I have felt stupid and crappy all day. I cried on the way to work this morning, tearfully emailing Daddy that I thought someone was ignoring me. I know they weren't, but I felt left out and unwanted. Ugh.
I lurk online in the evenings, watching the world interact, wondering what's wrong with me that I only feel comfortable in this space, hiding behind a keyboard and my website.
By the way, it's my blog, and I'll emote if I want to. If you're here for the sexiness, here you go.
The best way I know to work through feelings, especially the negative ones, is to write. But I've turned my blog into something where I write about very specific things. It almost feels wrong to clog up my own airways with this, especially when I know in the morning, I'll feel better. But the truth is, I feel like crap right now. Ugh.
I'm so excited that June is approaching slightly faster than at a snail's pace. We may have locked down a place to live - waiting for confirmation before getting too excited, though. A new life is starting, and it's exciting and thrilling and sometimes, my face hurts from smiling so much.
But then I remember what I'm leaving. Not a lot, but one bestie is already 3 hours away and another is about to be 7 hours away. And those besties know nothing about this space, this life, none of it. But they're mine, and they're people I'm comfortable enough with that I can talk to about my vanilla problems.
And I'm scared. The only close friends I've ever had as an adult I've met through work - and now I'll be working from home. I'm watching some amazing women build relationships through the blogosphere, and I am so happy for them. But I know I'm not able to do that. Not because I don't want to. I just don't know how.
Daddy says I need a sissy (sissie? Hell, I don't know the right spelling). He says I need a submissive friend who I can talk to about my own life and experiences. He's probably right - he usually is. But I do talk about it with a lot of you - through comments, your own blogs, even email and text messages. That's the easy part. Looking someone in the eyes and confiding deep, dark secrets? Scary as fuck.
But I've never thought you can just make that kind of thing happen. It's got to be organic, and there's some amount of chemistry involved. Plus, I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to make small talk. Ask Daddy - that poor man spent 6 months pulling information out of me. If not for my blog, he wouldn't have known much for a long damn time.
I like to listen and observe. My introverted nature, combined with my massive Scorpio ways make it hard for me. I'm constantly reading people - even those that I really like. It's hard to talk when you're observing, watching, wary, hoping that you can trust a person.
I don't know how to open up to people - unless they're (mostly) strangers reading my blog. Hell, just knowing that people I know (and love dearly) are reading this makes me uncomfortable. Apparently, I feel safer in anonymity.
Well, fuck. That's dumb as hell, right?
Basically, I'm emotional for no damn reason. I'm already worried about being lonely - when it hasn't happened yet. And I'm too fucking introverted to do anything about it.
But it's my blog, and I'll emote if I want to. No worries, friends, the sexy stuff will be back tomorrow. I promise.
P.S. To those I call friend, I feel like I'm doing you a disservice, like I don't appear to value the friendship we have. It isn't true, I promise. I do love you. I guess I just want what other people have. (Further proof that there is a negative side to being a little, I guess.)