If I could go back in time, to early 2013, when the thought of letting John Brownstone get too close terrified me, I have so many things I would say.
This scares you because it’s right. No, you don’t believe in love at first sight or first contact, but you found your match in this one, and you know it.
The terror you feel comes not from doubt but from certainty. You’ve never had anything good before. It always ended badly in the past. Don’t be afraid of the sureness you feel. Embrace it.
You can’t stop thinking about him because you’re good together. This is real.
Yes, it’s okay to be nervous, but you’ve got to stop testing him. Except, of course, without those tests you’ll question everything. Okay, “test” him. Make sure he’s consistent, but when he is, believe him!
This man will stand by you through the weird, the good, the bad, the harrowing, and the messy. Treasure him.
He also gives amazing hugs. From the very first one, you won’t want to let go. It’s okay because he doesn’t want to let go either.
One day, you’re going to wake up every morning by his side, as his wife. (I know it sounds unbelievable right now, but stay with me here). And every morning, you’re going to stumble out of the bed and into his arms where he will bury his nose in your chest as if there’s no other place he’d rather be.
You know that vulnerable feeling that terrifies you? Get used to it. It’s not going anywhere, and in a few months, you’ll be his babygirl and he’ll be your Daddy, and you won’t remember why that used to make you nervous. In a few months from right now, you’ll trust him enough to show your most vulnerable submissive side, and he will love you all the more for it.
Oh, and that biting humor you think is an impediment to love? He’ll think that’s one of the best things about you…except when you turn it on him. But neither of you will mind so much because the punishment is way better than the crime.
The two of you are going to do things together that sound like magical thinking right now. You’re going to build a personal and professional life, and it will blow your mind.
I know, 2013-me, you don’t believe me. You’re too bruised from past heartache and too new to this sexual side of yourself. The kids are yelling and whining, you’re overwhelmed, and all you want is to be held close and loved.
You don’t know it yet, but that day is coming. Frankly, it would be here already if you weren’t so damn scared.
On This Valentine’s Day
All week long, John Brownstone and I have looked at each other and said, “Should we be planning something for Valentine’s Day?” Between work and kids and just…life, it barely dawned on us that the “holiday of love” was approaching. Truly I was more excited that I was able to re-hire our old cleaning service, and they were coming on February 13 to make the house smell good again.
But celebrating what is, essentially, a marketing ploy disguised as love wasn’t necessary either. But we did mark the occasion — lunch at a new-to-me restaurant, on the water, with creme brûlée for dessert. And enjoyed our time together, just being.
I worried that my lack of care about the holiday said something about my commitment to him. That I had let my work override our relationship, that was I neglecting him. When I realized he didn’t care much about it either, I felt better.
And then I had a revelation.
We show each other, in a thousand big and small ways every single day, how much we love each other. Neither of us saves it up to dole out on a single day of the year. Our willingness to express our feelings all the time means we don’t need a special day to do it. February 14 is just another day.
But it’s a day I was given chocolate I like, and he got the mocha latte drink he loves. So we “celebrated” like we celebrate our love every day. By being good to each other.
And really, that’s all either of us need.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! The prompt this week is about time-travel. I’m not the most sentimental person, and I rarely wish I’d done things differently. Even when things turn out awful, I try to find a purpose for it – so wishing my past away means wishing away who I am today. But hindsight being what it is, there are things past me should have realized, and if given a chance, I’d tell her. But, I know me, and I wouldn’t have believed it until I felt it for myself.
And that image at the top? That’s the naked version of my morning hug. Yes, it’s as good as it looks.