After yesterday’s temper tantrum, I feel strangely peaceful. Is it from the release of emotions? Is it because I was simply too busy today to allow anything else into my mind? Does it matter?
I am at a critical point with work where it is going to get much worse before it gets better. I will literally (and yes, I mean literally) be performing three full time positions at one time with my current employer. Anyone ever done that? I’ve only done two full time positions before, never three. My job officially sucks, I know.
One position was eliminated before Christmas – but not the job duties. Another person has found a better job and is moving on – and I’m the only one who knows how to do her job. But I still have my own job to do.
And no, I’m not getting paid one extra dime.
I’m not happy about it. I’ve admitted to at least one person that if I didn’t have children, I would probably just quit. And no, not because I’m being asked to take on extra for no extra money. Because this is a pattern my company established with me a few years ago. They figured out that I’m one of the stupid ones who will bust her ass because I care that damn much, and so they take advantage of it.
But I’m drained dry. I don’t actually care anymore. I just keep doing the best job I can because I don’t know how to be any different. Sometimes I wish I did.
If I get to put my two week notice in soon, they will be shocked and in a bit of trouble, and I won’t care. I’m almost hoping for an exit interview. I won’t burn any bridges, but I will absolutely let them know what I think.
I had a conversation with the co-worker who is leaving at the end of the week. I tell her every day that I am so happy for her, and that I hate her. She feels the love. I admitted today that I will probably cry on Friday when she leaves. When she was hired, I was in the middle of doing her job and my job and it had been that way for four months. I cried the day she started. We’re fairly close now, and she’s a good person. Even if I wasn’t taking over her job (again), I’d miss her.
In some ways, we’re polar opposites – we talked about that today, too. She talked about how she’s very aggressive and hasn’t sugar-coated anything, but she’s not well-liked among the powers-that-be. I reminded her that while I’m very well-liked, when I leave the company they will be shocked because I’ve never been honest with them about how miserable I am. I’ve never told anyone just how unhappy I am. Because I know it won’t change. It’s actually gotten worse over the past three years, never better.
I do that in life – keep plugging away, smile a lot, and tell people that I’m “fine.” Part of it is a fear of disappointing someone. Part of it is a fear of conflict. It means, though, that when I decide that I’ve had enough and I’m done, there is nothing on the planet that could make me change my mind and try again. My mother has told many people, “When she’s shed of you, she’s shed. Don’t even bother trying to change her mind.” It’s true – but it never happens quickly; slowly, over time, inch by inch.
Today, as hellish as it was, was the first time in nearly seven weeks that I didn’t think of him from the moment I walked in the door at work until I finally stumbled to my car to pick up my children. And when I realized it, it didn’t hurt. I realized that it was a good thing.
A day of not living with the heart break is freeing. I’m exhausted; I feel like I’ve run a marathon, twice. But my heart doesn’t hurt.
Was it because of yesterday’s outburst? Was it because of today’s insanity? Was it just a huge coincidence, and I would have gotten to this point on this day anyway without the outside factors? Who the hell knows…I do know that it doesn’t mean anything. Tomorrow could be horrible or it could hit me this weekend. I know it will hit when I travel out of town for work later this month – a time when we would have made plans to see one another. I would probably be willing to see him even now, even after all this time. Oh, I know, it won’t happen, but if it did, I’m the pathetic sap who would be happy about it.
But today I focused on work, and as bad as it is, it’s the best thing that could have happened to me.