Things have been off between us. Not because we’re off, but because life sucks sometimes. I know that. My rational, thinking self knows everything is perfectly fine. However, there’s another side of me that jumps at shadows and things that go bump in the night.
Looking back with the perfect vision of hindsight, I should have seen the end coming the last time. Permissive orgasms when denial and control were the preference. Lack of consistent communication blamed on life becoming crazy. Nothing being “normal” anymore.
When I see something that even remotely resembles “the last time,” I become terrified. No matter how clearly my rational mind tells me that this isn’t like that. We’ve been busy. You had a rough day. A phone call ended abruptly. All innocent things that don’t mean the end is near. I feel a bit like Chicken Little crying that the sky is falling when I feel this way, even though I know that the sky is still right where it should be.
I realized today that something has changed. I’m no longer afraid of being hurt and feeling sad. This isn’t about not wanting to go through heartbreak again (which, of course, I don’t). This isn’t about feeling so sad that I can’t breathe or feeling pain so bad that I wonder why I haven’t died from it.
I’m more afraid of losing you than anything.
I admitted to a vanilla friend that I was “seeing someone.” The announcement was monumental to them because they know I keep my relationships very private. I want to shout from the rooftops that we’re together, that we’re building something. I want everyone in my life to know you. I believe you want the same.
We’re not really building anything. Not yet. But I want to. With you. I love you.
And I promise, I know this isn’t like the last time. This is different. We’re different.