I Can’t Sleep

Giggly, jittery, jumpy, breathless, shaking – I can’t sleep.

I bounce off walls.  I am in constant motion.  My eyes cannot close.  My breath shortens, then lengthens.  My scent permeates the entire room.  I wriggle in the bed like a puppy.  My words come in a rush, punctuated by the giggles of a little girl.

I must sleep.  Exhaustion will not be an option.

I will travel with others tomorrow.  Impatience and babbling will be the hallmarks of my day.  My inner five year old will emerge, “Are we there yet?  How much longer?  Traffic? Nooooooooooooo!”

I won’t want to stop for gas.  I won’t want to stop for lunch.  Get me there, get me there, getmethere, getmethere!

How can they not realize that my journey will begin tomorrow?  Why won’t they assist me in this?  They won’t because they can’t understand.  I am headed towards my destiny, towards my true self.  How I have waited 32 years for this, I don’t know.  How can I possibly wait another 15 hours?

My stomach hurts. My heart races.  Nerves.  Every what-if imaginable floats through my brain: What if He is disappointed? What if I do something wrong? What if I’ve been wrong all along?  What if it’s just like I imagine and my breath is stolen by my Sir?

Nausea overtakes me.  Anything too good to be true probably is.  This seems wonderful.  Is it?

I am running, sprinting headlong into my true self.  It rises up to meet me like a freight train in a long, dark tunnel.  I had better hang on for the ride, or I will get run over by it.  But either way, I will meet my inner submissive tomorrow.  Who is she?  Is she pleasing?  Will she take what she is given or will she shy away in self-doubt?

Gasping for breath, pacing with worry – I can’t sleep.