Ugly tears. Wracking sobs. Feelings of worthlessness.
Yep, I was a hot mess.
I have so many thoughts in my head about why…
Hormones. Damn the fuckers.
Mental instability. Could I really be bi-polar or anxious or something else that I don’t even have a name for it? I don’t know, but I wonder.
Complete lack of confidence in myself and a disturbing need for positive feedback. Ugh.
The constant battle in my head between my competing personalities. No, I don’t mean that I have multiple personalities, but parts of who I am don’t mesh the way I think they should. The logical side of myself gets into bloody, knock down fights with my creative side. It’s brutal, y’all.
Lower than low self-esteem. This is the one I hate the most.
What started it this time?
Money is tight. I earn less now than I did in January. Four years ago, I left my husband because he couldn’t pull his own weight. Not couldn’t. Wouldn’t.
My greatest fear is having John Brownstone ever look at me the way I looked at my ex-husband.
I wonder if I’m a good enough writer. (Yes, I know I’m decent, at least better than some, worse than others, right in the middle.) I know better than to compare my chapter one to someone else’s chapter 20 in life, but I can’t help wondering if I’m getting it all wrong.
I fear getting a “real” job – which is an insult to the one I have. The writer job. Believe me, I work. And I don’t even write half as much as I want to.
I worry that we’ll run out of money, and it’ll be my fault. Not because I spend too much. Hell, I don’t spend a dime without accounting for it first. No, because I’m not earning enough.
One bad thought leads to another…
While I’m wrestling with financial and relationship demons that I can’t seem to control, my mind wanders. I can’t do anything right. I can’t lose weight. I can’t eat right. I’m not reading enough to the boys. I’m too sharp with them; I should be more loving. I’m a hermit who has no friends. I suuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Gawd, y’all, it’s exhausting.
Then, I see this…
.@KaylaLords is a bad ass EVERYTHING … that is all!!!
— F. Leonora Solomon (@fdotleonora) September 12, 2015
And I smile. I think things aren’t as bad as my mind is trying to convince me they are.
No, I’m not writing enough books fast enough – but I have a plan.
No, I’m not earning as much money as I’d like – but I’m building something.
No, I’m not a sweet-talking, smooth-talking, outgoing person who knows how to talk to strangers, convince them to love her, and get hired. But I’m me, and for the right people that’s all that matters.
What the hell does any of this have to do with BDSM, kink, or D/s?
His name is John Brownstone, and through it all – my turbulent highs and lows, my crazy temper tantrums, and my so-ugly-they’re-fugly tears, he’s right there by my side. Sometimes he holds me and let’s me get all the yucky stuff out. Other times he tells me to buck up and gives me a list of things to do. And still other times, he says he won’t lead me, that I have to figure it out for myself, but he’ll always be my sounding board.
Best friend, lover, Dominant, Daddy, he’s all of those things. He doesn’t always have the answer – because really with this much crazy, who would? But he’s by my side through good and bad, through calm waters and stormy tempest, through sanity and cray-cray. That’s my definition of a good relationship, of devotion, and of a caring, loving Dominant.
We all have our own definition of what we need. Hell, you might not even know yet. But I promise, the day you realize what it is you absolutely need from another person, things will make more sense. You might not make more sense (gawd knows I don’t) but what went right and what went wrong in all your previous relationships will.
And that , my dear, is what a healthy, loving, devoted relationship is all about. Don’t need to label it with anything. He is your partner, your rock. He will not let you fall. Lean on him and hear his words. You are a wonderful mom and partner. We all have these fears you’re having. It’s called caring, and it’s what makes us good at what we do. Keep up with what you’re doing and don’t question yourself. My money’s on you.
I’m better now. I think what makes me craziest is that the feelings seem to come out of nowhere. One day, I’m rockin’ and rollin’ along, and the next, I’m a mess. Ugh.
Here’s a surprise for you – you’re NORMAL!!
I know, down to my bones, that you are wonderful. John is, too. I’ve seen it. I continue to see it.
When you need another ear. You have my number to text me – use it!
I love you!!
Love you, too. I’m feeling better now. It was a passing crazy moment. Thank you, though. ((HUGS))
Yup. Sounds about right to me. We’re all cray cray sometimes. I’m glad that you both have each other to weather the storms of life. That’s priceless! 🙂
I can’t remember what I did before John…I think I just ate my feelings, lol.
