The Little Masochist

I’m in a strange frame of mind. I’m not feeling overly little, submissive, feminine, womanly…am I in pigtails and knee socks, wearing a Hello Kitty shirt? Yep. It’s Saturday night – this is what I do.

I have these dark spots in my head that can’t and won’t let me focus on anything much. I’m not writing. I’m not Tweeting. I’m sort of Tumblr’ing (yes, I just made up a word). But I can’t stop thinking about today.

I have a three year old. If you’ve survived the threes, there’s not much more to say. If you haven’t, imagine a terrorist or a dictator (or both) living in your home – that you are required by law to feed, clothe, and take care of  – at least until adulthood. And it’s your job to keep the little Hitler from wreaking havoc on an unsuspecting populace.

I know why some animals eat their young.

It was a bad day in our house. There were timeouts. There was early bedtime. Toys were taken away. And yes, there were spankings. Not everyone believes that’s the thing to do, I get it, but that’s how we roll around here. They are rare, but they are swift.

The little masochist laughed during it! “Motherfucker!” is what I thought. I know it stung – my hand hurt. In the middle of it all, I had this strange thought that maybe he’s like his mother in more ways than I thought. That was fleeting, because my next thought was, “What the hell do I do now since this and everything else doesn’t work?”

I had to threaten to call his grandfather – the only person he both loves and is afraid of. I don’t want to use another person as a source of punishment. But, in parenting, you do what you have to do.

I’ve gone through the threes before. But I’ve never done it alone. And every time I feel like I’m in a battle with one of the boys, it highlights for me that I do it alone, and there is no back up.

That thought always makes me tired. It messes with my head. It’s done it tonight. I can’t focus on anything right now. I want what I can’t have, and there’s nothing to be done about it.

The worst part? Every time I close my eyes, I see him laughing through a spanking…the little masochist.