New Lines

If I seem to have a preoccupation with my own butt this February Photofest…you’re right.

But this random picture, taken by John Brownstone after I asked, “How does my ass look?” (To which he replied, “Fucking amazing”) and then demanded proof, shows off a lot more than my bottom.

There are lines in my body, dips and bends and curves, I’ve never seen before — that were never there before. And there are lines (like that scar) that I’m very familiar with. But when he says, “That’s a mighty fine ass” I see what he means.

For the last year or so I’ve been on a quest to regain some semblance of health after too many years humble-bragging about being healthy as a horse (pardon the expression) and then having the Universe say, “Hold my beer” to teach me a few lessons. Ulcers, bulging discs, poor overall health, inflammation, added weight, and just miserableness forced me to make changes — not that I’m perfect about those changes or that there aren’t still more to make.

And feeling good for its own sake is a worthy goal. It’s what I was going for, but I would be a liar if I didn’t say that I also wanted to lose a bit of weight, too. But the feeling good goal has been easier to see for myself — although it does feel a bit like a dog chasing its tail. I feel better, and then realize something else (like my sleep or focus) isn’t quite right, so I go down that path to feel better.

But (ha, butt) feeling is the not always the same as seeing. Yes how I feel should matter most, but I’m a product of society, my life, and everything I’ve ever seen, heard, been told, or thought. Wanting to lose weight and see a change in my body is part of that.

The image above (in part of a series of photos John Brownstone took) allowed me to see my body — specifically my back and butt — in a new way. To see the new lines and shapes. To revel in the way my body is changing in a way that I like, that I find pleasing.

Also, photos like this make me think, “Look at that ass, though!”