A Disconnected Feeling #Dominance and #Submission

I can only speak about dominance and submission (D/s) from one perspective – my own. BDSM, kinky sex, D/s, you name it – this is one time we’re all unique little snowflakes. I can’t help thinking that what I’m feeling isn’t unique to me. The circumstances that caused the feeling, maybe so, but not the feeling.

I feel disconnected from my submissive side. I haven’t felt submissive – as submissive as I’d like to feel – in a few weeks.

In early August, I had several wonderful days with my Daddy (um, my Dominant for the newbies). We had an amazing time. Having a vibrator strapped to my pussy by rope while a little butterfly vibrator tortured my clit was, for the record, UH-MA-ZING!

In the days after that visit, Daddy and I discussed that while being “little” is very easy for me, even he can sense that I’m holding back my submissive nature with him. I couldn’t deny what he said. I’m still terrified of getting hurt. An aside: For those of you who’ve been around for a while, it’s been nearly 10 months since the break up with Lion. Can you believe it?!  I am still governed by previous hurts – I’m unsure of myself and fearful of rejection.

Fast forward three weeks from that visit, and we spent Labor Day together. My boys, he, and I – all in a hotel room together. It was as glamorous as it sounds. The trip was great, please don’t misunderstand me! My boys really like Daddy. He hasn’t run off screaming into the night to get away from my boys. Both are very positive things. That visit meant that while we could be together (the whole point of the trip), there could be no obvious D/s play or even protocol. Other than a few stolen moments late at night, the visit was quite chaste. My boys see that I’m very respectful of and deferential to Daddy, but they certainly don’t need to hear me call him “Daddy” or hear him call me “babygirl” or watch hair pulling or anything like that.

The feelings I have for my Daddy are strange to me because they aren’t lust-filled, passion-driven, white-hot longings. They are much calmer, like warm water filling all the cracks and crevices in my heart and soul. Simply sitting next to him is the most comfortable thing in the world. When we have to part, I feel like I’m losing something very important. Saying goodbye has become harder and harder each time over the past several months.

Here I am, now, on the other side of both of those visits, and I feel strangely disconnected. Daddy has had to work harder than usual to coax my little side out. I’ve actually felt myself working hard to be his “babygirl,” let alone his submissive. The strange thing is that I want to be both (I am both) but my mind doesn’t seem to be cooperating. There have been moments, small but still very real, when I’ve wondered if I really am submissive, simply because I don’t feel very submissive.

I don’t like the disconnect I’m feeling between who I know I am and whatever this strange moment in time may be. Do I feel this way because we haven’t “played” in a while? Do I feel this way because I know I’m holding myself back and my subconscious thinks it would be easier not to be submissive at all than to open myself up to possible rejection again?

But then we talk about the next time he takes me to the club, and I feel a tingle of excitement along my spine at the chance of a repeat. We share pictures on Tumblr, and when I see something fairly rough and sadistic, I long for what I see. Daddy and I even have a silly little game we play, and my prize, if I win when we’re together, is to worship his cock – and my mouth waters at the thought.

Maybe, just maybe, the disconnect has more to do with the physical distance between us and my desire to fully submit. I want to change both, but I don’t know how.

Everyone’s circumstances are different, so I don’t expect anyone to relate to the details, but someone, please tell me this happens. Even better, please tell me there’s a way to deal with the feeling of being disconnected from my own submissive nature. Please?

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • It seems to me the disconnection you feel has to do with the distance and thus the little time to be/play together and grow as a submissive with your Daddy.
    If you go skydiving just once every month or so, each jump will be a difficult one, you have to overcome yourself at each time. When you do it more often you’ll get the hang of it, feel great, enjoy it and be able to experiment and feel free.
    Spend even more time online, chat, mail, phone, whatever and try to find games and or challenges that entice your both.
    Just my 2 cents, Kayla and I truly hope you’ll find a way. I think our Daddy is one hell of a guy 😉

    • Thank you, and you’re right. We spend a lot of time talking – a LOT – but not always in a D/s way…

      And thank you, I think he’s pretty freaking awesome, too. 🙂

  • So…… Did I miss something? Did you write about visiting a dungeon and I missed it?

