Have you ever felt like you were getting it all wrong? Yeah, me too.
I know that I’m kicking ass, taking names, and appear to be Wonder Woman to many people. But that’s not how I feel. I’m stressed and frazzled; I have too much on my plate. There’s nothing I can remove.
(Side note: I now understand how he felt (in a way); I now know why he let me go. It still hurts, but I get it. I was too much to manage and our relationship was the only thing he had control over in his life.)
I have moments when I think it’s all too much. I can’t keep up with what everyone needs. I can’t meet everyone’s high expectations. I can’t do it. Except I keep pulling fucking rabbits of my ass hat.
But I still feel like I’m failing. I’m sure I’m not, but it doesn’t make the feeling go away. I can’t seem to find a moment to breathe. I can’t control my own emotions. I feel powerless – to the people around me, to the needs of my children, to my own expectations.
And I’m alone. I know I have people in my life who genuinely care about me. I’m not truly alone. I get it. It doesn’t change the way I feel.
I crave touch, interaction, closeness. The things I can’t have, of course. Ironically, these are the things I’m afraid of, too.
And in response to my own unhappiness, I lash out at the few people who do care. It starts a cycle of self-loathing that I can’t seem to break. When did I become this person?
There’s no fix for my problem other than to get over it. Unfortunately, I can’t just make all my obligations go away. And when I take time for myself (otherwise known as getting sick and sleeping), I miss the people who care about me.
I feel like I’m getting it all wrong…and I don’t know how to fix it.
Is there nothing to cut out? I offer you a hug if nothing else. ((Hug)) Hopefully things ease for you.
The only thing left to cut out are the things that center me a bit – my few friends and my writing…as you can see, I’ve been writing less…which hasn’t helped since it means the emotions stay bottled up…and my friends are the only other outlet I have…
Hugs do help, though…thank you…((hugs))
Sounds like you’ve just been stressed out. It happens, to the best of us. It can happen to anyone. As for pushing people/friends away, if they are your friends and care about you they will be there for you good and bad.
I assume a lot of responsibility…including for the people I care about…to think that I might use them roughly bothers me as much as my own personal stress bothers me…it adds to my stress…
Many days I feel the same way. Too many days, but not always.
I’m so used to being in control that this makes me feel like I’m falling and there’s nothing to catch me…I don’t like it…
And yes, I realize I’m a submissive woman who’s upset because she feels out of control…it’s the new official definition of “ironic.”
A conundrum.
there are many of us who, because of life need to be dominate at work but submissive in life. It is Irony at its height. But it is reality. Breath deep and hold on things always get better.
You’re right…they do…eventually…just wish I was a patient person…
I send you ((hugs)) and hot chocolate.
I appreciate them both, darling Nick…((hugs))
We (your friends) will be here for you no matter what.
I have a friend who does the rabbit hole thing like I do and we have both not connected in weeks. Today we had 20 minutes together and we hugged and talked non-stop for 20 minutes. It was good and just what it needed to be.
You take care of you and the boys and your friends will have your back when you’re back.
Hugs and kisses…and you know I mean it…
Hugs and kisses, Love. Even though you feel alone, know that you are not the only one who feels this way and at least in that, you are not alone. xxx
That’s what keeps me grounded, unfortunately, is knowing that I’m not alone…
You’re not perfect. The first step is to practice self compassion and be as gentle on yourself as you would be on someone else in this situation.
The other day I messaged my friend in NY with this line “I feel like I am failing at life”. That felt true, that day. I assure you that I am not failing at life.
It’s okay for things to be hard and for you to respond to that in a not perfect manner. Be kind to yourself.
And thanks for your blog, which I greatly enjoy and only recently started to follow.
I have always been very hard on myself…and that’s probably something I need to work on…I’ll add that to my list…lol
Thanks for reading and commenting…I’m always amazed that anyone is moved enough by my words to respond…it’s a humbling thing…