My Own Fault

Tears streamed down my face as I lifted my ass into the air and inserted the vibrating plug. I didn’t even want to do this now – and it was my own fault…

A few minutes earlier, I spoke with Him about my plans for the evening.

“I’m getting ready to train my ass for you, Sir!” Gleeful and proud of myself, the words bubbled out of me.

“Thank you, pet. I’m very proud of you.”

Desperate to get my next thought out, I didn’t think – I just spoke. “Can I cum tonight, please Sir?”

“Well, if you’d have given me a second to finish my thought, I would have told you that you could cum. But there you go again, asking instead of waiting, not letting me talk. So no, you cannot cum.”

Tears filled my eyes. “Ah, fuck, Sir, I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.”

Remembering an earlier conversation about His expectations, I tried to keep my voice even and level. I didn’t want Him to think I was pouting or whining. I accepted His chastising, knowing I deserved it but very upset with myself.

At one point, when tears threatened, I chuckled at something He said.

“I don’t think this is a laughing matter.”

“No Sir, it isn’t, but it’s either laugh or cry right now.”

We hung up after just a few moments. I buried my face in my blanket. Sobs wracked my body. These tears were for more than just a minor disappointment in being denied. I tried to dry my tears as I prepared the first plug – what I consider the warm-up for everything else.

My ass accepted it with no problems. I laid there, ass up, head down, despondent as I went through all ten settings. The normal ache that fills my pussy – absent. I cried silently. I derived no pleasure from any of what I did to my ass.

Next, the blue glass. I tried to insert it in the same position and fire filled my body. Clearly, not a good position. I shifted, but the pain refused to dissipate. I cried harder – not wanting to continue, knowing I needed to. Finally, I shifted my body into the correct position. I slowly fucked myself with the glass dildo. Tears streamed down my face.

Finally, the time came for the dark knight – a large, black vibrating dildo. I sat up in bed and stared at it for a few moments. Knowing I couldn’t be done with this train wreck of a session until I fucked myself with it, I lubed it up and assumed the position. My ass refused it at first and then, as if my body sucked it in, the vibrator slid right in – in the wrong position again. This one has a slight curve. If not inserted in the right way, it’s more painful than it has to be.

The pain in my ass amplified the pain in my heart, and I sobbed. As my body adjusted, the tears dried somewhat. I slowly fucked myself and changed the vibrator settings. After several minutes, I finally stopped, thankful it was over.

As I cleaned my toys in the bathroom sink, I looked at myself in the vanity mirror. Eyes, nose, and cheeks, red. Swollen, tear-stained face. Sad look. I looked as if my heart had been broken or my dog died.

Why couldn’t I stop crying? I’ve been denied before. I’ve been punished before. God knows, I’ve been impatient before and suffered the consequences. Why now?

Earlier today, as we caught up from our day, He heard something in my voice – something I was unaware of – and asked me if everything was okay. I went through a couple of things that could have me down, but they were relatively minor. Tonight, staring at my pathetic reflection in the mirror, I realized my problem (and it is my problem).

I don’t feel connected to Him the way I would like to be. As the submissive, nothing is really as I would like it to be. I serve at His pleasure. But this is different. We’re both very busy, and we’re always very tired. He goes to bed earlier than I do and I wake up later than He does. The few moments we might have during the day with one another are missed because of our schedules. It’s also been 6 weeks or more since we were together. I am well aware that I will see Him in six days, but in the meantime I miss Him desperately. It’s a physical ache and there’s nothing that can be done about it.

When I put my foot in my mouth and caused myself to be punished tonight, instead of feeling sublimely dominated (which is a weird side affect and not something I seek – I’m no brat), I felt broken, shattered. And it was my own fault. Writing this now, confessing it, I’m still crying. I feel empty inside, hollow, and there’s nothing that can fix it except time – six days to be exact.