Lots of stuff, nothing cohesive, bit and pieces of my conscious thoughts…
I used the best function of WordPress today – “Save Draft.” I woke up completely exhausted after a very long day on Saturday. It left me emotionally and physically drained. I couldn’t share the experience or my thoughts about everything with the one person I wanted to. Instead I wrote random fiction at midnight before going to sleep.
I tried so hard to cum last night. The moment I touched my g-spot, I remembered one of our first intimate conversations about how to find my g-spot, and I sobbed. I pulled my hands away from my body and curled into a ball, crying into my pillow, the scent of my sex on my hands.
Waking up from that left me a crazy mess. Dark thoughts swirled in my head for a long time. I knew I had to get them out, but I promised that I wouldn’t write about it anymore. I wrote anyway, thinking I’d have to apologize and deal with the consequences. Until “Save Draft” saved me.
I got it all out. Every ugly thought, every sad question, every feeling in my mind. Once it was out of my head, I felt drained but calmer. Still sad, but nothing like before. I could focus again. And I didn’t piss off the one person I’m trying to comfort. Thank you “Save Draft” button.
I put up my Christmas tree today. I spent too many years working retail to really love Christmas. But for my children, I try. I had thought I would be trying harder this year for someone who adores Christmas. Now I’m trying harder for myself, instead.
I think Christmas cookies need to be on next weekend’s agenda.
I lost five pounds this week. A friend pointed out that the grief and depression diet is not actually recommended by doctors, and I should eat instead. I still liked the number on the scale regardless of how I got there – sad but true.
I haven’t worked out in days, but I haven’t had an appetite, either. A diet of sweet tea and dark chocolate probably isn’t a lifestyle change I should embrace, but the sugar and caffeine keep me going.
It’s a process. Eventually, I’ll eat normally again.
I plan on watching the Giants game tomorrow night. Since I don’t know anything about any NFL teams, I have no idea how they’ll do against the Redskins, but after last week’s Giants game, I’m looking forward to this one.
I’ll find out tomorrow or Tuesday if I got the job that I interviewed for last week. I’m already nervous.
If I didn’t, it’s not a complete loss because I have a second interview for ANOTHER job on Thursday. But I really want the first job more.
I’m not sure whether to write or read tonight. Maybe a little bit of both.
These are the things that run through my mind throughout the day – all at the same time. Not at all complex but damn tiring, nonetheless. I’m pretty sure I never stop thinking.