Lately I’ve had a lot of conversations about pain, pleasure, and play with different people in different places. I’m a masochist and even though I only like specific kinds of pain and torture and almost none of what I consider “extreme” play, it’s a label I proudly use for myself.
I’ve found that plenty of people have misconceptions about what sadism and masochism are, and like everything we do in BDSM, it’s a spectrum of activity and sensations.
Which means, of course, we had to do a Loving BDSM podcast episode about it. This is pretty big topic to cover so it’s our longest show to date. While I think we covered a lot of pieces and parts on the topic, there’s no way we could cover it all. If we missed something or created more questions than we answered, let us know, and if we need to, we’ll do another show about it.
From the show:
- John Brownstone is having a sale on his (very vanilla) Etsy shop – The Wood Dom!
- S & M is separate from D/s – you can be one, but not the other.
- Not every kinkster is into pain.
- One of you can be into it and not the other and still make it work
- A non-masochist sub may consider it part of their submission, another way to make a Dominant happy; a non-sadist may try it out to make a submissive happy or fill a need
- You can “outsource” S&M if one of you is into it and the other isn’t – find someone you like and trust who can top or bottom for you to fulfill that need, a play partner
- Common myths:
- There’s only one type of S&M play – the extreme stuff
- Masochists/subs are supposed to be quiet all the time – LOL
- S & M is very serious business – yes, it is because of safety issues but there’s room for fun and laughter, too
- Sadists are mean and masochists are extreme
- S&M isn’t always about sharp pain – it can be about torture and fear in a variety of forms:
- Edged/forced orgasms
- Mind fucks
- Humiliation play
- Sensation play
- Impact play
- S&M can cause pain in one of three ways: physical, mental, or emotional (or a combination) – another reason to play very safe and use safewords and give aftercare
- Dom Space – being hyper focused on submissive and the scene
- Sub Space – getting high on feel good chemicals
Listen to the show:
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I agree with your introduction. As a consensual sadist I have played with all sorts of bottoms, submissives, and masochists. Each relationship is unique and how we play has to reflect that uniqueness.
Absolutely. We can’t be put into a box because every interaction with a new person will be different for so many reasons. 🙂
I am listening to this podcast now. And I love listening to you and John Brownstone. I could probably listen to you guys for over two hours talking about what you talked about. I love listening to you guys because it’s more personal than it is just finding resources because some of those resources out there scare the hell out of me. So thank you very much for having this podcast be just about your personal experiences and stuff that you have feelings about.
Awww, thanks, Nikki. Yeah, we want to share personal experiences more than anything because that’s what makes this real versus the fantasy that’s already out there. And when we share resources, we try to make sure they’re the good (not scary, lol) kind. 🙂