess that means I need to write it down.
I’m taking a break from Masturbation Monday. It’s not completely disappearing — the site will remain, but no new prompts, no new round-ups, no gathering of new smut in that specific place will occur for…I don’t know how long. The moment I made the decision, I felt a sense of relief. I knew it was the right one. But I’m also filled with sadness. I think I know why.
For many, many months I’ve felt disconnected to the sex blogging side of my world.
Sit down to talk about BDSM and kink? I’m energized. Making plans for a future project or two with John Brownstone? I’m ready to go.
But type out my thoughts on the state of the world, my sex drive, the community, whatever? Write smut — real or imagined? Let my vulnerabilities live on the internet? I…can’t. I don’t want to. Worse, I don’t recognize myself in any of it right now.
I can’t even blame it on *gestures wildly at the world* — this has been brewing for months. And with each day that feeling persists, I feel more and more like a fraud. Being a “sex blogger” has been a part of my online identity for so long, what does it mean if I’m not that anymore? Or don’t want to be?
Do I want to continue creating the content that’s meaningful to me? For the people who follow me? Yes, absolutely. Let’s do the thing.
But do I feel any joy when I imagine doing what I’ve always done in this space? Over at Masturbation Monday? No.
I think the lack of joy (and let’s be real, even the things we love with a passion aren’t always joyful) is part of a wider burn out that I’ve battled for a few years.
And I hate that. Because it means all those times I was “admired” for being able to do it “all” and patted myself on the back for juggling so much were bullshit. Who was I to think I could or even should try to do so much? It means that everyone who ever shook their head at me, warned that it wasn’t sustainable long-term, or doubted my ability to pull off the impossible was right.
I don’t want them to be right.
There is something intoxicating about being thought to do extraordinary things. It fits nicely with my unhealthy need for validation and approval, to be admired and liked. (There’s a lot of childhood trauma and otherl stuff that really needs to be dealt with in that statement, but I’m not unpacking that here.)
But now I want a quieter life. I want to do the things that matter to me, that fill me with passion, and make me excited to face the day and get out of bed in the morning. Doing so feels like leaving a part of myself behind — the part that got me to this point in the first place.
Except I worry that in a few years, I’ll just give up on it, too, and move on. What does that say about me that I can’t stick with something? Can’t be the person I said I wanted to be for more than a few years? Am I changing my focus because that’s where my heart leads me or because I’m a fickle person who is easily bored and never satisfied? (These are rhetorical questions, y’all — please don’t try to analyze me based on a blog post.)
More importantly, how will my inconstancy and fickleness impact my family and the people I love?
And why does all of this seem to matter so damn much when, in no particular order, there’s a pandemic outside, my country is literally and figuratively on fire, oh, and I have two close family members going through serious health issues right now (cancer and kidney disease) — which may require me to become their part-time caregivers? Those are the things that matter most, but this is what I’m focusing on.
What does this painful, soul-sucking focus on myself, my needs, and my unhappiness say about me in a time when there is so much else wrong with the world right now?
For fuck’s sake, I just bought a house with John Brownstone, and I haven’t even really celebrated yet. There’s just too much else going on. And now I’m having some weird fucking identity crisis.
Who the fuck has time for any of it? But I know if I don’t get the jumbled thoughts out of my head and into a space where I can look at them for what they are, I can’t move forward.
So here I am, feeling like I don’t fit anymore, not sure of exactly who I am, definitely not asking for advice, and putting it out onto a screen, because this is how I think and process.
I love you and appreciate you and all of these feelings you’ve expressed are 100% valid ❤
Thank you so much. A lot of love right back at you. 💜💜💜
No advice just like coming your way. And I agree with Mx Nillin – all very valid!! ❤️🖤❤️🖤❤️🖤❤️🖤
💜 💜 💜
Thank you for sharing. Being an evolving person sure is hard. You’re doing a great job.
It definitely is that.
I see you so much right now my friend
I love you, work wife.💜
I LOVE this SOOOOOO much! Hugs to you and know whichever way your path/journey leads you, you are loved, respected and admired for the beautifully imperfect person you are. Thank you for sharing ❤️❤️❤️
Hugs and as always- your candid thoughts and vulnerability make you who you are- not just the theme of your writing! Lots of love and peace coming your way!
Hugs right back at you.
I hope you get to a “settled” feeling soon. Feeling jumbled is hard.
Yes. All of this. I had to leave blogging for a year feeling these same things. Having our own life transitions….and now the state of the world…our country? Its too much to try to cope with. Im finally getting my footing back…its a three step forwards two steps back pace…but it ebbs and flows. We’re all jumbled. You say it eloquently. Congrats on your new abode!
Thank you! Yeah the state of the world definitely brought a few things into focus for me — now I have to decide what’s important to me and where I want to spend my energy.
Re: having a family member with kidney disease
As someone who has had a partner experience both kidney failure (and ALL the things that go along with that) and subsequent transplant/healing: I’ve been there, in terms of caretaking.
If you have questions, need to vent, or just generally want to talk to someone who ‘gets it’ — please know that I am absolutely present and available for you.
Hugs. It’s hard. Life. Especially when it’s a curveball-throwing part of life.
And this is not advice, just my thoughts and opinion on the subject. Feel free to read, ignore, dismiss, delete or … whatever. I’m only tossing it out here because I have several decades of experience calling myself inconstant and fickle so that I now think I’ve got a right to an opinion about that. My current thoughts and opinions on the subject, which themselves may be subject to change:
Growing as a person means change.
Feeling unsettled and moored in the middle of a change is normal.
Trying to figure out what sort of change one is undergoing is smart.
Adapting to a changing world around you is smart.
Not adapting, not changing, and sticking to stuff that you’ve outgrown, be that for now or forever, is not only highly overrated but also, not smart.
And you’re still writing, right? I’d say it’s okay to have exhausted one’s interest in a particular subject for a time being. Still writing means you’re neither inconstant or fickle, in my book.
I really hope that didn’t come across as advice.
And, good on ya for turning to something you know works for you, writing stuff out to know where you’re at. You’ve got this, even if it doesn’t feel like you do.