Fantasy Submissive

Me and My Kink

After last night, I woke up today feeling almost calm, serene even. When you believe completely that what you’re doing is the right thing, even though the process sucks, it’s an easy feeling to achieve. That doesn’t mean the sadness dissipates, just that facing the day isn’t quite as difficult.

This morning had some unbelievable moments. Are the cosmos trying to tell me something? Two people contacted me about my resume.

One called to tell me I wasn’t qualified for the position I applied for, only because of my years of experience. He said my credentials were great. Guess who stood about two inches taller after that? He’s a headhunter, and he asked if he could reach out to me if he came across something he thought I was qualified for. Ok, so I think I stood at my full height at those words. (Be shocked, I’ve been a little slumpy lately.)

The second reached out to me and scheduled a phone interview for this afternoon. Why yes, I can take my lunch hour in my car and have a phone interview. It was supposed to be 20 minutes long. 35 minutes later, we ended the call. I know it was a good interview. I’m not sure if I want the position because it involves more travel than I think I can handle, but the income potential is so great, it might not matter. I don’t know.

I felt great, empowered, confident in myself. It was wonderful.

And then I looked around for someone to share the news with. And I realized there was nobody. No, this isn’t a weepy post about the one thing I’m not going to talk about. This was me realizing that there’s something missing in my life, and I don’t know how to fix it. That realization led me to another thought – one that I think is mostly wishful thinking and ridiculous.

I have friends; I’m not a complete hermit. But I face a problem that a lot of D/s probably face. No one who is close to me in real life knows about my submissive nature. All of you know about D/s but don’t know me in real life. So when something comes up that I want to share, there’s no one who knows me best, who knows how everything I’m going through relates to everything else.

I have friends that I am crazy close to, but they’re all my mother’s age, so there aren’t exactly giggly moments between us, and they have a tendency to “mom” me. The few people I’ve met in the past few years who were my age and I could relate to aren’t people I would ever confide into about D/s.

I know I’m not the only person with this problem. And maybe there is no fix. But when you’re going through heartbreak, hell at work (it’s horrible – I used to adore my job and now I hate getting up and going), the struggle of being a single mom, or something even worse, what you want most in the world is that person who you can talk to, who will help you find perspective, who’ll make you laugh, who’ll just show up and force you to forget it for a moment or let you cry on their shoulder about it – whatever you need. Or maybe that’s just me.

I firmly believe that your significant other shouldn’t be the only person in your life you’ve got. Yes, in a D/s relationship, the Dom is the most important because of the dynamics, but in case you wondered, not having a close friend outside of that is pretty damned lonely. Especially when the D/s is over.

I thought about when I was still in high school and had my “best friend” – girls, you know what I’m talking about. You called each other and giggled incoherently together. You went over to her house, she came over to yours, and you locked yourselves away plotting the next boy, the next adventure, what you would tell your parents. My best friend and I had a habit of lounging on one another, almost like puppies. We had no sense of personal space at all.

I thought about that, about feeling a warm, soft body next to mine – and my kink reared her ugly head. I realized that not only did I miss having a best friend, I still wanted something I hadn’t thought about in weeks. I’m still as bi-curious as ever. I think a mini-porn played in my head. One moment, laughing and talking, the next touching and kissing, rubbing and fingering.

Holy shit, where did that come from?!

Talk about wanting a total fantasy. I can see the Fetlife post now – Looking for someone to be best girl friend, who understands and respects D/s and other kinks, and is bi-curious just like me.

Yeah, somehow I don’t think that will happen. It’s completely impractical. I can only imagine the drama that could come from something like that.

I’m not sure what it says about me that I’m fantasizing about women. I know why – the idea of another man is inconceivable to me. It might not always be that way, but it is now. Am I thinking about a woman’s soft body because I know it’s impossible, so its “safe” to think about? Am I so lonely and craving something I haven’t had in years that I’ve taken it too far? Am I just that kinky? Fuck if I know.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I remember the story you wrote a while ago on this. Not a fantasy I have (though one I have swam in and dabbled in), I stir clear for a number of reasons. I agree you need a friend you can lean on, someone to carry a little of the burden. We shoulder too much on our own.

    • Most likely, I’d try it out and find out that it’s not my thing…

      I was juggling all the other burdens so well…this is the one that knocked me on my ass…but I’ve got to find the way to pick myself and keep going…staying on my ass isn’t an option…

  • OMG I could write the same FetLife ad as you just did!!! I am looking for the exact same thing! Although I am not going through what you are, I have recently realized that I have no true friends. I also am very bi-curious and I think it is because I have been with my husband for so long that I can’t picture being with another man. Congratulations on your great news regarding your interview and the headhunter. That’s awesome!!

    • It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

      Thank you. It’s exciting, and terrifying…especially with everything else going on.

      I’m taking chances with so much of my life. I’ve never done anything without being sure of the outcome and here I am, leaping into the air with nothing to catch me – in life and love.

  • I’m so glad you at least have this space where you can share. And even though we can’t all flop on each other like puppies and our interactions are limited to translations in 1s and 0s, it helps. : ) I hope you find a good girlfriend. I’m blessed enough to have a couple and they keep me sane. Well… sorta. ; )

  • Hi Kayla! Just thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing today. Hope you have a great weekend! (I wanted to send you an e-mail, but I couldn’t find your e-mail address on my phone. I hope you get this!)

  • Why is it impossible?
    You should chase your fantasies!
    At the very least, it will give you something fun and kinky to focus on.

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