The Danger of Subfrenzy

Subfrenzy – the rush that new and sometimes long-term submissives find themselves in when they finally get to submit to a Dom (or think they’re about to).

If most of what we do in BDSM is mental (and it is, y’all), it should come as no surprise that sometimes we submissives can go a little wild aka subfrenzy (<== click to read a great explanation for it).

I don’t necessarily mean running through the streets naked, kneeling for anyone who gives us that glimmering stare and uses The Dom Voice – you know the one. No, this is a different wildness that can overtake us so that, in our rush to submit, we do it too quickly, too willingly, without enough thought, and sometimes with the wrong person.

While that rush can feel good, because here we are finally feeling like who we were meant to be our entire lives, subfrenzy isn’t always a positive experience – even though you might not see it until after you’ve calmed the hell down.

For those who haven’t submitted in a long time or ever, you might not be able to stop subfrenzy when it hits you but if you’re aware of the dangers, you might be able to protect yourself a little better.

Ignoring Your Own Needs

One defining trait of a submissive in subfrenzy is a pliability in our submission that allows us to ignore what we enjoy, want, or need in order to give our Dominant only what they want. I remember it well in my first D/s relationship. He wanted a strict, disciplined power exchange and I gave it to him. What I didn’t realize at the time (because I was so new to BDSM) was that I need more flexibility and playfulness in my relationships.

I like to think I would have figured it out eventually. But because I was unwilling to spend time thinking about my own needs, it’s very possible I would have become stifled and miserable before I figured it out. I convinced myself  that what he wanted was what we would do (thank you subfrenzy and a lack of experience), and I can see now the problems we would have had later on.

D/s is a two-way street. Sure, in your dynamic, your Dominant may have total control but their control and what you allow is always negotiable. In order to feel fulfilled as a submissive, your Dominant needs to know what you like, want, need – and don’t. In the midst of subfrenzy it’s very easy to gloss over our own needs because we’re so excited to serve, submit, and please.

Not Communicating Well

A lack of communication can happen in the best D/s relationships and to the most experienced kinksters, but in the middle of subfrenzy, “Yes” becomes the default. A submissive can easily tell themselves that they know so little that their best option is to follow their Dominant unquestioningly. Here’s how that can look:

  • You don’t tell your Dominant you don’t feel well.
  • You don’t tell them you could be triggered by something – or that you have been triggered after the fact.
  • You don’t tell them that the kinky fuckery they’re talking about scares the holy living terror out of you and borders on a hard limit.

Why? Because in subfrenzy, we can go on autopilot. “Yes, Sir,” “Yes, Ma’am,” or the one I said most often, “Whatever pleases you.”

There’s not a damn thing wrong with being that kind of submissive and seeking to please, but there must always be an open line of communication. When you’re dealing with subfrenzy, it can feel impossible to speak up. Not out of fear (hopefully) but because you ache to please and you believe that a submissive should be able to take whatever their Dominant gives without complaint.

Choosing or Staying with a Bad Dominant

To me, this is by far the most dangerous part of subfrenzy. In that rush to submit for the first time (or the first time in a long time), a submissive will ignore obvious (to the rest of us) red flags and signs of a total asshole posing as a Dominant. They incorrectly believe:

  • It will get better.
  • The Dominant will change.
  • This might be their only chance to submit. Ever.
  • This is how D/s is supposed to be (regardless of what their own intuition is screaming at them).

No, no, no, NO! 

I recognize just how fortunate I was that my first Dominant was decent. Neither of us realized I was in subfrenzy or what it was, but by and large, he did his best for me and taught me a lot. But when submissives email me or reach out to me, it’s often with questions about whether this bad act or that douchebaggery is “normal” or “okay.” And the messages always end with, “But I love them so much, and I’m afraid I’ll never get to submit to anyone else!”

Here’s some real talk, y’all, if this is you. Run screaming from that asshole as soon as you can. If you’re reaching out to a virtual stranger like me (and feel free, I don’t mind, I promise) to ask whether you should leave someone or not and listing out a series of bad behaviors that you wouldn’t want a friend to experience, you already know the answer. You’re either seeking permission to walk away or reassurance of…what? That’s it not that bad? If you have to ask, nine times out of ten, it is exactly that bad and possibly worse.

And that feeling that you may never get to submit again so you might as well stick with this one? Good Dominants around the world are growling and grimacing right now at this very idea. They’re out there but it’s hard to compete with the liars who tell you what you want to hear, get you to submit, and then act shitty until you finally leave.

My education in subfrenzy came long after I was through it. Hindsight being what it was, I could not only see the “frenzy” I was in because submission felt So. Damn. Good. but also the pitfalls and potential problems that I (luckily) avoided. If you’re new to this whole thing, you might not be able to stop subfrenzy, but you can educate yourself. And I don’t care how good it feels to submit, if your gut is screaming at you that something is wrong, there probably is.

I’m very interested to hear from anyone who’s been through subfrenzy (good or bad) and how you behaved during it. And Doms, if you’ve survived your own sub’s frenzy, tell us about that, too. Share in the comments!

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Oh lord do I understand this , oh too well! my first Dom or so called do , was my now ex husband. He was handsome , conferdent and just everything I thought a Dom shoud be. He took my highly sub nature and used it to get what ever he wanted.what started out as a happy and somewhat loving thing , quickly turned in to something dark and frightening. I am not going to go in to details , but I will say it came to a horrid , bloody and vile end, that saw me very nearly loose my life. it is only now that I have a darling man in my life , who takes care of me and time and time has put my needs above his own , That I relise that , it is only meant to hurt when we are both getting something from it, if you fallow?! well that is my take on it any how!

  • I wish, I wish I would have seen this a year ago. An experienced Dom & friend in our community turned me on to this article. He was worried about me after a bad break with my daddy, whom I mistakenly married.

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