Getting Stuck In a Rut…and Getting Out of It

No one is immune to ruts, routines, and the daily stuff of living – not even the kinky among us. And yet, I think some of us who prefer our lives a lot less vanilla are the most surprised when it happens to us. It’s hard to imagine that the sweaty, grunting, hot mess sex and fun we have with our partners could ever fade away.

Vanilla or kinky, all relationships require hard work. One part of that is to be mindful of the ruts and routines of life that prevent a deeper connection.

Case in point, I had a small breakdown over a lack of orgasms. Okay, I cried after we had sex and sniffled pitifully, telling myself I wouldn’t say a word – for fear of topping from the bottom and “demanding” orgasms – or at least appearing that way.

Of course, he made me tell him. And of course, he solved the issue for me. Lots of orgasms. Forced orgasms. Body-quaking orgasms.

The point isn’t the orgasms – or the lack of them.

The point is that when one of you perceives a lack of something, you have a responsibility to speak up.

For us, lately, it’s been one small crisis after another. Car and motorcycle in the shop. Appliances that break down. Family that loses their mind. Late hours working. Overwhelming demands all in the name of making a paycheck. Crazy stuff that’s all completely normal.  Now that the holidays are here, it’s just that much worse.

So yes, it’s easy to keep doing what you’ve been doing for weeks – for us, that was sleepy, quick sex at the end of a long day (if we had the energy). The result, though, was a lack of intimacy and connection. There were no growls of a Dominant on the prowl or squeals of an overwhelmed submissive. We were two people collapsing against one another from time to time.

It’s life. It happens to all of us. And there’s actually nothing wrong with nights like that – until they become something you dread or you start to feel like something is missing.

At that point, in my humble little opinion, you have two options: Stay in the rut until the day you wake up and wonder what happened to your relationship. Or shake things up. Yes, that may mean a submissive gets teary over a perceived slight. But what it requires is a dose of honesty.

Communication never stops and in even the kinkiest relationship, it’s not always going to be about limits and kinky fuckery. Sometimes, it’s going to be a teary demand for some attention. (Pro tip to all you submissives: Respectfully tearful demands yield better results than tantrums and foot-stomping. Just sayin’…)

When you’re both committed to your relationship, you’ll find a way to work it out. Whatever it is. Communication, compromise, and a determination to keep your relationship functioning at a healthy level aren’t always easy, but they are always worth it.