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Sometimes I wish I was a more pliant woman. I feel like there was a time when I could be a softer, gentler submissive. Lately, I feel so brittle I’m afraid I’ll break.
John Brownstone pushes me as my Dominant, and I push back. Hard. Forcefully. Angrily, even.
Not to be sassy or mouthy or (heaven forbid) bratty. But only because everything feels like a fight. Not between us. It’s every other part of life that feels hard-won these days. Some part of me thinks that if I don’t push back or stand up or stare it down, I might crumble under the strain.
Sometimes I do those things and fall apart anyway.
When I was the single mom, being tough was necessary. Even before I left the ex, I had to be tough. We didn’t eat if I wasn’t. There was no one else in the world to depend on but myself.
Today that’s no longer true. John Brownstone is the truest partner I know. We work together; we rise and fall together. He’s my other half in the best (and more adorable) way possible.
But some battles I have to fight on my own. Including those that go on in my head…literally and figuratively, as well as the battles with my own body. He can support me and love me, but he can’t fix this for me. Only I can do that.
This war is different than the single mom/unhappy marriage fight of old. But some habits can’t be undone in a day. BJB (Before John Brownstone), I was tough, untrusting, brittle. But I never broke, even when I should have, even when the world would have understood if I did. It was something I was a little bit proud of, in an odd way. As if I knew I could take whatever the world dished out.
I feel that way now. Unfortunately being brittle but unbreakable no longer provides the comfort it once did. Maybe because I know I’m not alone — I don’t have to depend on just me anymore. But I can’t help withdrawing, focusing on the fight, the stress, the strain.
It makes me hard, unable to bend when the Dominant in him seeks the submissive in me. My mind and body push back, afraid that too much give will break me. Because that’s what you do when you harden and crack…eventually, you shatter.
I desperately want to be soft and pliable, a willing submissive who’s only thought and response to his (nearly) every wish is, “Yes, Daddy.” To fall against him in some kind of kinky mental trust exercise, knowing he’ll catch me. No one has to convince me that he’s capable of it. That doesn’t mean I can do it yet (again).
The last thing I’ve felt recently has been submissive. The furthest thing from my mind has been my babygirl self. It’s all hard decisions, to-do lists, and recovery. He can hold my hand through it and stand by my side. And he does. But Dominating me through it just isn’t an option.
Soon, I tell myself, soon we’ll be on the other side of this moment in life. I just hope that brittle me doesn’t break first.
Oh Kayla. This was tough to read because I feel like I’ve been with you for a while. I really hope you crest this hill and can stand triumphant at the top. You deserve a little peace and a chance to be a babygirl. May it indeed come soon.
I feel like you’ve always been here (in a weird, but not creepy way, lol), too. And I think I’m getting there…slowly but surely. It’s always a good sign when I can talk/write about something — it means I’m processing instead of reacting, and that’s usually a sign that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
Big hugs Kayla, I know you are in a hard corner right now, and I wish you (and JB) all the very best getting through this. It seems this fight has been ongoing for some time with your health especially. I admire and respect your willingness to share this difficult stuff with your readers, we are all out here cheering you on mate!
Indie xx
Thank you, Indie. ((HUGS))
Big hugs Kayla from me. I know how you feel and my Dom really wants to help me when I get stressed from not having had a job since July and I keep applying for jobs but don’t even get an interview. He also wants to help me when I get stressed out with the family problems happening at the moment. I just can’t seem to let go and tell him how it’s affecting me. I keep it all bottled up inside as all my past relationships I have had to. We don’t actually live together so I can “let go” when I get home on my own and the “stiff upper lip” quivers and lets go.
It’s a bigger help than they realize that they even *want* to help, but sometimes they can’t. It sucks but it’s true.
Just like everything else we have navigated in our lives we will see our way through this storm. I’m here with you all the way.
I know you are, and that makes all the difference in the world.
So sorry you are going through a tough time, but with the strong man next to you and the way he supports you, you will get there. Baby step by baby step. Hugs to you, lovely. I’m always here if you want to talk.
Rebel xox
Thank you. ((HUGS)) I’m on the mend, I think. We still haven’t gotten back to our D/s selves quite yet but I don’t feel the struggle quite as much as I did.
I am new here. Literally just signed in and got a website. I love how open you are with everything. I listen to your podcast with J and love the love between you two. It comes through just as you speak to each other. In a world where our likes and desires are often kept quiet and discrete I love how open you are about your sexuality but more than that how open you are with your emotions. You inspire me and I am sure you inspire others.
Welcome to the world of blogging!! And thank you so much. We want to help people, and it seems easiest just to be who we are while we do it. 🙂