The sadness and ache in my heart live with me always, every moment of every day. No, even with the passing of a small amount of time, it has not eased. I won’t dwell on that part, though. There’s no need – it’s just a fact of life. It’s no less a part of who I am now than my brown eyes.
My ability to keep the sadness at bay and focus on other things comes and goes.
Walking through the grocery store this morning, I saw bottles of Merlot and thought of the bottle I still have – in anticipation of a visit that never happened. I saw a bin of NFL cups – and thought of my NY Giants cup and that I’m looking forward to the next game.
I almost appreciate the Christmas music playing non-stop, except when they interrupt with a love song. I find myself singing along without realizing it. When the lyrics finally permeate my consciousness, I get lost in my head for a moment, thinking about the meaning of those words.
I look in the mirror and see the length of my hair. It is a constant reminder of a time before – and I won’t cut it short again. I can’t.
I don’t imagine that he has the same problem. He’s stronger than I am. He has more to worry about than I do. He has real problems, while in the grand scheme of things, my issues right now are insignificant – still very real, but they don’t exactly compare.
Yesterday was a good day. Today, on a day when I have to be at my best because of work (no option otherwise), all I want to do is lay down in bed and pull the covers over my head.
I don’t want to dwell on my feelings, because I know it causes him pain – and I would do anything to avoid that. But I will acknowledge the reality.
And yet, through all of it, my faith and belief in the possibility of something better never falters. I don’t know where the strength of my conviction comes from. I don’t know how I’ve become this person with an unshakable belief in something I can’t begin to predict. I don’t know when I became this woman who can love a man so strongly and unconditionally that although it causes me pain, I will give him what he has asked for – time and space – and I will wait patiently.
But I do know the positive and the negative thoughts and feelings come and go, fighting each other for purchase.
Some days I’m up, and some days I’m gettin’ up.
“I get knocked down but I get up again”
I believe it is important to speak our pain so that it is cleansed from us and we can let it go. Sigmund Freud compared the process to lancing a wound the let out the infection so that the body can heal. Sometimes the wound is deep and it takes a lot of speaking to get out all of the pain.
Your Him might be uncomfortable with the evidence of your pain but I’m guessing that one of the very things he chose you for is your passion and emotive nature. I was bemoaning to my Sir how changeable my moods are, how up and down I am and he reminded me that it’s one of the things he likes about me.
May the Universe smile on you and Him and bring you back together soon.
Thank you…I promised him I would try not to be a source of pain for him…not while he’s dealing with everything else…but I do need to acknowledge my feelings every so often…
We soldier on because that’s what we do. We love because that’s who we are.
I am truly sorry Kayla I a really am
I’ll be ok…thank you, Vile…
I am with what night owl said. You need to speak about your pain in order to heal. I know you don’t want to hurt him but it’s your blog, your feelings and your hurt. Please don’t compare your hurt with his. They are both very different and it doesn’t mean his matters more than yours it doesn’t.
If I could I would tell him that He needs to stop reading your blog and the comments because it doesn’t help him or you.
Best of luck K…
I asked why he kept reading if it hurt so much…all I got was silence…which told me that, right now at least, he can’t make himself stop…this probably sounds wrong, but it made me feel better…not that he hurts but that in some ways, it’s just as hard for him as it is for me…
I won’t agree with the old saying “misery loves company” but i do feel better knowing my Sir misses me as much as i miss Him.
I understand completely…