And Who Do You Think You Are?

I have spent most of my adult life thinking that exact question whenever someone, especially a husband, boyfriend, lover, whatever tried to tell me what they thought I should do.  It was more like, “Who the fuck do you think you are?” but you get my point.

My, oh my, how things change.

I have had short hair for 10 years. I grew it out while I was engaged, got it chopped off two days after I got married.  My then-husband preferred long hair, and I didn’t care.  I wanted short hair, so by God in hell, I got short hair.  Kept it that way, didn’t ask his opinion, didn’t care.

One of the first D/s interactions I had with my Sir was about my hair.

“You will grow it long, and if you decide to color it, I will decide what color.”

For half a second, my ball-busting, bitch self reared in my mind, and then scurried away with her tail between her legs.  I know this because what came out of my mouth was, “Yes, Sir” in the meekest tone I’ve probably uttered to date.

I’ve eaten what I wanted for years.  I lost weight on my own, no help from anyone.  I believe I looked at my ex-husband many years ago, and said, “Don’t even think about telling me what I can and can’t eat. If I want to eat a fucking doughnut, that’s what I’ll do”  And then I gave him the “look” – if you’re a woman who’s ever had a bitch-from-hell moment, you know the look I’m referring to.  Men, if you ever dated or married the bitch-from-hell, you know the look, too.

A week ago, I practically begged my Sir to please take over control of that aspect of my life.  And while there have been moments when it’s been difficult, it’s something I’ve needed – because it works, because it’s easy, because I derive comfort from it.

So how did I manage to make a complete 180?  My Sir tells me all the time that I am a natural submissive, that I never encountered the man I was willing to submit to.  My gut reaction makes me say it’s because of how I feel about my Sir, the love I feel.  But that’s incomplete.  It’s about respect and trust, too.  Before I could ever admit I loved Him, I respected Him and from there, trust grew.  In my limited experience, I think it takes all three – respect, trust, and love.

I firmly believe that if one of the three elements was missing, I’d be a bratty submissive.  I’d top from the bottom.  (And no I’m not trying to imply that bratty submissives top from the bottom – I have no clue if that’s what they do.) But I know me.  If the trust, the respect, or the love were missing, I would try to take control.  This would be role play; it wouldn’t be real.

This is very real to me.

And when a demand is placed upon me that I am not used to or that I know I would have rejected in a previous life, when I respond to that demand, I no longer wonder who the hell He thinks He is.  The difference now is that I know who I am.


About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I figure the trust, love, respect thing is pivotal. That would make the difference for me. It’s interesting how that works for us.

  • Girl, I feel like I’m reading ‘myself’ in your pieces–I’ve thought and felt exactly the same things and like you, rejected my sexuality for a long time,Then quite by surprize, discovered I was a submissive–in addition to being a feminist. That was hard to wrap my head around for a while !
    == I appreciate the thumbs up for my story, thank you. [the evening is all fiction uinfortunately. .haha]

    • When I let myself go, I don’t think too much about it, but when I’m in my head, it’s hard to reconcile submissiveness with my feminist self…what helps is that I am a much more confident woman than I was before…without my sexual submission, I don’t know that I could look an asshole in the eyes and tell them to kiss it…lol

      Well, I love your fiction!

  • Regarding the feminist/submissive quandary–I finally realized these were just 2 different aspects co-residing in me, and one does not preclude the other. I think most Doms worth the time appreciate a strong woman. . they see that the submission is a conscious, ongoing choice that honors him

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