I live a double life. A lot of sex bloggers and erotic writers do.
For some of us, we do it out of fear.
Fear of the reactions from our families.
Fear of losing our jobs.
Fear of losing our kids.
Fear of being judged.
I admit it. I’m scared. I hate the thought of my mother asking, “Why do you write about this stuff?” in her slightly worried way or my stepfather berating me in his judgmental way (the Southern twang doesn’t soften it a bit). I worry that one day my ex will get his shit together and use it as a reason to seek custody of the boys.
I’m only slightly worried that I’d lose work over it.
All that being said, it hasn’t stopped me from showing my face from time to time. I don’t disguise my voice on the podcast. Yes, the avatar I use online is me.
Because there’s something about this life in the kinky world where I discuss my most intimate moments and share my opinion on kink, sex, and orgasms. I feel like my truest self here. When I step into the world of Kayla Lords, I feel more complete than I do in the vanilla world. For comparison, it’s a very similar to the feeling I had when I discovered submission – the feeling of a puzzle piece clicking into place.
For all the fears and worries, there’s another problem with this double life thing that I could never have predicted.
I’m finding that I’m less able to function in my vanilla life. My anxiety is through the roof. My writing is stale and stagnant. I haven’t blogged as a vanilla writer in months.
Why?
Because when I sit down in that part of my world, the things I really want to say aren’t for that audience. They’re for this one. They’re for you. This is my home. This is where I’ve found my tribe.
But the things that make sense to share in the vanilla world don’t fit the kinky persona I’ve got over here. And, they’re more likely to give away my anonymity.
It’s as if I have two separate lives. Two separate personalities. Two separate worlds.
It’s as if my mind is in two distinct pieces that desperately want to join together. They reach for each other, and with barely a millimeter between them, back away because of…I don’t know. Fear. Uncertainty.
If I was the type to wish for a magic wand to make everything better, I’d wave away all my problems. I’d be more than just a kinky writer, I’d simply be a writer who writes the things that matter to me. Or maybe I’d embrace the double life and just get to work on the vanilla writing. Or maybe I’d start another blog as Kayla Lords. Or maybe I’d wish away all the judgement and hypocrisy the vanilla world sometimes throws at us.
Or maybe I’d wish away my worries and fears and not give two shits about what people think about me.
But I don’t have a magic wand, and I’m not ready to not care. Not yet, anyway.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt was about identities – especially as writers and bloggers. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, and this is only the tip of the iceberg. I’m working through my thoughts and feelings about it all. I have no clue what I’ll do about it, but in the meantime, I’ll keep doing what I love and figure out the rest later.
I’m not an author or sex blogger, but I am anonymous and blog about my D/s and kinkery, as well and many other things. But I find the same is true for me. I often feel at odds, and merging the two in one place has its issues. My anxiety skyrocketed and periodically spikes. I often wish my ‘tribe’ were people I could connect with in person and that it wouldn’t feel so disjointed.
I wish you luck in finding wholeness with it all.
I consider you a “sex blogger” simply because you share your kinky fuckery. But I think any of us, regardless of topic, who blog anonymously (or close to it) probably find it difficult. I feel the same way about my own tribe. I want everyone close, in person, and to have a conversation and cup of coffee with them.
All I think I can say is, “Amen, and I’m glad I’m not the only one.”
Amen is right. We are not alone.
I struggle with balance a lot. Do I work on my novel or do I accept the paid gig where I’ll write up the Disney on Ice show for a local website. Do I write for Delilah Night or the Expat blog. Like you I too frequently default to DN and “her” work.
I’m working on balance, but just like you I wish I had the magic wand and am frustrated not to have one.
You’re not alone.
More magic wands are definitely needed!
And yes, I will definitely default to KL over the vanilla stuff. But the paid gigs almost always win. Too bad we need money to live. Can’t we just live off of fairy dust, the smell of ink, and the thrill of finishing a novel?? I vote for that!
“Or maybe I’d wish away my worries and fears and not give two shits about what people think about me.”
I’ve been there too, where you are now and the above was something that I also said to myself. On my side it’s been a process of six years to come to the point I am now and which is reflected in my post. I’m done with living two lives….
But I understand why you are not ready yet.
Rebel xox
I read your post and it gave me hope. But you said it best…it’s a process. Every day I’m a little closer….I’ve almost outed myself to my family a few times. One day…
As I just mentioned on Collared Mom’s post, I sometimes actually ENJOY living that double life! LOL!!!
But, like all things, one must keep a balance of what is acceptable (and respectful to others too I think) . . . and what one really, really enjoys and feels about certain things.
So, I try to look at it as a necessary balance . . . and try to enjoy and thrill too.
Xxx – K
There was a time I definitely got a thrill out of it. These days, it happens less and less. But it is definitely all about balance.
