I Don’t Understand These Newly Discovered Desires

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My semi-joking desires for a “Dominant girlfriend” are starting to feel less like a silly joke…

I grabbed a workout mat from the stack by the wall and looked around for an open space. Close to the wall and away from people. I wanted to stretch not make small talk or feel crowded.

As it happens when I’m at the gym, I kept a neutral expression on my face and my eyes slightly down. It’s easier to perv the crowd and people watch.

On the treadmill, it’s easier. I scan the crowd from far away, watching people on the weight machines, knowing they can’t see me. From this vantage point I can watch the people in front of me, too. Most of the time my eyes scan across the crowd, simply noting who I see before thinking of other things.

Certain people almost always catch my attention…

A shiny bald head and broad shoulders over in the free weight area. I always love how he takes time to talk to the (mostly) elderly crowd.

Thick biceps and wide thighs over in the ab area. Dark skin, serious expression. Yes, please!

The rhythmic jiggle and bounce of a round ass on the woman using the elliptical in front of me.

As a mostly (I think) hetero woman with a clear love for John Brownstone, staring at hot guys at the gym isn’t exactly unque. I have no desire to talk to any of them. Wouldn’t know what to say even if I did.

But watching women, and only some women, throws me off. Where did this come from? What does it mean?

Back to the stretch area and my mat. I staked out my spot and tried to pretend my mouth didn’t water at the sight of two women stretching nearby. They were young and fit. They were solid women with definite muscle tone but lush curves too. Round ass, dip in the waist, slightly soft but flat stomach. And I might have found religion in yoga pants – not mine, theirs.

Am I attracted to all women?

I glanced over at a sinewy woman, long and lean, across the way. Instead of feeling nothing, as I expected, I felt whatever the opposite of desire is. Nope. Not her. 

Thankfully I kept it all in my head.

The two younger women fascinated me. I watched the way their bodies moved, impressed by their flexibility. (For once, the thoughts weren’t totally pervy. I wished I could bend like them.)

Feeling foolish and uncomfortable with my own interest, I looked away and told myself to stop being weird while also being grateful I’m capable of some subtlety.

A few minutes later, they left and as I watched them go (from the corner of my eye) another woman walked into the area.

I don’t know what her body looked like. She was fit and small but I didn’t check out her ass or watch her stretch.

Before I could, she made eye contact and smiled at me. Such directness, especially from strangers, especially when I’m feeling things I don’t understand, unnerves me.

Why was she smiling? Probably just being friendly but considering where my thoughts had been seconds before, my brain didn’t know how to react. Neither did my body.

I shifted uncomfortably and tried to smile back. Blushed. Looked away.

When I looked back, her smile was wider, her eyes brighter.

It was likely a nothing moment for her but it came at a unique time for me.

In the perceived safety of the gym, I allow myself to watch and look, without questioning why certain people catch my attention. They certainly don’t all make me want to look twice. I also don’t hold any false belief that anyone, but especially the people I’m drawn to, notice me in the same way.

I’d be extremely uncomfortable if they did. It’s not something I would know how to handle. All of my stranger danger fears would come to the front to protect me from an uncertain situation.

But why – now and recently – am I focusing on specific women with specific bodies? Especially when I definitely find other body types beautiful?

Am I drawn to their body types as my own ideal?

Is it possible I’m genuinely attracted to them?

Could it be that I’m attracted to the idea of them? And does that mean I’m objectifying them in my head?!

Physical Attraction vs. What Really Matters

So let me be the first to say that being physically attracted to someone means very little to me. I’m incapable of acting on pure physical desire without a hell of lot behind it – mental connection, emotional connection, a genuine like of the other person, feeling like I know who they are, and some gut instinct that tells me they’re (likely) safe. I don’t base my friendships, emotional entanglements, or romantic feelings purely on physical attraction.

Physically beautiful people have become ugly to me too many times because of bad attitudes and behaviors. And, likewise, people who aren’t “traditionally” attractive are some of the most beautiful people I know once I develop feelings for them.

At the same time, I hold no false beliefs in my head about my own physical attractiveness, so it’s not something I base relationships on.

But these aren’t relationships, are they? This is pure, unadulterated desire. For very specific types of bodies. Not individuals that I know and like but what I see in front of me from a distance.

That certainly doesn’t seem like an accurate way to decide what the hell I’m thinking or why I feel this way.

Am I product of unfair and impossible to achieve beauty standards? Do I secretly covet the bodies of the women I see?

I don’t think so.

When I see women that catch my attention, I imagine how soft their skin probably feels. And what their voice might sound like. God knows I’m wondering if they’re kinky (because of course I’m thinking that).

It’s lust and desire, but where is it coming from?

The answer, I think, is that it probably doesn’t really matter, and I should just enjoy the damn moment.

My Joke About Dominant Girlfriends

Lately I’ve cracked a couple of jokes about needing a “Dominant girlfriend.” A Changing Room Interlude by Tits and Test Tubes made me think about it in a joking-not-really-but-let’s-pretend kind of way. Her description of the encounter hit a lot of buttons for me.

My brain latched onto it – the scene, imagining myself in a moment like that. And my body responded accordingly.

While John Brownstone and I are open to the idea of open relationships and being polyamorous, I’ve never seen how it can work practically. Not because it’s a bad idea.

Mostly because I’m “difficult” at the best of times and fucking hard work at the worst. Ask JB, he can tell you.

I recognize how special my relationship is with my Daddy Dom husband, and I know how hard he worked to make me believe in us. A big part of me thinks that kind of care, attention, and effort only comes around once or twice in a lifetime.

I wouldn’t ask or expect anyone else to work nearly as hard as he did, and certainly not in a poly situation.I don’t do half measures and casual has never been a thing that appealed to me. Maybe real life lightning strikes twice but metaphorical lightning has a tougher time.

So yes, when that woman made direct eye contact and smiled, in that strange moment of desire and vulnerability, my submissive brain went into overdrive. And my (very familiar) walls went up – it was instinctual, I think. She was likely just being friendly but I reacted to something else about the moment.

For all my weird desires – that really have me worried about objectifying people’s bodies, gawd I hope I’m better than that – I know that doing anything about it is highly unlikely.

Would he support a “Dominant girlfriend” in my life? Probably, as long as it was healthy, consensual, and something we discussed…

But I think my brain wants the fantasy more than the reality. A woman with a specific form, a specific kink, a specific way of being…who also happens to be open and poly and….

Yeah, I think it’s safe to say this is in the realm of the fantasy…maybe that’s where it needs to stay.

But I still wish I knew what it meant…and what it says about me.

P.S. I say “Dominant girlfriend” but really it’s a top thing. The idea of having a second Dominant who could work seamlessly with the best damn Dominant I know is less likely to happen than me hitting the lottery. But a girlfriend who topped me? Yeah, it has an appeal, for sure.

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! The prompt for this week is about “neighbors” and while this clearly isn’t about that, the women in the stretching area were temporary neighbors occupying the same space. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. For actual smut, click below.