Longing

I have a longing between my thighs and in my heart, all for the same man. The one before him is slowly being replaced in my heart, mind, and soul. It’s a painful change.

I am terrified of loving and losing again. I am terrified of having to rebuild myself again. I am terrified of wanting what I can’t have…again.

And yet, my face softens when I speak about him (so I’ve been told). My voice changes when I talk to him (so I’ve been told). My smile brightens when I hear his voice (so I’ve been told).

It’s hard for me to admit that this love is better than the one that came before. It’s hard for me to admit that this man fits me better. Maybe better isn’t the word I should use. This man fits me completely in a different way. And that’s ok. It’s more than ok. It still scares the hell out of me.

Yet, I’m so filled with longing that I ache to touch myself. I ache to call him in the dead of the night simply to hear his voice, sleep-filled though it may be. My body aches to be held by him, to feel his hands on my hair, to feel his kiss on my forehead.

Love is love, whether D/s or vanilla. This isn’t about kinky sex. This isn’t about being tied down, trussed up, and put on display.

This is about two hearts speaking to one another. This is about one man’s patient, silent, unwavering love for a frightened little girl trapped in a woman’s body. This is about one woman’s uneasy acceptance that loving anew does not equal betrayal of the one who walked away.

Admitting that this new love, this new longing, is better for me than the one who came before both hurts and heals. The memories that force themselves to the surface in a last effort to hold their claim on my heart and mind cause physical pain. The thoughts of what may lie ahead allow me to believe that what I have now could only be appreciated by surviving the pain from before.

I am both conflicted and confident. It hurts to cut the last invisible thread that I’ve clung to for all these months. It feels amazing to love and be loved, long and be longed for, want and be wanted.

Tonight, I am filled with longing…between my thighs, in my heart, and for the future.