Emotions Masturbation Submissive

Thinking…Lots of Thinking

After last night’s dream and all the other things on my mind, I decided to keep myself as busy as possible today. The idea was that I would keep the errant thoughts at bay if I kept the rest of me very busy.

I went shopping with my children. In case you don’t have kids yet, this means I spent most of the day telling two small people no – a lot and threatening to kick some little boy butt if they didn’t behave. Fun times.

We went to the mall. I never go to the mall. Ever. We went, and I people-watched. As I nosily studied the people around me, my head took over.

Watching couples with children, I wondered if I would always be alone. I asked myself why I couldn’t seem to be enough for anyone. I wondered if I would be one of those women who was single forever, if my children would ever have a father-figure in their lives again. I smiled when I saw couples holding hands. I watched body language to see if I could determine who was happy and who wasn’t. Either I have shitty radar or people are just generally miserable, because there were very few couples that gave off the madly-in-love vibe.

I studied men as they walked by. I tried to determine if I found any of them attractive. Not by a mile. I came across a few that would have been good-looking by anyone’s standards, but they looked like babies to me. One tried to flirt with me but only to make the sale. And if I’d had the money, I would have made the purchase – not because he flirted, though. He worked at a kiosk selling jewelry that could be personalized and I saw a necklace. I thought about having my children’s names engraved on it – then realized I’d bought enough stuff for myself today. He wasn’t cute enough to entice me to spend money.

I studied women as I passed by them. Some were attractive, many were not, a few were stunning. I thought about how I present myself to the world. I saw women who didn’t wear baggy jeans (in my defense, I’ve lost a lot of weight and can’t purchase a new wardrobe yet). I saw women who wore cute shoes – and thought about my cute shoes at home in my closet (as I sported my flip flops – hey, it’s Florida in December, it’s still flip flop weather). I wondered if I should dress with a little more care – and then wondered why I should bother.

I know I should “bother” to make myself feel better. I’m not interested in men. There is only one who holds any appeal for me at all. And even though that’s pretty meaningless right now, it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve effectively placed myself on a shelf. And I should do special things for myself, to make myself feel more like a woman.

I feel a wall being built around me, my heart. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I only want him, even though I’m not sure he wants me. The wall keeps a distance between me and everyone else. That’s probably not healthy – I don’t really care.

I tell myself that I don’t care if others find me attractive – but that’s not true, either. When I know I’m being appraised by someone, when I can feel their eyes on me and I know I’m deemed worthy of a second look, it turns me on. I don’t want the person who’s looking, but the fact that they look makes me want to find a dark corner and cum all over myself.

I saw a lesbian couple tonight and thought one girl was much more attractive than the other. I spent several minutes thinking about how pretty she was. It’s a strange feeling. I don’t want a lesbian relationship, but women seem safer to me right now. Probably because I can keep it all in the realm of fantasy.

I’m on my third glass of wine for the night, and I don’t know whether I want to laugh or cry. I think I want to cum, but it becomes lonely after a while. I would kill for human interaction with another adult – with someone who understands me, all of me, not just the facade I show the world. And yet, I’m not good company, and there’s that damn wall. It gets thicker, wider, and taller every day. Maybe that’s for the best – I’ve spent too much of my time, in this space and elsewhere, thinking about the pain. If the wall keeps that away, maybe it’s a good thing. It probably isn’t, but I’ll lie to myself for tonight.

I’m a submissive in love, who’s placed herself on a shelf, to wait for the only man she knows is worthy of her submission. I’m a little slut that wants an opportunity to play. I’m an exhibitionist who wants to show the part of the world deemed “safe” what I’m about. I’m a lonely woman drinking wine, eating chocolate, and getting off on other people’s fantasies. I’m a writer who can’t conceive of happy endings right now. And I’m a thinker – who thinks too damned much.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I’ve thought that I’ll be that woman who ends up single for the rest of my life. Almost like I’m not good enough. I have to remind myself that I’m not in control and trust things will work out.

    Dress for yourself, to make yourself feel sexy. It buoys the spirits.

    • You’re right, it does. I took a shower just so I could use my new soap and put on my new lotion…I liked smelling pretty, even though it’s only for me…I even bought new lip gloss because gloss always makes me feel pretty…

      I never had these thoughts before, so it’s uncomfortable to wonder if I really will be alone forever…but I know that if it happens that way, it’s because it was supposed to…I just don’t want to settle for something less than what I should have…I know most people think I’m crazy for being willing to wait for him, but I honestly can’t imagine feeling for anyone else the way I feel for him…and I don’t want less than this…ever…

      Ok, enough rambling…too much wine, lol…

  • As a good friend of mine once said…”I’d rather play with myself than saddle myself to a person who makes me miserable.” Her point, you can get companionship from friends and pets…as for sex, she is just as capable of finding her “sweet spot” as any significant other… Any person she is going to open her life to sharing would also have to be an incredible person…sex and attractiveness are just not good enough excuses.

    • I agree completely…

      I think my loneliness comes from having had the something amazing and now being without…but I have no interest in a replacement…only the real deal…

      That being said, the idea of being alone forever is scary to me…I would survive it, I know…I’d ultimately be ok if that’s how it ended up…but thinking about it from this vantage point, knowing I have decades ahead of me (I hope so, at least) is lonely and scary…

  • Just a few random comments:

    You are in mourning for a relationship you fear you may have lost. You are allowed to drink wine and eat chocolate. It is part of the process.

    On Saturday nights, they balance one another out to give almost no calories. This is the magic of Saturday.

    Shopping therapy is good for you, even with boys. It is one of the body’s natural mechanisms to protect you from too much wine and chocolate. The other major mechanism is much less elegant.

    Regard the wall you are building as the scabbing over of a wound. It will itch like hell for a while. Then it will fall away leaving a big red mark. Some of that mark will be with you for ever. The purpose of the wall is to protect your mind while you digest and readjust to what could be a permanent loss of or a significant change in the relationship.

    The wall will also protect you from temptations of the carnal kind while your balance is disturbed and you feel very unattractive to everybody, including stray dogs, and are at risk of letting your standards slip. Fucking on the rebound is never good. In retrospect. And if you do get back together again, it avoids any problems with outstanding laundry items.

    Don’t let the wall become a permanent part of your life, long term. No nice painting or potted plants, ok? It is a short term thing. Sure, the world may be different when you emerge, but emerge you must. There are a few other interesting things out there, but they don’t do house calls to walls.

    You can’t ever get over him fully, but the pain will fade with time. You will blossom again. And, when ‘again’ surely comes, you will be a better person for dealing with the world, more confident, less likely to use the phone or newspaper as social shields. And just look at all those honed sexual tastes and talents you have found. You will be far better able to tease, tempt and take those you interact with. Even if they are not him, they will do until another him comes along.

    Ha! I think I have drooled on enough for a Sunday morning:-)

    • I appreciate your Sunday morning droolings. And I agree with you completely. That’s probably the craziest part – my mind knows and understands everything you’ve said…it’s my damn heart that keeps getting in the way…

      Too much wine last night, I think…I’m not up for bravado today…everything’s right at the surface…

      There’s no other option but to survive, learn to live in this new reality, and hopefully thrive in it…if my feelings would either cooperate or get out of the way, I’d be doing a lot better…I know, I know, that takes time and it’s still too new…

      Anyway, now I’m rambling on a Sunday morning… 🙂

  • If your feelings would ‘get out of the way’ that easily you would be denying the depth of your involvement with him. If he does not come back, you have to let it pass like a summer cloud, slowly. This was not a storm in a teacup. It was a storm in your heart and in your head.

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