For Wicked Wednesday, something a little less sexy…
I had to think about this week’s prompt over night, let it percolate in the vast recesses of my mind – I may have created a new wrinkle in my brain. Opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and no one thinks their’s stinks.
I often say I’m not like most people. Apparently, this holds true even in the opinion department. (Is there a department just for opinions? That’s got to be a messy place.) I don’t share my opinion until I’ve fully formulated what I think about a topic. Sometimes this doesn’t take long because I’ve got a history of experience to pull from. Other times, it may be days or weeks before I’m ready to share my opinion. I tend to be circumspect about big topics – politics, religion, whatever. If I don’t feel like I have something intelligent to add, I don’t say anything.
I’m fine with that. I’m assertive when I need to be, and I lay low when that makes more sense. The whole world doesn’t always need my opinion. (I wish the majority of the world felt the same.)
What I wish I could change is my concern for other people’s opinions of me. I wish I could come out and tell my mother that I’m Kayla Lords, I write erotica, and I live the BDSM lifestyle. I don’t hide it because I’m ashamed of myself. I hide it because I don’t want anyone I care about to think negatively of me because they don’t understand. I want them to hold onto their high opinion of me.
I’m more myself in this space online than I am in the vanilla world. In the vanilla world, I chafe against the bonds of a society that doesn’t understand this lifestyle. I chafe against the self-imposed restrictions of someone who doesn’t want to answer uncomfortable questions. I chafe against the idea that someone will view my life from the outside and judge. Online, I don’t care – because no one can look me in the eyes and tell me they disagree – and I’ m not afraid to tell a hater to go fuck themselves. But in real life, it’s much different.
In real life, I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid of being disliked (by the people I care about). I’m afraid of being rejected.
The reality is that I don’t want other people’s opinions to matter so much to me. I want to simply be who I am in an open and honest way.
And this I think is the heart of my recent post. I’m bond by the opinions of those I hold in high regard. To not be the person they think me to be bothers me. That my behavior, while fun for me, could potentially have them view me differently “chafes”. I get you…
What we have to realize is that we are the people they think we are AND we’re the people we are online and in private…we can be both…
I understand your feeling completely, there are times I want to shout out to the world about who I truly am. Yet I know that the world would not be totally accepting of who I am and what I like. As with you I feel my online presence here is more of who I am then what I must portray in my vanilla life. TO say the least it can be frustrating.
The one “out” I have is finding community with like minded folks at the munches and the club.
Ah the club and the munches…one day, hopefully, I’ll get to experience more of that…maybe there I’ll find some relief from the chafing…
We feel very lucky that, perhaps because we are now middle-aged, we find that the opinions of others (at least about us) matter less and less. It is quite liberating. We wish you well.
I hope one day to get to that point, too…thank you.
Really don’t give a damn about how others think about me, because I know how good and how bad I am. I observe that those who are very negative towards me aren’t any better. They just want to feel good by making others feel bad. I really get used to people who have nothing good to say about me. I’m not going to ‘beg’ them to be nice to me. You should live this way and have faith in yourself. Tell yourself, there are bound to be some strong areas that you have and others don’t have, no matter how trivial they can be.
I commend you for being able to live your life this way…maybe one day I will get there, too…just not yet…
This post is like I read something I could have written. Yes, online I am much more myself than I am in the real vanilla world. I cannot be honest about who I really am, as I too am afraid of how I will be judged. Yes, some people know about my lifestyle, but they do not judge me. Or maybe they do, but they just don’t say it. But I would so like to be open towards my family about my lifestyle and my writing, but I know I just cannot. Like you, I wish I could just be me in a honest way.
I hate that people can relate, but I’m glad too…if that makes sense…sometimes I wonder if my fear is unfounded..,but not brave enough to find out…
This is why I love reading you – honesty. Thank you.
I wasn’t going to write on this topic, but when I read your post I knew I had to. It was like you were writing everything hat I feel, but seldom share. Thank you.
Now to go write my own.
I can’t WAIT to read it! Glad you can relate though…it’s good to know we’re not alone. 🙂
[…] I read Kayla Lords’ post “I Don’t Want It to Matter” and I realized that she could have written that post using my brain. (Did that make sense? I […]
I know all to well how that is, but for the most part the people I’ve told about my site have been excited and wanted to know more. Hopefully one day everyone will be so understanding… until then we’re stuck in a rocky boat.
I find myself gravitating more to the people within the lifestyle because they tend to be so much more accepting of people’s differences (not always, but as a general rule)…it’s making vanilla interactions harder than they used to be…maybe one day the non-kinky world will become more accepting…one can always hope… 🙂
I can certainly identify with your experience here. There was a time when i was anonymous but gradually that has changed and on the whole everyone has been totally cool with it. It has caused friction with my Mother though but I am glad it is out and she knows, despite her displeasure as hiding it was exhausting.
I hope one day not to be anonymous…not sure what the trigger will be for me to “come out” so to speak…I think it’s the good girl in me that never wants to make anyone upset…ugh, I could do without that personality trait for once…
well said, I get the wanting to be open with others about who you are and what you do but fearing their opinions. I can just see my very religious mother finding out I am an avid sex and horror story writer. would give us something interesting to talk about…
Thanks for sharing
My mother still hasn’t been willing to talk to me about sex, and i asked at age 9…it’s scary to think that if I told her this, I might (or maybe not) be educating her…she’s a good woman, not too judgmental, but something about sex makes her freak out a bit…and since I’ve moved on from the basics to something a bit more…um…hardcore, shall we say? Well, this could get awkward…and I’d just like to avoid that.
I get what you’re saying though it still feels like shame in a way. Really, what I do behind closed doors is no one’s business but my own and those with whom I care to share my exploration. I didn’t share my vanilla sex life with anyone, why would I share it now?
I agree completely. I don’t really want to know about anyone’s sex life, but as “Kayla Lords” I’ve been extremely honest about my own. If I were to tell anyone in my “vanilla” life about my erotic writing or my website, they immediately become privy to every detail…I’m not ashamed of a single thing, but that doesn’t mean I want to discuss it over lunch with my mom, either…
I am, in my way, fairly out there. My kids know I identify as submissive. i don’t care if my mom knows. My best girlfriends know, and my guy friends…. Oddly enough, given that I now work for someone I used to be in group therapy with, my boss knows, too!
Now, my professors and classmates……not just yet.
I keep hoping that one day, I’ll be less nervous…