Me and My Kink

After last night, I woke up today feeling almost calm, serene even. When you believe completely that what you’re doing is the right thing, even though the process sucks, it’s an easy feeling to achieve. That doesn’t mean the sadness dissipates, just that facing the day isn’t quite as difficult.

This morning had some unbelievable moments. Are the cosmos trying to tell me something? Two people contacted me about my resume.

One called to tell me I wasn’t qualified for the position I applied for, only because of my years of experience. He said my credentials were great. Guess who stood about two inches taller after that? He’s a headhunter, and he asked if he could reach out to me if he came across something he thought I was qualified for. Ok, so I think I stood at my full height at those words. (Be shocked, I’ve been a little slumpy lately.)

The second reached out to me and scheduled a phone interview for this afternoon. Why yes, I can take my lunch hour in my car and have a phone interview. It was supposed to be 20 minutes long. 35 minutes later, we ended the call. I know it was a good interview. I’m not sure if I want the position because it involves more travel than I think I can handle, but the income potential is so great, it might not matter. I don’t know.

I felt great, empowered, confident in myself. It was wonderful.

And then I looked around for someone to share the news with. And I realized there was nobody. No, this isn’t a weepy post about the one thing I’m not going to talk about. This was me realizing that there’s something missing in my life, and I don’t know how to fix it. That realization led me to another thought – one that I think is mostly wishful thinking and ridiculous.

I have friends; I’m not a complete hermit. But I face a problem that a lot of D/s probably face. No one who is close to me in real life knows about my submissive nature. All of you know about D/s but don’t know me in real life. So when something comes up that I want to share, there’s no one who knows me best, who knows how everything I’m going through relates to everything else.

I have friends that I am crazy close to, but they’re all my mother’s age, so there aren’t exactly giggly moments between us, and they have a tendency to “mom” me. The few people I’ve met in the past few years who were my age and I could relate to aren’t people I would ever confide into about D/s.

I know I’m not the only person with this problem. And maybe there is no fix. But when you’re going through heartbreak, hell at work (it’s horrible – I used to adore my job and now I hate getting up and going), the struggle of being a single mom, or something even worse, what you want most in the world is that person who you can talk to, who will help you find perspective, who’ll make you laugh, who’ll just show up and force you to forget it for a moment or let you cry on their shoulder about it – whatever you need. Or maybe that’s just me.

I firmly believe that your significant other shouldn’t be the only person in your life you’ve got. Yes, in a D/s relationship, the Dom is the most important because of the dynamics, but in case you wondered, not having a close friend outside of that is pretty damned lonely. Especially when the D/s is over.

I thought about when I was still in high school and had my “best friend” – girls, you know what I’m talking about. You called each other and giggled incoherently together. You went over to her house, she came over to yours, and you locked yourselves away plotting the next boy, the next adventure, what you would tell your parents. My best friend and I had a habit of lounging on one another, almost like puppies. We had no sense of personal space at all.

I thought about that, about feeling a warm, soft body next to mine – and my kink reared her ugly head. I realized that not only did I miss having a best friend, I still wanted something I hadn’t thought about in weeks. I’m still as bi-curious as ever. I think a mini-porn played in my head. One moment, laughing and talking, the next touching and kissing, rubbing and fingering.

Holy shit, where did that come from?!

Talk about wanting a total fantasy. I can see the Fetlife post now – Looking for someone to be best girl friend, who understands and respects D/s and other kinks, and is bi-curious just like me.

Yeah, somehow I don’t think that will happen. It’s completely impractical. I can only imagine the drama that could come from something like that.

I’m not sure what it says about me that I’m fantasizing about women. I know why – the idea of another man is inconceivable to me. It might not always be that way, but it is now. Am I thinking about a woman’s soft body because I know it’s impossible, so its “safe” to think about? Am I so lonely and craving something I haven’t had in years that I’ve taken it too far? Am I just that kinky? Fuck if I know.