This Isn’t Like The Last Time

Things have been off between us. Not because we’re off, but because life sucks sometimes. I know that. My rational, thinking self knows everything is perfectly fine. However, there’s another side of me that jumps at shadows and things that go bump in the night.

Looking back with the perfect vision of hindsight, I should have seen the end coming the last time. Permissive orgasms when denial and control were the preference. Lack of consistent communication blamed on life becoming crazy. Nothing being “normal” anymore.

When I see something that even remotely resembles “the last time,” I become terrified. No matter how clearly my rational mind tells me that this isn’t like that. We’ve been busy. You had a rough day. A phone call ended abruptly. All innocent things that don’t mean the end is near. I feel a bit like Chicken Little crying that the sky is falling when I feel this way, even though I know that the sky is still right where it should be.

I realized today that something has changed. I’m no longer afraid of being hurt and feeling sad. This isn’t about not wanting to go through heartbreak again (which, of course, I don’t). This isn’t about feeling so sad that I can’t breathe or feeling  pain so bad that I wonder why I haven’t died from it.

I’m more afraid of losing you than anything.

I admitted to a vanilla friend that I was “seeing someone.” The announcement was monumental to them because they know I keep my relationships very private.  I want to shout from the rooftops that we’re together, that we’re building something. I want everyone in my life to know you. I believe you want the same.

We’re not really building anything. Not yet. But I want to. With you. I love you.

And I promise, I know this isn’t like the last time. This is different. We’re different.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I applaud your braveness. It’s not easy of putting your fears and hopes down in writing but it looks like this is a wonderful step and I wish you the very best on your journey with him 🙂

    • Thank you. He’s been a very patient man all this time, and in just two days of life being weird, I was ready to freak out. I realized my freak-out was driven by something, so I knew I had to write until I figured it out. 🙂

  • Life has a way of throwing curve balls, it happens, life happens. It doesn’t mean that the end of something is imminent.
    Life’s speed bumps, I hope you and Daddy talked about what has been happening. Keep a line of communication open, deal with the speed bumps of life and continue caring for one another.

  • Great job for being able to look at it rationally and emotionally and do what you needed to help find your balance. It takes courage that many of us lack and you have done it well. Being willing to communicate and share the dark parts helps us better enjoy the light filled parts.

    • Thank you. 🙂

      I spend a lot of time in my own head and writing helps me think things through. I actually started the post in one frame of mind, talked to him before I finished, and when I went back to finish the post, I was in a completely different frame of mind…I had better perspective. 🙂

  • I understand your freak-outs. They feel like some internal pressure demanding release, the whistling teakettle coming to a boil. Yes, writing is often the very best way to get release (when you can’t get a spanking.) 😉

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