And Who Do You Think You Are?

I have spent most of my adult life thinking that exact question whenever someone, especially a husband, boyfriend, lover, whatever tried to tell me what they thought I should do.  It was more like, “Who the fuck do you think you are?” but you get my point.

My, oh my, how things change.

I have had short hair for 10 years. I grew it out while I was engaged, got it chopped off two days after I got married.  My then-husband preferred long hair, and I didn’t care.  I wanted short hair, so by God in hell, I got short hair.  Kept it that way, didn’t ask his opinion, didn’t care.

One of the first D/s interactions I had with my Sir was about my hair.

“You will grow it long, and if you decide to color it, I will decide what color.”

For half a second, my ball-busting, bitch self reared in my mind, and then scurried away with her tail between her legs.  I know this because what came out of my mouth was, “Yes, Sir” in the meekest tone I’ve probably uttered to date.

I’ve eaten what I wanted for years.  I lost weight on my own, no help from anyone.  I believe I looked at my ex-husband many years ago, and said, “Don’t even think about telling me what I can and can’t eat. If I want to eat a fucking doughnut, that’s what I’ll do”  And then I gave him the “look” – if you’re a woman who’s ever had a bitch-from-hell moment, you know the look I’m referring to.  Men, if you ever dated or married the bitch-from-hell, you know the look, too.

A week ago, I practically begged my Sir to please take over control of that aspect of my life.  And while there have been moments when it’s been difficult, it’s something I’ve needed – because it works, because it’s easy, because I derive comfort from it.

So how did I manage to make a complete 180?  My Sir tells me all the time that I am a natural submissive, that I never encountered the man I was willing to submit to.  My gut reaction makes me say it’s because of how I feel about my Sir, the love I feel.  But that’s incomplete.  It’s about respect and trust, too.  Before I could ever admit I loved Him, I respected Him and from there, trust grew.  In my limited experience, I think it takes all three – respect, trust, and love.

I firmly believe that if one of the three elements was missing, I’d be a bratty submissive.  I’d top from the bottom.  (And no I’m not trying to imply that bratty submissives top from the bottom – I have no clue if that’s what they do.) But I know me.  If the trust, the respect, or the love were missing, I would try to take control.  This would be role play; it wouldn’t be real.

This is very real to me.

And when a demand is placed upon me that I am not used to or that I know I would have rejected in a previous life, when I respond to that demand, I no longer wonder who the hell He thinks He is.  The difference now is that I know who I am.