    “I am still governed by previous hurts…” At some point (don’t ask me when), you will no longer be governed by previous hurts, but you will ALWAYS be informed by then. That kind of imprinting doesn’t go away ever. What you will do is get awareness of what is happening in your mind and greater skill at handling it.

    I don’t know enough about being in a long-term submissive relationship to comment. I know that not being in a romantic relationship at all, my sense of loving and being loved fades. Don’t get me wrong – I am surrounded by love – just not partner love. (I am going to allow myself to be sad about that for two minutes and then get back to work.)

    I have a sense now of *all* relationships being in a constant state of flux. It is only when we decide that it must look like ‘this’ or stay like ‘this’ that we fall into the trap of discontent. I believe (and I am open to being wrong) that the very best thing you can do is express the lack you are feeling and make a plan of action to correct it. It seems like you’re doing just that.

    • It’s funny (strange) – I’m also aware of relationships fluctuating. I understand the need for it, but it also makes me nervous. Can I handle it the fluctuation? Can he? Can we stay on the same page and adjust together?

      Of course, my concerns come from past experience in a vanilla relationship that didn’t have anywhere NEAR the same amount of communication that my current relationship does – and I know that makes all the difference.

  • I feel the distance is making it very hard for you to feel your constant submission. I too just went through something similar a week ago, and just posted about it last night. And I agree with Sir Bolli, the more practice, the more your comfort level and confidence increases. Place your trust and heart in your journey with your Daddy, give him your concerns, trust that he will correct your disconnect.

    Ps…love your blog!

    • He’s already told me that we’ll be talking tonight when we have time to focus (the boys are pretty wild today)…somehow I think he’ll have a way to help pull me out of whatever this is…

      And thank you!! 🙂

  • You mentioned that, when you talk (and you commented that you talked a LOT), that it isnt always D/s. Maybe you need that somewhat – the control he has – the protocol to maintain that deference.
    What do you think?
    I know, I sometimes let loose and have to be reigned in when a couple weeks go by between get togethers. He taught me well to behave myself even when apart AND while communicating (texting, emails, phone, etc). It took a few times because it had been a few years between owners but he was consistent and voiced his displeasure – once to the point, it realllllllly hit home and things changed. He had some work to do with me and the results are pretty amazing …. I dunno yer dynamic, but ask for what you need – or might need – and it can only get better as long as he guides you 🙂

    • You may be right. Before I wrote the post, we’d had a brief conversation about how I was feeling. He’s read it, and says we’ll discuss it tonight. I “made” him reassure me that he wasn’t upset, and he’s not. So maybe it’s something we can discuss so that I don’t have to feel this way anymore. 🙂

  • Ive been here, white hot passion and playtime, and as we got to know each other more we talked about everything alot. Not sayig its bad but its growing a different way. You need to tell Daddy what you need or he needs to know you well enough after all the talking WHAT you need. Keeping the lines of communication open about ALL things is imperative. Theres never anything wrong with letting your Daddy or sub know what your needing, wanting or lacking

    • You’re right. He and I talked at length the other night…I do love the amount of communication required to make D/s work.

      I’m feeling better now…still a ways to go, but we’re on track. As always, he’s helping me. 🙂

  • I know this post is from years back, but I had Googled “feeling disconnected from my submissive bdsm” and it brought me to you- yay! I follow you on IG & listen to your podcasts with you & Sir John Longfellow (sorry if I muddled that).

    I am new to this lifestyle & was asked to be a Queen to a slave. So I am learning to navigate BDSM & a relationship. Last week we spent 5 days together as a “vanilla” couple & I cannot shake this deep disconnection with my slave. Where I once felt confident & dominant over him, I now second guess my texts to him & so in my head that I am not good enough for him. My confidence has taken such a plunge this week & I blamed it on my past, prior relationships that left me feeling worthless…. here I am, with a great man & I feel so lost.

    If you have any suggestions on regaining that “balance” I would love to read about them.

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