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There are some things I know to be true about my kinky self:
I’m sexually submissive. I enjoy rough sex, impact play, and some pain. Tie me up, pin me down, and control me, and I get off.
On any given day, no matter how I feel, I know those things to be truths that I’ve discovered over the years. But while they are true, they aren’t absolutes.
Not just anyone gets to be my kinky partner. Only the person (or people) who earn my trust do.
I don’t want rough sex every time I fuck.
Not every pain is good pain. The pain I loved yesterday might be too much today.
Sometimes I’m a giggly babygirl, teasing you in a lighthearted way. Other times I’m a quiet, obedient submissive waiting to serve and be used, showing a self-discipline I don’t always believe I have.
And (don’t tell John Brownstone this) but I’m probably sometimes a bratty girl. Doing what I want. Saying what I want. Damn the consequences!
People (in general) decide what’s right for them – sexually or not – in a variety of ways: current experience, thoughts, personal beliefs, education, childhood experiences. Frankly, some people don’t spend enough time thinking about what’s right for them. But once decided, it tends to be seen as an absolute. This is who I am. No wiggle room for change. No allowance for mood, time, circumstance.
We’re All Figuring It Out
For those of us who pride ourselves on figuring out who we are, we sometimes feel like a failure or a fraud when our reality doesn’t match up with who we believe ourselves to be. Sometimes that’s a good thing because we need to be shaken out of a stupor of bad decisions, lazy thinking, or complacency. But other times, what we need most is to forgive ourselves. Oh, not for “not being perfectly who we think we are all the time.” No, instead, we need to show ourselves kindness and forgiveness for ever believing we had to be the same exact thing all the time.
- So yes, I’m sexually submissive with a lighthearted giggle and a joy for tweaking my Daddy Dom’s figurative and literal nose. But I also harbor dark desires of humiliation, degradation, and a wildness I don’t always understand.
- Yes, I constantly seek to be the “good girl” in nearly any situation, vanilla or otherwise, wanting to do things the “right” way. But I’m also willing to thumb my nose at what society believes “good girls” should do.
These are just kinky examples but it applies to every facet of life.
Not All Desires are Sexual
No matter how you think of yourself, who you think you are, what you want to be, and what you really are, there are moments (good and bad) when you find yourself in a different place. When it’s a negative thing, pull yourself back, get honest with yourself, and do better next time. When it’s simply a different desire, need, or behavior than you’re used to that’s neither good nor bad, either accept it as who you are or try to figure it out. See if it has a place in your self-identity now or if it was a failed experiment you didn’t plan.
But getting stuck in black or white thinking about who we are and what we want stops us from experiencing all the (forgive me for this) shades of gray in between.
None of us are always one thing or another. Sometimes, even for the briefest moments, a new color flashes through. What we do with that moment is up to us. It’s taken me many years to realize that, good or bad, it’s better to accept it as who I am and figure out how it fits with who I want to be.
What I want and who I am is always in some degree of flux. Nothing about any of us is completely black or white, even if we haven’t quite figured it out about ourselves yet. That’s not a kink thing, a sex thing, or a vanilla thing. It’s a life thing.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt is black and white. There were so many directions I could go but a little soul-searching I did this week on a less than kinky topic spurred my writing today. I’ve found myself in places I didn’t want to be, not always making decisions I should make. It’s not who I am, but it’s who I’m capable of being which meant it was time for self-reflection. Okay, if you’d prefer some smut to go with your reading, you know where to go and what to do.
Completely agree, it’s what makes life so exciting, variety is needed because we’re not the same person every single day. We are different shades of ourselves, different aspects are dominant one day than another. It’s fascinating isn’t it?
It IS fascinating. Much more so now that I accept that about myself instead of trying to force myself to be one thing or another. 🙂
I have bookmarked this post as it is now in writing with you using the “B” word hehehe so no more denying that at times you can be and are a bit of a brat.
You weren’t supposed to notice that part! 😉
To late..Busted 😉
Thank you for a great article. I will admit to having made the same relationship mistakes more than once but finally I have broken the mould. My new Dom is so loving and to him cuddles are just as important as anything else especially when I am down. He pushes me when he thinks I need it too. xxxx
I am so happy for you!!! 🙂
I agree – We are ever changing which means colour may abound for a while and then we just meander on for a bit portraying the greys – but I don’t think we are ever just black and white.
Oh the meandering…I know it well. 🙂
“For those of us who pride ourselves on figuring out who we are, we sometimes feel like a failure or a fraud when our reality doesn’t match up with who we believe ourselves to be” hell yes to this, but also why I struggle with titles and names and roles, because I cannot be so black and white as to fit into the label all the time.
Thank you! And ironically, titles, names, and roles actually center me. But for me, I had to learn that there’s a spectrum for everything, even once you name it. So yes, I’m “babygirl” but that can mean something slightly different from day to day. (Which keeps JB on his toes, lol.)
Kayla, I reallllly needed to read this tonight. I recently started rethinking all of my wants/needs as they relate to kink after I started wondering, What am I really? Why does it seem so important to people who are in this lifestyle that I have a label? I don’t want a label, I don’t want to be a label and then adapt my behaviors to that (or those) labels. I recently started seeing myself more in an “explorer” mode than a submissive, although I feel I can be both things. Anyway, one day I hope you will write a post (or do a podcast) about “how to find a play partner without falling in love when you find the perfect one,” because that’s where I’m at. Ugh!
I think seeing yourself as an explorer is a great idea – regardless of which side of the slash you identify with most. Exploring your desires leaves you open to so many possibilities and if labels don’t work or make you feel like you can’t be open to something new, then I say reject the hell out of them. 🙂
A topic on how to handle play partners in a way that’s good for both of you is probably a good idea. We’ll definitely give it consideration. 🙂
Once again Kayla you have written an amazing article.
Sometimes I feel like I get so caught up with the idea of being a slave, that I forget that my needs, wants, and desires change and there’s nothing wrong with that. Another thing I tend to focus on is that because I consider myself a slave, that there’s a certain way I am to act/behave, even though that’s totally not the case. Thanks for some wonderful food for thought and I shared this in one of my submissive groups on Fetlife as well as my submissive group on Facebook.
Thank you, TR! I think wanting to do things the “right” way is understandable, until it interferes with the reality of what you want and need, as well as what your life actually looks like. There is no one right way, only what’s right for us in the moment. 🙂
This is so true! When you say you are into something, people tend to think you are always into it. I love pain, but there are times (such as now when my head is too full of too many things) that I cannot handle the slightest form of pain. Damn, I cannot even handle sex at this moment, where in the past I couldn’t go without it for a couple of days. There’s always a degree of flux to everything in life… whether in business, personal or sex.
Great post! Definitely one of my favorites for this week 🙂
We went through something similar when JB’s sister died a couple of years ago, and the one thing I know is that what you’re feeling now can and will change again…eventually. ((HUGS))
And thank you!
Absolutely yes to this, just because I like spanking/impact play does mean that I would want that every day. It is weird when it comes to sex stuff why when you say you like something or want something people often assume that is the end of the story rather than it just being the beginning
Right, like if you’re into a thing, that’s all you’re into and you want it ALL the time.
The more I read your blog and other I see that so much of BDSM is finding your authentic self and being true to yourself when it evolves. Thanks!
Awww, thank you! I think you just said it better than I have. 🙂