Walls and Doors

I told someone recently that I have walls and doors around me. My walls are six feet thick and ten feet high. It takes a determined person to climb over them and most people aren’t that determined. I have doors that I sometimes unlock to let someone in for a brief time, but when that time is over, I lock it behind them.

I’m afraid to let people in. Let me back up – I’m afraid to let men in. And yet…I have derived the majority of my comfort from men lately. Safe men.

What exactly is a “safe man?” He’s the man that I have no chance in hell of interacting with in real life; a man I tell clearly and specifically that I won’t be able to love – and he doesn’t run away because of it; a man who only ever sees a small piece of who I am.

I talked with a good friend tonight, and after a couple of martinis, I was willing to talk to her about my grief and my fears for the future. I allowed myself to touch my grief tonight, and I wish I hadn’t. But I have been unable to pretend that I’m ok for several days now.

Wonderful, beautiful people who seem to genuinely care for me on some level can’t bust down my self-imposed walls or beat down my locked doors.

I admitted tonight that I am fearful of one of two things – that there are no second chances in life…and that I will never come across another like him. And of course, the pragmatic among you will say that it’s okay if that doesn’t happen. I will meet someone new; I will meet someone different and different does not mean worse; I will get over it eventually.

Maybe so.

All I know is that behind my walls and doors, I am hollow and empty. I’m afraid to trust. I can’t love. And I hide behind what feels safe rather than even attempt to believe I should have anything real.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • My sweet woman I’m not going to blow smoke up your cute hiney. You have to let your guard down to let others in. You’ve been through some tough times, and awakened. You don’t want to go to sleep. Don’t you dare do it. Live. You will find someone. It may not be Him. But you will find someone. First of all you have to live for yourself. Then you can live for Him.

    Love and hugs my dear Kayla.

  • “I admitted tonight that…”. Well, personally, there are second chances, no matter how bad you feel just now. But only when you are ready for them.
    I think it would be a disaster to find one exactly “another like him”. That would be a very unfair way to have your second time around;-)
    You need a “different”. Even Darwin said “different is the way forward”. Or something like that.

      • I think it’s great to just feel… Feel all you can..ask yourself why your feeling this, more importantly who made you feel this… Take time and feel and then, Remember WHO did this WHO made you feel that way. It should slowly turn and help you see past HIM. Right now just feel.. It’s a good thing! Hope it helps… Sounds like we’re all rooting for u!

  • I think it’s good to embrace grief some, to accept that it’s there, to recognize what you miss. Otherwise, if you try to run from it, it has you in its power. So grief is necessary and good I think — still hurts, though.

  • Be patienf and know there will be another and he will tear down your walls and you will see the sunlight and know it is HIM. It is not easy for either of you but in the end its worth it. I’ve just been throuvh this with my pet and it has made ours a very strong relationship.. I say screw the doors I love knocking down the walls.

  • I understand the grief you feel. You must touch it and in turn allow it to touch you in order for it to heal. I also have knowledge of walls and doors my dear and yes they serve a valuable purpose. But you must also consider that sometimes the walls designed to protect can be the same walls that hold you back and keep you caged. Sometimes you need to open the door, not to let someone else in, but to let yourself out. Be strong.

  • As the mistress of “safe men” (for me, married men), I can tell you that I understand that exact feeling, that there will never be someone like that for me that even closely approximates what I felt for Sir S. Your connection with your D was just that much more intense because it was reciprocated.

    I remember that you told me one time that the spark of hope always lives inside you. Maybe that’s all we get- a lifetime of hope. I think that would be okay.

    My grandmother fell in love again when she was in her 80s, a true and abiding love. I certainly hope not to have to wait that long, but I will wait, and hold out hope.

  • I am sorry Kayla.
    Big hugs.
    So much to say but reading the comments they have been said. It’s well advice and I know you are taking in.
    It’s hard but you need to heal and that comes with time. Patience girl. 🙂
    I know it’s not your forte but good things come to those that wait. 🙂
    It’s ok to feel the negative feelings just don’t dwell on them for too long and work through them and keep moving forward.
    Only you can do this. Only you can knock down those walls.
    Your pontenrilal new Dom can’t do this for you nor should you expect Him to take on such responsibility. He might because that is what Doms do but you shouldn’t look up to Him as your savior. Truly the only one that can save you is you. 🙂
    You are a wonderful woman keep moving forward my friend.

    • My walls have always been in place to keep people out…and a few times I’ve let them down a bit…this time, they slammed into place and I am paralyzed with fear to let them down again…

  • Oh my sweet Kayla… walls are evil things. we keep building them to protect ourselves and all that happens is we miss out on so much. Love and happiness, joy and sorrow. All of the things that make life worth living. I had built mine up so high, and played with safe people too. But without warning he found a crack in the wall. And like water to stone keept at me. Edging his way in. One day a man worthy of you will find a crack in your wall. and slowly lead you out into the sunlight.

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