I live a double life. A lot of sex bloggers and erotic writers do.
For some of us, we do it out of fear.
Fear of the reactions from our families.
Fear of losing our jobs.
Fear of losing our kids.
Fear of being judged.
I admit it. I'm scared. I hate the thought of my mother asking, "Why do you write about this stuff?" in her slightly worried way or my stepfather berating me in his judgmental way (the Southern twang doesn't soften it a bit). I worry that one day my ex will get his shit together and use it as a reason to seek custody of the boys.
I'm only slightly worried that I'd lose work over it.
Because there's something about this life in the kinky world where I discuss my most intimate moments and share my opinion on kink, sex, and orgasms. I feel like my truest self here. When I step into the world of Kayla Lords, I feel more complete than I do in the vanilla world. For comparison, it's a very similar to the feeling I had when I discovered submission - the feeling of a puzzle piece clicking into place.
For all the fears and worries, there's another problem with this double life thing that I could never have predicted.
I'm finding that I'm less able to function in my vanilla life. My anxiety is through the roof. My writing is stale and stagnant. I haven't blogged as a vanilla writer in months.
Because when I sit down in that part of my world, the things I really want to say aren't for that audience. They're for this one. They're for you. This is my home. This is where I've found my tribe.
But the things that make sense to share in the vanilla world don't fit the kinky persona I've got over here. And, they're more likely to give away my anonymity.
It's as if I have two separate lives. Two separate personalities. Two separate worlds.
It's as if my mind is in two distinct pieces that desperately want to join together. They reach for each other, and with barely a millimeter between them, back away because of...I don't know. Fear. Uncertainty.
If I was the type to wish for a magic wand to make everything better, I'd wave away all my problems. I'd be more than just a kinky writer, I'd simply be a writer who writes the things that matter to me. Or maybe I'd embrace the double life and just get to work on the vanilla writing. Or maybe I'd start another blog as Kayla Lords. Or maybe I'd wish away all the judgement and hypocrisy the vanilla world sometimes throws at us.
Or maybe I'd wish away my worries and fears and not give two shits about what people think about me.
But I don't have a magic wand, and I'm not ready to not care. Not yet, anyway.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week's prompt was about identities - especially as writers and bloggers. It's been on my mind a lot lately, and this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm working through my thoughts and feelings about it all. I have no clue what I'll do about it, but in the meantime, I'll keep doing what I love and figure out the rest later.