There’s another side of being little, I think.
It’s the side that needs to cry. It’s the side that’s holding Teddy right now and feeling very lost and unhappy.
Several people have asked me what’s wrong, how they can help, what will make me feel better. And, shocking as this may seem, I can’t articulate what’s wrong. Not really.
It’s a bunch of little things.
Stupid me, I’m worried about him, you know, my lion who’s no longer mine. I can count and the six month mark of his personal tragedy is right around the corner. And it makes me sad for him. He’s an amazing man so I feel pretty sure someone has found him and loves him now, hopefully better than I did. But even so, the idea that he might be sad right now breaks my heart. He’s not mine, and he won’t be mine, but I can’t turn off my feelings like a faucet. I wish I could.
I made two back-to-back business trips with only a few days in between, days filled with plenty to do. I’m new to that much travel so of course, I’m exhausted.
Work is…well, work still sucks, but I’ve got a good boss. I just fill too many roles which means I feel overwhelmed more often than not. Couple that with exhaustion, and eventually, even I crack. Today was it. I let the facade slip at a staff meeting, showing my co-workers that I wasn’t happy. That earned me a lecture from the boss. I’m a submissive woman who wants to be a good girl – that’s a need with anyone I feel deference to, even my boss. And I didn’t feel like a good girl…I felt like a failure.
I haven’t cooked a meal for my children in nearly a month. Last weekend when I cleaned my house, I wiped a layer of dust off my stovetop. That bothers the hell out of me.
So it’s all little things, and a hundred more things than I can mention here. The result? I’ve barely been able to speak coherently to anyone, and I’m sitting in bed, holding onto my teddy bear, crying for no reason.
I feel very little right now – and in the worst possible way.
There is no one to dry my tears. There is no one to comfort me. That’s nothing new. I promise, I’m not whining – simply stating the fact. Tomorrow, I’ll have my game face back on and I’ll show the world something better.
But until then, the other side of feeling little kind of sucks. But if I had to attempt to describe how I feel right now, the only words I have are “scared, lost, sad little girl.”