Nerves #WickedWednesday

Uncertainty makes me nervous. Newness makes me nervous. A lack of a plan makes me nervous. Basically, I’m a nervous person in any situation where I can’t predict the outcome – or I can predict an outcome I won’t like.

My solution to this level of nervousness and worry – I call myself a worrier – is to plan for as much as I can. I prefer to have back-up plans for my back-up plans.  I don’t mind having a plan A, B, C, or hell, even Z. Even if I never use any of my plans, as long as I know I have one, I’m much more comfortable.

I’m not exactly what you’d call spontaneous. Shocking, right? Even when I appear spontaneous, I can promise you, I’ve been thinking on whatever it is for at least a few hours – minimum. I run through plans in my head, taking them to every possible conclusion I can think of. As I’ve gotten older and (hopefully) wiser, I can consider more possible outcomes. You’d think the growing older and wiser thing would make me relax a bit. Eh, not really.

The plans I come up with (all in my head, waiting to be used at a moment’s notice when a certain series of events come to fruition, depending on the situation) allow me to appear relaxed. To people who don’t know me very well, I probably seem decisive in certain situations. It’s all an act, though. I’m either using a plan I’ve already formulated or I’m following whatever steps I took the last time that situation happened.

I sound like a mess, don’t I?

I am always thinking. My brain rarely just stops, and I very rarely relax. Thank God for Daddy or I never would. He is the only person I’ve ever met who can make the constant thoughts stop in their tracks.

When I don’t have a plan to fall back on, when I’m really unsure, that’s when my nervousness shows. Most of the time, my nerves translate into babbling. I talk fast, the tone of my voice higher than usual. I stumble over my words and simply ramble. Sometimes, my nerves manifest into aggravation. I’m short-tempered and impatient – that’s usually when I’m desperately trying to think of a plan to make me feel less nervous and what I really need is for everyone to shut up and leave me alone.

Wow, I really do sound like a mess.

In a lot of my life, I’m not truly nervous or scared. I worry a little less than I used to, as I’ve learned that I really can take care of myself and my children. My relationship with Daddy is the only thing in my life that I’ve ever taken day by day (for the most part). In the beginning, I wasn’t brave enough to consider that we would have a future, so I took it day by day, believing it would end. I assumed it would at some point, not daring to believe he and I could be something real. Now, I don’t worry about the future – I believe in our shared vision with my whole heart, and I don’t feel nervous thinking about it.

But the rest of my life? Holy hell, I’m constantly thinking, worrying, and planning.

This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt was about nerves and nervousness – a topic near and dear to my heart.