I’m going to get this off my chest. I’m going to say what I’m feeling, even though my brain knows it’s not true. Those of you who have become friends will tell me I’m wrong. In the light of the day tomorrow, I might agree, but I’m weighed down right now.
I couldn’t figure out where the grief went. I assumed cumming again fixed me. Hell, I came again last night, thinking it would help me sleep (wrong). I thought that I just needed release and that’s what made it all “better.” I haven’t cried for a couple of days – I thought I tamed the emotions. The ache is with me always, but I thought I was handling my emotions. I thought I found calm, even though peace is a long way off.
Could I be any more wrong?
I found myself mindlessly eating today, even though I wasn’t hungry, even though my stomach hurt, even though I didn’t want to. I’m an emotional eater – always have been. When he held me accountable (at my request), I had to resist the urge, but it was always there, simmering below the surface.
There’s nothing to hold me back now. I don’t have it in me to sink into the abyss I was in – it’s just too painful. I can’t function under the weight of my own sad feelings. So what do I do? I fucking eat. I don’t work out and I eat. I feel disgusting and bloated. I look at food and turn away, but a stray thought comes to mind, and I reach for whatever can fill me up.
I’m empty. I’m alone and empty, and I’m using food to fill me up again. And it’s stupid, and I hate it, but there’s something missing in me that gives me the willpower and determination to stop. I’m angry with myself, I’m angry at the situation, but I feel powerless to stop it.
I came into a little bit of extra money today – totally unexpected. Most of it will go into savings – between Christmas and the potential move, I’m gonna need it. I realized I haven’t purchased anything for myself in a while – just for me.
My next thought was, “Why bother?” That’s how gross I feel right, that’s how disgusted I am with myself.
I can’t even get upset enough to stop the inertia I can feel creeping in. I feel ugly. I feel fat. I feel worthless – I can’t even keep to a simple and doable goal. I feel stupid for letting it happen. I know, I know, I’m none of those things. I get it. You’re right. This is just grief and disappointment talking. But I feel it – and it weighs me down further.
I can’t even cry about it. I’m drained of everything except disgust for myself. In case we haven’t met, meet the ugly side of me.
Oh girl. No words of wisdom from me except to say don’t let it undo you. Fight back like I know you can. 🙂
I’m so tired of fighting sometimes…I feel like all I’ve done in the past few years is fight…
I believe with all my heart that anything worth having is worth fighting for…but I’m just tired…
It will pass, you’ll see.
so don’t beat yourself up too much !
Trying not to…just realized what the hell was happening and didn’t like it…I had almost convinced myself I was fine…it’s just manifesting itself in different ways…
Ok, you are fine. Just take a deep breath and know you are a successful woman, highly regarded in many circles and can handle this hiccup! I have been there & know how hard the weight thing (84 pounds gone over almost 2 years) is, you have to have your “moment” for things to click! This too shall pass and you will do what you need to do for you!! Hugs
Thanks…not a good day, but it won’t always be this way…
You are right! It will not be this way forever, see you are a smart cookie & are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel ( no it is not a train coming at you either) & are on the mend!! Just do for you right now, like you are already doing! Take care!!
If you can’t do it for yourself(which I would normally suggest first, but it sounds like you aren’t in a place to hear that)imagine your Master, either past, present or future and how He would want you to care for yourself. Would he like that you are self destructing? You are in service, even when you are not currently serving. Treat yourself as such, as someones’ property that you must cherish and care for. That helps me when I can’t help myself
(: love the thought of this, great way to wrap you head around any situation!
You’re right…and it’s how I prefer to look at it…today was a bad day…and I’m angry at myself for letting it be bad…for lying to myself…
Just breathe babygirl, i feel and share your pain…This too shall pass, its a roller coaster…Hugz
And I HATE roller coasters…
Me to as a matter of fact…bet you a cup of coffee Your Master likes roller coasters like mine…LOL