After yesterday’s temper tantrum, I feel strangely peaceful. Is it from the release of emotions? Is it because I was simply too busy today to allow anything else into my mind? Does it matter?
I am at a critical point with work where it is going to get much worse before it gets better. I will literally (and yes, I mean literally) be performing three full time positions at one time with my current employer. Anyone ever done that? I’ve only done two full time positions before, never three. My job officially sucks, I know.
One position was eliminated before Christmas – but not the job duties. Another person has found a better job and is moving on – and I’m the only one who knows how to do her job. But I still have my own job to do.
And no, I’m not getting paid one extra dime.
I’m not happy about it. I’ve admitted to at least one person that if I didn’t have children, I would probably just quit. And no, not because I’m being asked to take on extra for no extra money. Because this is a pattern my company established with me a few years ago. They figured out that I’m one of the stupid ones who will bust her ass because I care that damn much, and so they take advantage of it.
But I’m drained dry. I don’t actually care anymore. I just keep doing the best job I can because I don’t know how to be any different. Sometimes I wish I did.
If I get to put my two week notice in soon, they will be shocked and in a bit of trouble, and I won’t care. I’m almost hoping for an exit interview. I won’t burn any bridges, but I will absolutely let them know what I think.
I had a conversation with the co-worker who is leaving at the end of the week. I tell her every day that I am so happy for her, and that I hate her. She feels the love. I admitted today that I will probably cry on Friday when she leaves. When she was hired, I was in the middle of doing her job and my job and it had been that way for four months. I cried the day she started. We’re fairly close now, and she’s a good person. Even if I wasn’t taking over her job (again), I’d miss her.
In some ways, we’re polar opposites – we talked about that today, too. She talked about how she’s very aggressive and hasn’t sugar-coated anything, but she’s not well-liked among the powers-that-be. I reminded her that while I’m very well-liked, when I leave the company they will be shocked because I’ve never been honest with them about how miserable I am. I’ve never told anyone just how unhappy I am. Because I know it won’t change. It’s actually gotten worse over the past three years, never better.
I do that in life – keep plugging away, smile a lot, and tell people that I’m “fine.” Part of it is a fear of disappointing someone. Part of it is a fear of conflict. It means, though, that when I decide that I’ve had enough and I’m done, there is nothing on the planet that could make me change my mind and try again. My mother has told many people, “When she’s shed of you, she’s shed. Don’t even bother trying to change her mind.” It’s true – but it never happens quickly; slowly, over time, inch by inch.
So what the hell is the point, since this is my blog about sex and heart break?
Today, as hellish as it was, was the first time in nearly seven weeks that I didn’t think of him from the moment I walked in the door at work until I finally stumbled to my car to pick up my children. And when I realized it, it didn’t hurt. I realized that it was a good thing.
A day of not living with the heart break is freeing. I’m exhausted; I feel like I’ve run a marathon, twice. But my heart doesn’t hurt.
Was it because of yesterday’s outburst? Was it because of today’s insanity? Was it just a huge coincidence, and I would have gotten to this point on this day anyway without the outside factors? Who the hell knows…I do know that it doesn’t mean anything. Tomorrow could be horrible or it could hit me this weekend. I know it will hit when I travel out of town for work later this month – a time when we would have made plans to see one another. I would probably be willing to see him even now, even after all this time. Oh, I know, it won’t happen, but if it did, I’m the pathetic sap who would be happy about it.
But today I focused on work, and as bad as it is, it’s the best thing that could have happened to me.
Sadly the work place has come to that all over, having to do more for less. It makes ot hard to ne able to focus and do a good job. The same thing has been happening where I work. I feel your pain. Hugs
Thanks…we’ve got a strong budget and the company is financially sound. There’s not really a reason to be short-handed.
“They figured out that I’m one of the stupid ones who will bust her ass because I care that damn much, and so they take advantage of it.”
That happened to me at my first salaried position working in Human Resources for an insurance company. I was the one who would stay late and work through my lunches while they piled on three jobs and only paid me for once. Assholes. But the truth of the matter is I played myself. I let them do it to my and I will never allow that to happen again. Ever. Lesson learned.
I have to say that I have (slowly) learned this lesson. When this happened to me in 2011, I never said a word to anyone outside the office about how much work I was doing. I let them think that little magic fairies did the work (I assume that’s what they thought)…this time around, the people in leadership positions are hearing about just how much work I’m doing – and so are people who aren’t in leadership but can be influential in their own way…it won’t fix anything, but when I leave, it will be fuel for the fire, I think…and oh yeah, I’m leaving…it’s just a matter of time…
It’s just a reflection that economic conditions are still pretty weak out there and your employer is trying to cut costs by asking you to do more. Nobody likes it, but if you can imagine that there’re still lots of people out there who have been jobless for a few years, maybe you will feel better.
I don’t disagree with you at all…the problem with writing little about work and mostly about sex is that I haven’t gone into full details here, and unfortunately, it’s not quite that. The people will be replaced just not yet. The money is there to pay me more, hire a little temp help whatever, but the decision has been made not to. A lot of the crap where I work has to do more with politics than anything.
If you are as good at work as you are at your blog, they will hurt a whole lot when you leave. I think it is like a relationship, where once the love goes the only way to fix it is to move on. It is almost impossible to put it back together. In the job’s case, they give you nothing for a lot more. Totally the wrong sort of abuse! As you said, it takes your mind off any other problems or things missing in your life.
If you get down, just smile and reflect that they will miss you when you are gone.
I had that thought today. You’ll miss me when I’m gone.
I have a friend who’s work situation is very similar. I don’t know how she does it. When I work, I have a tendency to not voice my objections to something I have to do, but I also don’t end up giving even 50%. In that way, people know exactly how I feel. It’s extremely passive-aggresive, but I’m not a fan of being roped into things.
In my situation, doing less or offering less affects people who have nothing to do with the drama, and that bothers me. That and I’m a goody-two shoes who hates not being Ms. Perfect. /sigh…it’s an illness…
You might just be getting to the place that you are starting to heal and it is bumping into everything else. Hugs to you.
Maybe so…I’m mentally writing a post right now that makes me feel whole and new…
I am glad you shared you work life with us. We can all learn and be introspective about where in our own lives we put up with too much crap. (That’s me talking to me.)
I had an epiphany (email to come) last night and I’m hurting much less today. You and I are so oddly connected that way. Maybe as you feel better I feel better?
If my improving mood can help you, that makes me very happy. 🙂
Sucks when such a major part of your life is no fun.
Yes it does…