I let my two lives slide together, slowly and carefully. It was extremely comfortable for quite a few years. Then we got new management at the place I’d worked for over a decade. And I got fired. My books were mentioned, and it was a sort of general hysteria of “we don’t want you around our clients.”
Moral of the story: if you’re kinky or queer and have a vanilla day job that you depend on, it IS safer to keep your two selves separated.
~SM
I agree completely! When I worked for a company, I would NEVER have considered letting them know – even though it might have been alright with management at the time. But now I work for myself, and if a client or two doesn’t like it, I can still support myself. I think all of us have to balance all of those issues – privacy, employment, etc. to find what’s right for each us.
Only recently did I decide to show my face, in video no less, but I’m still pretty anonymous. My family knows NOTHING of what I do. I’ve taken nearly-week-long trips for blogger related things and had to make up stories to my mother (because yes, she’ll call every other day, sigh). What’s funny is that some of the stuff I’m doing, I kinda think maybe she’d be proud? Or my late father would be. They’re both chemists. But my mother is very much a “what will people think” person. She encourages me to wear “girdles” to hide my fat more. Pulls at my shirt in public so that the shelf of my fat ass is more covered. Everything is about appearances and my god what would people THINK of what I do?? Also for the first 3.5 years of my blog I worked for the state government. If they knew about my site I would have gotten fired, for sure.
Your fears about custody are not unfounded. Crista Ann and her family lost primary custody because she is not anonymous. The other parent actually said “But your honor….she’s…a BLOGGER!!!”.
I am so much more “me” as Lilly. This is kinda my calling. This is my passion. This is my thing I’m kinda good at. That I’m proud about. That when I can talk about it with someone who isn’t a fellow blogger, my face lights up. It’s just sad that I can’t tell most people IRL. It sucks.
Yes! My mother is concerned about propriety (not quite like that) too. You want to share but then you don’t. Mom’s approval is still to important (at least for me).
And yes! It’s a calling and passion for me, too. It definitely sucks when you feel like you can’t share what you care about most. ((HUGS))
Oh. Yes. Ugh. I’m me. The kink, the casual sex and the non monogamy is me. So too is the gardening and the knitting (sexiest hobby ever!) and all the nieces and nephews. It’s so hard and confusing, isn’t it?
We want to share ALL THE THINGS, lol. One day, maybe we will. 🙂
I do understand how you feel. My family and one very close friend knows about my kink life. But others that know me do not know. I have to censor myself all of the time. Trying to keep both lives apart is a pain in the butt. Maybe one day we will not have to hide.
I think Marie said it best…it’s a process. The stars have to align, our comfort level has to increase, and one day we can do it. Not today. But one day.
I have been struggling with this same issue since 2005. Tia Tormen was not my birth name, but I answer to it in the appropriate venue. As a photographer of, ah-hem, “less than socially acceptable” photography, I’ve had to hide this side of my persona from my work, family and a lot of the social peer groups I am around. Most of them just would’t understand, even in this day when “coming out” is cause for celebration.
I try to think of my “secret identity” as my superpower. I get to take awesome photos to my hearts content and only those that know me as Tia — those that accept Tia — get to view and read and see everything that I create and I get to do this, guilt free. This is Tia, this is who she is, this is what she loves. Sometimes that vanilla side gets jealous that Tia gets to have all the fun. 🙂
Vanilla life has it’s place. Sometimes I don’t mind tucking Tia away for a while and just spending some good vanilla time with the family.
The good news is, there can be balance between the two sides, instead of a struggle for dominance over your life. Once you learn to balance the two sides of your life, you will find contentment.
And that may be the problem. I don’t have balance. Of course, since I would love for my Kayla life to be my main source of income and the biggest part of my career, I may never find it. In my family, we all talk about our work a LOT…and this is my passion, my love, my kink, and my outlet, but it’s also part of my career – which means in the family dynamic, I have very little to say and my income is partially a mystery.
All that being said, I definitely understand what you mean about the joys of being with people who get this side and accept it. My interactions with people are much healthier and more fun when I interact as Kayla because there’s no real pretense. If they met me as Kayla, then they know more about me than anyone and if we’re friendly, then they’ve accepted it. It’s very freeing. 🙂
I understand completely! I would love it if my Tia profession generated enough stable income that I didn’t have to go to my day job. Unfortunately it doesn’t. 🙁
Maybe eventually you’ll be able to talk to some of your family/friends and some of them will understand.
I’m getting to that “fuck-it” point where I care less and less who knows–especially now with publishing a novel that is heavy on the sex scenes and still not entirely family friendly.
My kids are also now almost all grown, so it’s less of an issue with their schools or peer groups finding out. I’m not out there advertising, but if someone comes to me and asks, I’m honest with them. I figure if they have the courage to ask, maybe there is more to their lifestyle than I first thought.
I also found groups that I can freely be myself and I agree, it is very freeing.
I hope eventually you find your balance.
Tia