A Dam Bursts

I’ve read this ten times. I’ve debated about even posting it. Some will be surprised at it. Some won’t be. It seems disjointed with no cohesion, but that’s how it is in my head tonight, too. I think I decided to post it because it’s real, and it’s me. And I don’t know how to be anything other than that. If you came here for something sexy, here, try this instead. If I sound sad and pathetic, that’s ok, that’s how I feel. If I sound foolish, that’s ok, too, because I am. 

I’ve played the part quite nicely. I’ve focused on my sexual side. I’ve focused on my flirtatious side. I’ve had interesting conversations. I’ve made new friends. I’ve been the woman I think I’m supposed to be.

Eventually, the dam bursts – it always does.

This isn’t about him. This isn’t about grief. This isn’t about loving and losing. Or is it loving and waiting?

I feel disposable. I’ve been disposable my entire adult life – in love, at least. No worries, Kayla will love you forever because she doesn’t know any better. Walk away, run away, stay and use her until she’s empty, it doesn’t matter, she’s not going anywhere.

I’d never had anything good, until recently. And I told him that I had one fear – wanting and loving something I can’t have. I don’t just want it, I need it, crave it, and ache for it. And I still can’t have it.

I’m no good for anyone like this. I’m going through the motions, waiting for the next person to be done with me, to walk away. I have conversations with people all the time and the little voice in the back of my head wonders how long it will last. When will they grow tired, bored, stressed, other things will need to be dealt with. It’s the way of the world.

He wasn’t the first to need to step away from me – he was just the only one who was honest about it. Maybe that’s why I was able to honor his request so “easily.” I haven’t handled it well since, but at least I gave him what he needed. Does that count?

My ex husband acted like he never wanted to leave – I guess that’s what happens when you make someones life too easy. But once he decided he was done with me, I was nothing to him. Less than nothing. Easily pushed around. Use scare tactics on her, she’ll come running back. Guess that backfired on him.

My lion was different.

The only thing that keeps me from losing all faith is that I know he’ll tell me when he really is done, when he doesn’t love me anymore, when he wants me to simply leave his life completely. He hasn’t done that yet. It doesn’t mean I don’t wait for it every single day. I’m almost glad we don’t talk much – it means he can’t say the thing I dread hearing the most.

I stood in the shower tonight, sobbing. I feel the distance increasing between us and I’m powerless to stop it. But when I try to tell myself that I’ll just let him go completely, the pain of that idea is so bad it feels like it’s happening all over again.

This isn’t the I’m-not-a-worthy-person post.

But I still wonder about the people who befriend me – for whatever their reasons. Why? What do you want? What do you hope to gain? Don’t you know I’m broken? Don’t you realize that you’ll be done with me one day, too? Don’t you realize that I know it before it even happens? I know nothing in life is permanent. I don’t have long-lasting anything. It just doesn’t work that way. I don’t know why, but I know it’s so.

I’m no good for anyone. Not like this. I’m supposed to be a woman who faces life head on, stays strong, laughs and cracks a sarcastic joke. I’m supposed to keep a brave face. I’m supposed to remember that other people have it worse.

I question myself every day. I’m not alone in this, I know. Other people go through this. Other people have it worse. Other people know real pain. I’m whining about what? A month of sadness? Everyone tells me it will be over eventually. That I should find something to smile about. I guess that’s supposed to be the cure, right? Just pretend not a goddamned thing is wrong with me, that I don’t question myself every second of every day. Eventually, I’ll get over it. Right? That’s the theory, right?

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • We all question. We crave routine. We all feel. It is a crazy, nutty, lonely, bizarre, glorious & tremendous time of the year. Deep breath darling one. You will be fine! (;

  • Kayla … the dam has not burst. When there is such a sudden flow of emotion, it’s natural that the dam will overflow. That’s allowed. That’s normal. Soon the emotional flow will subside a bit, and everything will still be controlled behind the dam. The dam is still strong … damn strong

  • You are growing and these are the growing pains that come with. The holidays alone can be stressful, not to mention a full moon tonight 😉 Be proud of who you are never forget that.

  • Kayla,
    There is no time limit on grief. Our society pressures us to put on a happy face and plow ahead. That dishonors who we are as humans in all our variety.

    You told me just the other day that it’s okay to have a good wallow. I told my son the same thing when he went through a low period after dropping out of college. I once read that you can’t go around sadness and grief, you have to go through it. Let yourself go through it. Repressing it just gets you more of the same.

    Even knowing that it is finite is absolutely meaningless when it’s your grief and you’re in the middle of it. We may become acclimated to pleasure, to sex, to chocolate or wine or drugs, but we never, ever become acclimated to pain. It is always fresh and sharp.

    I believe in honoring your pain- not worshipping it, but giving it its due and respecting it. It has something to tell you.

    • I miss who I was before…I hate questioning myself so much…I’m tired of crying…and when the alternative is suggested – letting him go completely – the pain is so fresh and real that I’d gladly take every other sad feeling to avoid that pain, the pain of total loss…but then I feel selfish…he didn’t walk away because I was unworthy…so I do feel that way? Why can’t I just be patient and wait, confident in what he told me? Why can’t I just be different?

      All questions that can’t be answered to my satisfaction, so this is what happens…wallowing, more wallowing…always wallowing…

  • I really like what Night Owl said above. Kayla, give yourself a lot of love and care. Be gentle and patient. Let grief take its time, do its work. There will be a flower that comes out of dust one day. Follow your feelings and talk to them gently. You are your best friend. You worth all the attention and love. We are all here, your friends. No one is going anywhere. And we understand.

  • Thank you for sharing this. It was beautiful and hard to read because it is who I am as well. The secret me that I try to hide, the me that I try to overcome every day. The negative patterns that crop up if I don’t keep them in check or that part that takes over when I’m overwhelmed. I have no answers.

  • Kayla, I am sure this makes sense to most women. This is just a moment in time for your life and things are ever changing. You are not insane, you just feel it. .You know who you are and what you have to give and this will be complimented for you..I know it.. x

  • Hmmm …. I liked this because I dont think “you’ll get over it” – and I think you know that too. I think you are trying to explore the deeper parts of yourself and why feel how you do … and allowing us to peek in.

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