Spun Up

Frustrated at our conversation, I forgot myself.  Close to actually yelling at Him, I allowed exhaustion and stress to take over my brain and my mouth.

“Shut it. Now.”

Silence on my end. I knew I crossed a line – I just didn’t care. What He was trying to tell me was too hard to swallow, knowing my reality better than He does.

“Be quiet and listen to me. You get yourself all spun up and you steamroll me while I’m trying to talk. Stop that fucking shit. Now.”

“Yes, Sir.” Meek and mild, I hated what I had done but still rebelled in my mind. There are times when He is so forceful with me that I feel backed into a corner. My instinct is to lash out and get out of that corner quickly.

I forgot myself. I forgot He isn’t like anyone else I’ve known or loved. I came close to fucking up.

We talked for more than an hour about work. It’s tiring because my logical brain knows He’s right. The illogical nature of my current job means that no matter how right He is, it still won’t work. At the end of the conversation, I felt better. Nothing was truly resolved for me, but the tension had been released.

“For the record, don’t ever take that tone with me again. You hear me?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I will not tolerate that shit again. You do NOT speak to me like that. I don’t give a shit if you are spun up.”

I swallowed hard. “Yes, Sir.”

Some days, submitting has very little to do with sex. Some days, it’s about simply remembering who’s in charge. Unfortunately, I know how easy it is for me to get spun up. One day, it will probably bite me in the ass.