I miss you. When the notification popped in my email that there was another post, I thought, “silly, Heather, Kayla is right there!” I’m so happy to read you even though you’re struggling.
All of us could crumble under our own mountains of ‘could, should’. You sound completely human to me, and not that long ago I was struggling with my own litany of unfulfilled expectations. Do I expect such perfection from others? Nope. But I should be doing this perfectly. Really.
I’m glad you have support and love, and an amazing partner. Even if you don’t always believe it, you deserve all of it, in addition to receiving the best things this world can provide. Keep knockin’ it out of the park, girl. HUGS!
I miss you, too. Fucking Facebook. :-/
And you’re right, my expectations for myself are MUCH higher than for anyone else. I’m working on letting go…with John’s help, of course, lol.
We all have a breaking point. If we’re lucky, we have a partner by our side who is just like John.
He’s a rare man. I’m sure he sees how hard you work and how hard you try. I’m sure he knows this will pass.
He IS a rare man, even though he thinks I’m nuts for saying it. Thankfully, he’s worked for himself before, so he has more patience for the daily grind and the time it takes to build something than I do.
Subscribed to your blog months ago and realized I never hit the confirm button until today. You rock! The best thing we can do is just keep going, no matter what. Although negativity hits us in waves that may seem unsurmountable at times, what matters is letting those waves buoy us so that we keep surfing.
So glad you hit the confirm button! 🙂
Waves, that’s the exact right analogy. It does come like that. I weather them better than I used to, for sure. But you’re right, we gotta keep going, keep surfing, or as Dory says, “Just keep swimming.” 🙂
Yes, you absolutely ARE a badass everything! I admire your website, your attitude, and your writing. As a fellow bipolar-indie “because one day I sold only two books and I sobbed into the pillow for an hour and felt like the stupidest piece of old rotten garbage in the world” but then also “it’s not that bad at all, look where I am compared to two months ago, and things are going to go well, and at least those two people liked my book!”, I understand completely about the difficulties of WBWI (Writing and Blogging While Indie.)
You are talented.
You are gifted.
You are special.
Your website is unique, fun and sexy.
I know the making-not-so-much money part sucks, but I’m so glad you have a supportive partner and a great family. The money will come someday (I just know it!) and for now you have what’s priceless. 🙂
Take care and stay strong! XOXO
((HUGS)) Thank you, and I’m SO glad I’m not the only one. Sometimes I don’t write/publish because I’m waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and ask who I think I am and why I think I’m allowed to play with the big kids…and other days, I’m a total badass who’s ready to fight anyone who says I shouldn’t/can’t publish, write what I want, and do this thing called WBWI (love that, by the way). Yeah, we’re all bi-polar, I think.
What it comes down to little one is we gots each others backs. Takes some getting used to but it is a good feeling.
You’re right (as usual). And I have zero problem having your back, so I really need to accept you feel the same. I’m workin’ on it!
I love your honesty. So you know! I’ve always appreciated that about you among other things
It feels strange to put it all out there the way I do, but it would feel wrong to do anything any different.
I finally seem to have found a way to follow you!
As for this post… I think recognising all these feelings is the first step.
That fear that if we show our true selves, the person we love will scamper off is paralysing, isn’t it?
So we better hide, or be perfect in every way, the best writer, mom, partner… But who gets to decide what perfection is?
When we feel safe enough to show someone all of our ugliness, all of our flaws, and not be frozen, certain he’ll turn around and walk away… a hard battle has been won.
I’m glad you have found that someone in John Brownstone and that you continue to heal.
Thank you for writing about this so honestly. It helps to recognise that we are not alone in our craziness!
Good luck with it all. You will get there. I have to hope for that, otherwise why would *I* have any chance of getting there myself? 🙂
((HUGS)) and yay for finding a way to follow me… 😀
I think that’s why I share the yucky side of things – so that no one has to feel completely alone in their own crazy head spaces. Sure, other people have different issues, but I know I’m not the only person who has meltdowns like this. We’re more normal than we realize.
And I thank my lucky stars every single day for John Brownstone. He’s one in a billion.