All Breakups Suck, But D/s Breakups are AWFUL #podcast

Breakups suck. D/s breakups feel even worse. If you’ve never known the pain of ending your intense, kinky relationship, I’m happy for you. The rest of us aren’t so lucky. While I’ve written about recovering from this kind of heartache before, John Brownstone and I thought it was something we needed to discuss on the show.

No, we don’t tell you how to avoid breakups. But (hopefully) we can help those of you going through it realize you’re not alone and that awful, soul-shattering feeling won’t last forever. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll find something in the episode to help you in your next D/s relationship.

I want everyone to find happy, healthy kinky relationships but I also know that the person who was “the one” at first can become the one you don’t want after a while. In most relationships, there’s a right way and a wrong way to end it. It won’t lessen the pain but doing it the right way might give you both closure.

Oh, and for the record, toxic and unsafe relationships aren’t what we’re talking about. In those relationships, you do whatever you have to do to get out and stay safe. 

If you’re so inclined, stick around to the very end of the episode for more “bonus” material. I accidentally edge the audience and John Brownstone denies the “climax” aka what I wanted to tell everyone.

From the show:

  • Want to spice up your sex life with fun-filled box of surprises? Check out Unbound!
  • Breakups happen for any number of reason: incompatible, cheating, violating consent, being unsafe, just not liking the other anymore.
  • In a perfect world, it would be a mutual, but probably still painful, decision, but it rarely happens that way.
  • If you’re unhappy in your relationship or don’t want to be that person’s Dom or sub anymore, it’s better to break it off (nicely and gently) than to let it linger or, worse, abandon the other person. Abandonment happens to Doms and subs.
  • Breaking up with your kinky partner: be honest, don’t go silent, just freaking say it, and if you’re capable/willing, be there for them for a certain amount of time after the breakup.
  • Being dumped: Cry, scream, drink a lot of wine, fuck a random person (consensually and with protection, y’all) but let yourself grieve in whatever way you need to.
  • Don’t stalk them, constantly message them, beg them to come back. This only prolongs the agony.
  • Breakups are the death of a relationship. Both sides are allowed to grieve in their own way. It takes as long as it’s going to take for you to get over it.
  • There are lessons to be learned in every failed relationship. Don’t be afraid to look back and see what you missed when you were in the middle of it.
  • When you’re in a toxic or unsafe relationship, the “rules” of a good breakup don’t apply. Do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from the situation and stay safe.

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Hi I have to say I enjoy your podcast and your blogs especially masturbation Monday. Even though I am not on a d/s relationship I enjoy reading and listening to different things. From listening I got the nerve to ask my husband to spank me and omg we both were turned on by it. Even though you talk about d/s you can apply the concepts to almost any relationship. I want to say thanks to you and John Brownstone for having the show. Love the aftershow but I wish he let you tell that thing. That was so wrong. My husband does that say I have something to tell you but either tell you later or another time. Drives me nuts. I hope you got to test out a new toy. Glad you are feeling better.

    • Thanks for listening, and OMG, if we helped encourage an enjoyable spanking, WOW! That’s soooo awesome!

      Yeah, I don’t know WHEN he’ll let me spill the beans…hopefully soon. 😀

  • Thank you so much for your blog, your website and your podcast. My husband and I are new to this…we had been working up to this mildly for a couple of years, but D/s has been in my mind since before I met him (we’ve been married for 12 years now) and I just recently finally “came out” to him fully about what I want. I had a lot of fear that it would be too much and turn him off. He’s such a sweet loving man and I didn’t want him to think that I had no appreciation for that. After so long, he was able to surprise me by admitting to a “dark side” that he had locked away and we have been having kinky fun time since. It’s so much fun and so hot to see him thinking about it now. I see him researching techniques so he can be better (I think he’s perfect) and talking to me about it. Our already mostly open communication has become completely open and we are more connected and close than we have ever been. Our marriage has blossomed more that I could have ever believed. I am fulfilled and so full of love and joy now. So thank you. That’s what I came here to say…just thank you.

  • You’re right, these break ups are devastating. It’s enough to deal with before adding a power exchange to the mix…
    It has taken me a long time to pick up all the pieces, and I’m still not sure if I will ever fully do D/s or DD/lg again.

    Great post.

    • ((HUGS)) I think it’s important for people to realize that it’s going to take however long it needs to take. We intertwine ourselves in a very intimate way in D/s, and it’s rarely something that you just “get over.” I just want you to find happiness, in whatever flavor or form that takes, Cinn. ((HUGS))

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