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6 Ways to Figure Out Your Kinks

Image of woman in puppy mask with the title 6 Ways to Figure Out Your Kinks as a sponsored post for SofiaGray.com

Figuring out your kinks is different for everyone. Some people know from childhood that they’re into certain things. Others of us (*raises hand*) don’t figure it out until we’re well into adulthood — I was 32. But even once you know you’re kinky, there’s still plenty more to discover. The kinks you’ve figured out (rough sex, spankings, bondage) might be the tip of the iceberg. So how do you find your kinks? There are multiple ways!

Watch Porn

Please don’t use porn as a how-to tutorial on kinky sex. You’re watching people who know exactly what they’re doing or who are being coached off-screen. Porn is fantasy and excitement, not a YouTube tutorial. That being said, it can be a great way to discover new kinky desires. You might not always know the same for what you’re watching, but if it excites you, it may be worth exploring further. For the best porn for kinky fuckery, choose porn behind a paywall — yes, that means you need to exchange cash for your porn. It’ll be better quality AND you’ll be a responsible, ethical kinkster who contributes to the adult stars turning you and giving you kinky ideas.

Read Erotica

One of the first erotic books I ever read was called Yes, Sir — an anthology of short erotic stories. I used it as my foreplay in my underwhelming sex life with my first husband. I didn’t quite understand that I was reading Dominance and submission erotica, but I did understand that I really liked the idea of giving up control and someone else taking charge. For all the legitimate criticism that 50 Shades of Grey gets, it was definitely a gateway for a lot of people discovering BDSM. The written word is powerful — whether it’s a published book that sells millions of copies or a sex blog of one person’s fantasies and thoughts.

Listen to Podcasts

Audio porn is definitely a thing, as is erotic ASMR. So if you’re more of a listener than a reader or watcher, you’re in luck. People (like Girl on the Net) record sexy stories written by others or themselves all the time. Then there are people like John Brownstone and myself who simple talk about BDSM and kink (over at LovingBDSM), sharing our experiences and thoughts on the subject in an effort to educate. If you’re curious about kinks on any level or if the idea of listening to something sexy IS your kink, you’ve got more options than you realize.

Lurk on Kinky Social Media

I say lurk because I tend to learn a lot through observation, but if you’re the type who likes to jump into conversations, go for it. Kinky people are everywhere and on every platform. Watch YouTube videos, follow kinksters on Twitter, join kinky Facebook groups (they’re nearly all “secret” groups but once you discover one, you’ll usually find a lot more). Join Fetlife. If you know you’re kinky on some level, even if you don’t have the words to describe it yet, social spaces are a great place to learn more.

Fetlife is probably the best place to discover the most kinks, as well as the most specific, niche fetishes. Start clicking around, and you’ll find groups, journal entries, and people into all kinds of things.

If Twitter is your social media of choice, follow chats like SexTalkTuesday or FetChat as a way to learn more about sex and kink, in general, as well as about specific kinks.

Experiment with a Partner

As long as your partner consents, try whatever intrigues you. Educate yourself a bit first. Don’t hit someone with a flogger until you’ve practiced using it on a pillow. Don’t tie someone up until you learn a bit about bondage first. That being said, if the kinky thing you want to try involves role play, a bit of dirty talk, or a variation of sex you’re comfortable with, start playing to learn what you like (and don’t like).

Pro tip: When you try a new kinky thing with a partner, check in frequently. Ask “Does this feel good?” or “Can I keep going?” to make sure they’re still into it.

Hire a Professional

Pro Dominants/Dommes and pro submissives exist. They are people you can PAY to help you explore a kinky desire. Some non-Dom/sub sex workers may also be able to provide a kinky sex service you’re looking for, too. Don’t expect just any professional to do whatever you want to hire them for — they get to negotiate what they will and won’t do just as much as any other partner. But to experiment with and explore a specific kink, sometimes a professional can help you learn more than you could on your own. Work with them long enough, and you may discover kinks you didn’t know you had.

Keep Learning

Being kinky, whether you’re like me and prefer a structured D/s relationship or you just have things you’re into (like smelling used panties, masturbating to pictures of feet, or tying people up), is a path, a journey. Yes, that’s so cliche, but it’s also true. With enough time and experience, we discover new kinks and desires. Literally anything can be a kink so it’s possible that you’re into more fuckery than you can possibly imagine right now — simply because you don’t know it exists yet.

Once you start down a kinky path, keep your mind open for new and exciting possibilities. Read sexy words. Listen to sexy stories. Watch sexy things. Do all that, and you’ll continue to find new kinks to explore and new ways to explore your current kinks.

Post sponsored by Sofia Gray

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Hi Kayla,
    I so much from your blogs. How do I go about finding a professional Dom? I have been with my Dom for almost a year and a half and we have only played together twice. The relationship has been pretty vanilla and when I bring up training and negotiations we never pursue it.

    I would like to be formally trained.

    • If you’re already in a relationship, the first step is to talk about this with your current partner. Seeing another dominant (pro or otherwise) without their knowledge may cause serious issues within your relationship. That being said, finding professionals is harder than it has been in the past because so many are being deplatformed (kicked off sites). Anywhere kinksters gather (social media, Fetlife, etc), you can find people. But it may be worth checking your local community — a munch or a BDSM dungeon to point you in the right direction to find someone, locally or online.

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