For Wicked Wednesday, something a little less sexy…
I had to think about this week’s prompt over night, let it percolate in the vast recesses of my mind – I may have created a new wrinkle in my brain. Opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and no one thinks their’s stinks.
I often say I’m not like most people. Apparently, this holds true even in the opinion department. (Is there a department just for opinions? That’s got to be a messy place.) I don’t share my opinion until I’ve fully formulated what I think about a topic. Sometimes this doesn’t take long because I’ve got a history of experience to pull from. Other times, it may be days or weeks before I’m ready to share my opinion. I tend to be circumspect about big topics – politics, religion, whatever. If I don’t feel like I have something intelligent to add, I don’t say anything.
I’m fine with that. I’m assertive when I need to be, and I lay low when that makes more sense. The whole world doesn’t always need my opinion. (I wish the majority of the world felt the same.)
What I wish I could change is my concern for other people’s opinions of me. I wish I could come out and tell my mother that I’m Kayla Lords, I write erotica, and I live the BDSM lifestyle. I don’t hide it because I’m ashamed of myself. I hide it because I don’t want anyone I care about to think negatively of me because they don’t understand. I want them to hold onto their high opinion of me.
I’m more myself in this space online than I am in the vanilla world. In the vanilla world, I chafe against the bonds of a society that doesn’t understand this lifestyle. I chafe against the self-imposed restrictions of someone who doesn’t want to answer uncomfortable questions. I chafe against the idea that someone will view my life from the outside and judge. Online, I don’t care – because no one can look me in the eyes and tell me they disagree – and I’ m not afraid to tell a hater to go fuck themselves. But in real life, it’s much different.
In real life, I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid of being disliked (by the people I care about). I’m afraid of being rejected.
The reality is that I don’t want other people’s opinions to matter so much to me. I want to simply be who I am in an open and honest way.