Have you ever felt like you were getting it all wrong? Yeah, me too.
I know that I'm kicking ass, taking names, and appear to be Wonder Woman to many people. But that's not how I feel. I'm stressed and frazzled; I have too much on my plate. There's nothing I can remove.
(Side note: I now understand how he felt (in a way); I now know why he let me go. It still hurts, but I get it. I was too much to manage and our relationship was the only thing he had control over in his life.)
I have moments when I think it's all too much. I can't keep up with what everyone needs. I can't meet everyone's high expectations. I can't do it. Except I keep pulling fucking rabbits of my
But I still feel like I'm failing. I'm sure I'm not, but it doesn't make the feeling go away. I can't seem to find a moment to breathe. I can't control my own emotions. I feel powerless - to the people around me, to the needs of my children, to my own expectations.
And I'm alone. I know I have people in my life who genuinely care about me. I'm not truly alone. I get it. It doesn't change the way I feel.
I crave touch, interaction, closeness. The things I can't have, of course. Ironically, these are the things I'm afraid of, too.
And in response to my own unhappiness, I lash out at the few people who do care. It starts a cycle of self-loathing that I can't seem to break. When did I become this person?
There's no fix for my problem other than to get over it. Unfortunately, I can't just make all my obligations go away. And when I take time for myself (otherwise known as getting sick and sleeping), I miss the people who care about me.
I feel like I'm getting it all wrong...and I don't know how to fix it.