I can only speak about dominance and submission (D/s) from one perspective – my own. BDSM, kinky sex, D/s, you name it – this is one time we’re all unique little snowflakes. I can’t help thinking that what I’m feeling isn’t unique to me. The circumstances that caused the feeling, maybe so, but not the feeling.
I feel disconnected from my submissive side. I haven’t felt submissive – as submissive as I’d like to feel – in a few weeks.
In early August, I had several wonderful days with my Daddy (um, my Dominant for the newbies). We had an amazing time. Having a vibrator strapped to my pussy by rope while a little butterfly vibrator tortured my clit was, for the record, UH-MA-ZING!
In the days after that visit, Daddy and I discussed that while being “little” is very easy for me, even he can sense that I’m holding back my submissive nature with him. I couldn’t deny what he said. I’m still terrified of getting hurt. An aside: For those of you who’ve been around for a while, it’s been nearly 10 months since the break up with Lion. Can you believe it?! I am still governed by previous hurts – I’m unsure of myself and fearful of rejection.
Fast forward three weeks from that visit, and we spent Labor Day together. My boys, he, and I – all in a hotel room together. It was as glamorous as it sounds. The trip was great, please don’t misunderstand me! My boys really like Daddy. He hasn’t run off screaming into the night to get away from my boys. Both are very positive things. That visit meant that while we could be together (the whole point of the trip), there could be no obvious D/s play or even protocol. Other than a few stolen moments late at night, the visit was quite chaste. My boys see that I’m very respectful of and deferential to Daddy, but they certainly don’t need to hear me call him “Daddy” or hear him call me “babygirl” or watch hair pulling or anything like that.
The feelings I have for my Daddy are strange to me because they aren’t lust-filled, passion-driven, white-hot longings. They are much calmer, like warm water filling all the cracks and crevices in my heart and soul. Simply sitting next to him is the most comfortable thing in the world. When we have to part, I feel like I’m losing something very important. Saying goodbye has become harder and harder each time over the past several months.
Here I am, now, on the other side of both of those visits, and I feel strangely disconnected. Daddy has had to work harder than usual to coax my little side out. I’ve actually felt myself working hard to be his “babygirl,” let alone his submissive. The strange thing is that I want to be both (I am both) but my mind doesn’t seem to be cooperating. There have been moments, small but still very real, when I’ve wondered if I really am submissive, simply because I don’t feel very submissive.
I don’t like the disconnect I’m feeling between who I know I am and whatever this strange moment in time may be. Do I feel this way because we haven’t “played” in a while? Do I feel this way because I know I’m holding myself back and my subconscious thinks it would be easier not to be submissive at all than to open myself up to possible rejection again?
But then we talk about the next time he takes me to the club, and I feel a tingle of excitement along my spine at the chance of a repeat. We share pictures on Tumblr, and when I see something fairly rough and sadistic, I long for what I see. Daddy and I even have a silly little game we play, and my prize, if I win when we’re together, is to worship his cock – and my mouth waters at the thought.
Maybe, just maybe, the disconnect has more to do with the physical distance between us and my desire to fully submit. I want to change both, but I don’t know how.
Everyone’s circumstances are different, so I don’t expect anyone to relate to the details, but someone, please tell me this happens. Even better, please tell me there’s a way to deal with the feeling of being disconnected from my own submissive nature. Please?