It’s funny (in a sad, not ha-ha kind of way) how I hear about certain issues or problems for people in kinky relationships all at the same time (sort of that “when it rains, it pours” kind of thing). Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen a rash of emails and other messages with the same overall theme:
Person is in a D/s relationship. Things aren’t right but they don’t know if it’s “okay” or “normal.” Should they continue to let their partner do XYZ thing that makes them uncomfortable, nervous, or angry?
Sure, that’s an oversimplification, but it’s a pretty good template for some of the most common problems I’ve heard about lately.
The answer is usually a big old “Hell no!”
And if you thought you were alone, you’re not. It happens all the time. Going from vanilla to D/s doesn’t mean you’re automatically really good at relationships. If you’re not educated about D/s or BDSM, there will be problems. If you’ve never been in a healthy relationship that was built on communication or honesty, there will be problems.
Because the same things are coming up over and over again, I figured it was time to talk about it on the podcast. I’m sure there’s more that could be added to the list, but for right now, here are some common issues I’ve noticed failing, bad, or unhealthy D/s relationship.
Oh, and for the record I don’t think every faltering D/s relationship is doomed but both people have to recognize there are issues and want to work on them.
Note: For my readers out there, there is no transcript for this show.
From the show:
- Even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, you know when a relationship has gone bad.
- It requires both of you working together to figure out a way forward.
- Here are some signs of a bad D/s relationship – and yes, some will look like “red flags” that we’ve discussed before.
- Unwilling to communicate
- Changing the rules with no warning
- Punishing without explaining
- Saying things like “I’m the Dom, I can do what I want” with no negotiation or consent
- Doubts about opening up your relationship but feeling like you have no choice
- Emotional manipulation which isn’t the same as a mindfuck
- Wanting two incompatible things and not willing or able to find a middle ground
- It’s better to be alone than in a bad relationship. If you can’t make it work, have the strength to walk away.
- Yes, submissives can end a relationship, too.
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