This Sunday's guest blogger is one of my blogging and Twitter friends, Cara Thereon. She's an excellent writer with a great imagination. And if you follow her on Twitter or her blog, every once in a while she shares a beautiful picture of herself. She's got a great body. One day, maybe she'll see it for herself.
I've been teasing her about her submissive tendencies ever since I met her. In her guest post this week, she discusses that in a little bit of detail.
Reading Skye Warren's Wanderlust has me thinking. It's dark erotica that deals with non-consent and abduction. The protagonist's thoughts mirror mine in musing about the things we unconsciously ask for. I'm not even halfway through this book and it's blowing my damn mind.
It has so many thoughts rolling around in my head they're brimming over.
The biggest is my feeling about the inevitability of violence against me. How some women attract it and eventually come to expect it, want it, and crave it. That may be me.
My past is riddled with moments of sexual violence. Hands touching without permission, mouths kissing, fingers pulling, eyes peeking. I was sheltered from so much, but not enough in some respects because those people that wanted to hurt me always managed to find me. From a very young age I learned about sex and how I am perceived because of it.
There are times I want a violent edge, or a lack of choice because of the things I know. I become complicit because it was bound to happen anyway, and part of me wants it to happen.
I'm new to the BDSM scene with my fantasies outstripping my actual explorations 5:1. The stereotype (one I dislike greatly) is that abuse lingers in your past if you like the darker side of sex. Sticks and stones my break bones, but whips and chains excite me. Thank you, Rihanna.
But part of me wonders if that stereotype is true of me. I want to be tied down, forced, and taken advantage of by someone bigger and stronger than me. I want to reenact each scary moment from my past and find pleasure in it.
I want to hurt, be hurt.
The idea of not being in control excites me, the element of fear even more so. Do I want to be raped by a faceless stranger? No, but I want as close to that as possible. I want my kinks to see light and I want to experience things to the extreme. There's power and healing in that in my mind.
I don't think using BDSM as therapy is necessarily my aim. If anything, I think it's a healthier way to tackle things. What I know is I feel centered when I'm over someone's knee getting a spanking. Maybe exploring more aspects of the culture will open me up to understanding myself? I'll do it safely, sanely, and consensually because that's the intelligent adult way to do it. Talking, asking the right questions, gaining knowledge is important here. But let it be said that my explorations do not denote craziness.
Not everyone who dabbles in BDSM is Christian Grey. My past does not control me, but I know it shapes me. My subsequent understanding of my desire to do this doesn't mean I'll stop once I find the healing either. There's something intoxicating, captivating, and freeing about this lifestyle. That's worth exploring more.
Follow Cara Thereon on WordPress: http://closed2.wordpress.com/
Follow her on Twitter: https://twitter.com/thereon_cara
Plus, she's published a book on Amazon! Discover Me is only $0.99!