If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been feeling frisky and feisty lately, reveling in my own femininity and sexuality. It’s liberating, really.
I wore thigh highs and garters and boots (oh my) again today. I felt sexy as hell – again. I went to lunch with a friend and actually noticed a man staring at me.
It wasn’t as great as it sounds. He was holding his girlfriend’s hand the entire time he was leering at me. Great. Normally it’s the one-eyed, one-legged guy sitting in a corner, talking to himself, and drooling that takes notice of me. This time it was an asshole. Great.
I’ve been an audacious flirt. I’ve let people in a little closer. I’ve been this woman I don’t recognize, but she seems fun.
And then…
I wondered today if I ever made him proud. I wondered if he would be proud of the woman I am now. That turned into a thought about whether anyone is proud of me – other than my mom, I mean. The thought that followed: “Why does that even matter?” But it does matter even if its simply the submissive side of me needing approval.
Then, like a light bulb going off over my head, I realized I’m guarding my heart for him. He’s never told me that he doesn’t love me, that there is no chance ever of getting back together, that it’s over – so there’s been no closure. Either someone has to come along that I perceive as being better than him or he has to tell me to go the fuck away and never think about him again. At least that’s my story today.
Crazy as this sounds, I think I’ll know when I’m ready when I stop comparing everyone to him. It’s not a negative comparison that I make, but I still have that moment of, “He did it this way…” or “He preferred this…” I don’t consider one way better or worse, but the comparison is always there.
I’ve been very honest and open with the few people who’ve attempted to come close. I can care about people. I can even let them get close. But they can’t have my heart. No one can. I’ve already had to suffer the consequences of that, but maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. No one should have to compete with an invisible man.
So, I’m frisky and feisty and considering pigtails – yeah, I said it. Damn it! But I’m not good for anyone and woe to the man who thinks I’m worth an attempt. Most people don’t want to have to work that hard (and they shouldn’t have to) so I’m probably safe. I have found people who care about me and that makes all the difference in the world. The rest is just fun and games.
I’m not sad. I’m not grieving. I’m finding ways to make myself happy – and that’s really all that matters. Right?
That’s it! Again today, ok I will try it tomorrow’ ha! You have thrown down the gauntlet and now I have to wear garters, stockings & boots tomorrow! They will all just fall over! Thanks for the post it is remarkable!!! Xoxo
A
And then you have to blog about it! I want to know if you made a bunch of men go mute!!!!
I have to actually buy garters, its my birthday this week so what the hell!! If we all project that we are happy, sexy and beautiful women things will start to happen, its amazing and it works!! For who wouldn’t want someone who looks amazing, confident, and yet is a submissive as well? This is going to be my year for new love I feel it, and when I walk my friends say I actually look like I am ready this time to let someone in instead of looking like my heart is closed. Thanks for sharing, love your blog!
I’m so happy you’re feeling that way! Good things will come your way because of it, I’m sure. 🙂
Indeed,finding ways to make yourself happy is what matters as long as this is not done at the expense of other !
I agree completely!
I am catching up on posts.. I am loving your frisky and loving side. 🙂
Keep it up.
You deserve it.
As for your ex-Dom, and I say this gently to a fellow sub because I have seen this before…. He hasn’t told you it’s over but you know it’s over. Most men are easy to decipher Dom or not and a man who doesn’t communicate with you has moved on no matter what his problems are ot whether he has said it to you or not. Sucks but if you are still hoping then you need to talk to him and make him tell you the truth to as whether he has let you go.
This is the only way you are going to be able to move on, stop comparing him to other DOm’s and let go of him.
To finally be on our way to healing yourself.
I hope is not to harsh. I just want to see you happy girl. Everyone deserves happiness.
xoxo
It’s harsh. But it’s ok. I can’t make him do anything, and I’m not going to try.
Even if he did just tell me straight up, my heart would still be behind thick walls…and few men want to (or should have to) climb them…it’s ok…I find happiness in other places…
I’m not good for anyone right now, so it really is ok…one day this will fade a little bit more, and maybe I’ll be able to let someone in…
I am so sorry I was harsh on you. 🙁
I just been following you for quite a while and had this moment of courage or stupidity and I spoke up.
I truly have the best intentions even if I don’t know you in person. I know enough…. I know your pontential and I want you to be the happy girl you can be.
It’s not ok, but I understand. I been there and the walls even know pop up because I get afraid.
Each day is a day where you heal…
xoxox
You weren’t overly harsh…you were honest. I respect that more than anything else…I’m not upset with you…I’m upset with myself…because if I were talking to anyone else, I would say the same thing…but when it’s directed at me, I reject it…
I’m a little off tonight, and didn’t explain myself well…feel free to tell me what you think at any point…it probably feels like I just want to hear myself talk in my blog, but I really do enjoy the feedback…
((hugs))
I want to be happy…I promise I do…I’m scared of it…everything ends….and it usually ends too soon…and I don’t think I can put myself out there for another probably heartbreak…not anytime soon, at least…
I understand… 🙂
Hugs you back.
xx