The sadness and ache in my heart live with me always, every moment of every day. No, even with the passing of a small amount of time, it has not eased. I won’t dwell on that part, though. There’s no need – it’s just a fact of life. It’s no less a part of who I am now than my brown eyes.
My ability to keep the sadness at bay and focus on other things comes and goes.
Walking through the grocery store this morning, I saw bottles of Merlot and thought of the bottle I still have – in anticipation of a visit that never happened. I saw a bin of NFL cups – and thought of my NY Giants cup and that I’m looking forward to the next game.
I almost appreciate the Christmas music playing non-stop, except when they interrupt with a love song. I find myself singing along without realizing it. When the lyrics finally permeate my consciousness, I get lost in my head for a moment, thinking about the meaning of those words.
I look in the mirror and see the length of my hair. It is a constant reminder of a time before – and I won’t cut it short again. I can’t.
I don’t imagine that he has the same problem. He’s stronger than I am. He has more to worry about than I do. He has real problems, while in the grand scheme of things, my issues right now are insignificant – still very real, but they don’t exactly compare.
Yesterday was a good day. Today, on a day when I have to be at my best because of work (no option otherwise), all I want to do is lay down in bed and pull the covers over my head.
I don’t want to dwell on my feelings, because I know it causes him pain – and I would do anything to avoid that. But I will acknowledge the reality.
And yet, through all of it, my faith and belief in the possibility of something better never falters. I don’t know where the strength of my conviction comes from. I don’t know how I’ve become this person with an unshakable belief in something I can’t begin to predict. I don’t know when I became this woman who can love a man so strongly and unconditionally that although it causes me pain, I will give him what he has asked for – time and space – and I will wait patiently.
But I do know the positive and the negative thoughts and feelings come and go, fighting each other for purchase.
Some days I’m up, and some days I’m gettin’ up.