I sometimes dream of a life of leisure. One where I wake up late(ish) every day, savor my cup of coffee before casually opening my laptop. I write for a few hours and then read. Hang out — online and with friends in person. Cook dinner with John Brownstone. Spend my evenings doing whatever interests me. Time would move slowly because I would move through life unhurried and with few goals.
It’s a strange dream to have because when given the opportunity to live that dream, even temporarily, I do the opposite. My head fills with ideas, plans, things I’d like to try, goals to achieve. More, more, MORE. The slower life gets, the faster my brain moves.
The worst part is, now that I understand how my bipolar disorder works — mania is my most creative period, depression is my apathetic period — I never know if these new ideas are genuine or if it’s my brain revving up and moving too fast. Before my diagnosis, I would jump on any and all ideas that really grabbed me. (Not all ideas are created equal. Some make me say, “Hm, that would be nice to try” and others make me say, “YES I MUST DO THIS NOW!!!”) And then I’d have the inevitable feeling of failure when I couldn’t keep up with my new ideas and had to drop them.
So are all these ideas just my manic brain’s natural churn? Or are these genuine ideas that can go somewhere?
What all do I want to do? Well…
Blog every damn day in June — a Hyacinth Jones challenge
Post an Instagram image with caption every day for #DearJune — a Hannah Witton challenge
Bring back the Smutlancer podcast — which really is in the works, but I have to make it happen
Start working out and eating healthy (for me) again — and chronicle it in some way (I have ideas, lol)
Write daily for the Smutlancer
Spend more time with John Brownstone — and refocus on our D/s and kinky fuckery
Do more to promote Loving BDSM — and hire someone to help me (already in the works)
Bring back the Masturbation Monday podcast (with John Brownstone’s help)
Ideas roll around in my brain all the time. These are the ones I can’t stop thinking about. Which tells me they’re probably real. Unlike ideas that come and go on a puff of air.
Am I really capable of slowing down and doing less? Not when new ideas flood my brain and get me excited. Not when I enjoy the (healthy) hustle and grind of building something out of nothing.
Will I do all of these things? No clue. I’ve learned over time that if I want to try a new idea, I need to let an old one go. Trying to do All The Things leads to burn out.
I’m not going to worry about accomplishing everything on this list. Not all at once or right away. Right now, I’m going to blog every damn day and see what happens. It might be 500 words, it might be 5, but it’ll be something. Because this challenge (which I did last year) gives me a reason to do what started it all and focus on what I love — sharing my thoughts and connecting.
Whether I speed up, slow down, or (one day) maintain a steady pace, one thing is certain: Can’t stop, won’t stop.
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