Endings and Beginnings

In order to begin this journey as a submissive woman, I felt I had to leave something behind.  If you have followed me from the beginning (or been brave enough to read everything regardless of when you found me), you know that I had someone.  I made him the center of my sexual desires and sexual fantasies.  He inspired me to search for my sexual self.  I looked forward to introducing him to my sexual side.

The reality, however, was much different.  For months, I pined after him. I accepted less than I deserved because my feelings for him ran deep.  Those feelings were not reciprocated.  Or, if they were, they were not clearly shown.  I was left alone, lost, lonely, sad – me and my hand.

When I care, I care deeply.  I am stupidly loyal.  I hang on fiercely.

In the past year or so, I have learned not to hold on to someone who is clearly not holding on to me.  But in this case, that’s what happened.  I had him by the shirt tails, frantically clinging to someone who did not want what I had to give.  I still care very deeply for him, but I am worth so much more.

My favorite saying, and it has become a motto in life is, “Do not make someone a priority when they only make you an option.”

Before I could truly release myself to my Sir, I had to let him go.  I had to release myself from this man who did not understand my value as a sexual woman.  It was hard but necessary.

I tried to speak to him about it because it felt like the right thing to do.  In the end, as always, there was never time to talk.  I emailed him.  The day after my night with Sir, I received a response.  Yes, while I was experiencing subdrop, I faced further emotional turmoil.  I refused to respond until after subdrop passed.

But the fact remains that the man who inspired me to start this journey did not understand what he had – if his response to my decision was any indication.  My journey continues with my Sir who understands exactly what He has in me.  He makes me a priority – in the way only a Dominant can.  He is my priority.  It is the most natural thing, and I have been searching for it my whole life.

In the past few days, I experienced endings and beginnings.  I do not regret any of my decisions.  I look forward to the future.  But the truth is that I hurt, I’m tender, and I’m scared.  When I care, I care deeply.  I just want to find the person who can handle that and reciprocate.