I'm usually pretty picky about what I'll read, in general, and even more so about what I'll read to review. That being said, I made the promise to author, Ken Llewellyn, several months ago that I would give his new (okay, so by now it's "newish") book Save Your Marriage the Sexy Way a try and a review.
I can see why he might think of me (other than my willingness to pimp authors in general). The main premise of his book discusses male Dominant/female submissive sex - but in a non-BDSM lifestyle kind of way, think kink-light. I can see why he thought it might appeal to me. He was wrong, but I understand why he asked.
Well, let me tell you what I think...
Save Your Marriage the Sexy Way: My Thoughts
Let me say, first of all, that the book itself is not poorly written. I received a PDF version (in exchange for an honest review) and my eyes didn't bleed trying to decipher through poor grammar, bad spelling, and questionable punctuation.
Second, he stuck to his guns when it came to the basic premise. While I don't agree with his premise, at least he was consistent. So basically, even if I don't agree with what he says, it doesn't mean that the book is poorly constructed or that the advice won't work for some readers.
But it didn't work for me. Not at all.
He begins by saying that most people regret their divorce within a few years of the divorce being finalized. I've never heard that statistic in my life, and frankly, most of the people I know who are divorced (and damn, that's a lot of people) wouldn't agree, either.
Next, he doesn't really go into detail on the multiple reasons why people may be unhappy in their marriage, especially women, but believes sex is the cure. As a woman who left her husband and is damn grateful I finally came to my senses, I wasn't letting my husband get anywhere near any part of me, let alone close enough to pull my hair or "command" my orgasms, as he suggests. It felt, to me, like the author blew past all the really legitimate reasons a woman might not want to have sex with her husband in order to get to his beliefs about what will fix a marriage.
The next "nope, not for me" moment was the assumption that all women would respond to their partner dominating them (even a little) in the bedroom and that all men ("real" men as he calls them) would want to. Well, hell, as a kinkster, I know for a fact that men can be submissive, women can be dominant, and both can switch back and forth. Traditional gender roles are great for the people who want/need/like them, but we don't live in a world where people are willing to conform to that anymore (and I don't think we should live in that world.)
It goes on from there, and gets worse, in my kinky eyes. He continues to refer to men who take charge in life and in the bedroom as "real" men. And he blows past the whole idea of consent. Now, to be fair, he's not advocating full blown kink in the way that those of us into BDSM and D/s would think about it. And for some marriages, trying out a hair-pull or a light tap on the ass might be a way to find out if your partner responds to something a bit rougher or more dominant. But when he advocated controlling a wife's orgasms and telling her to call her husband "Sir" with the assumption that she'd read 50 Shades of Grey, understood what that meant, and would be willing (without prior negotiation, conversation, and agreement), I had to close the book.
That's right, I didn't even finish it.
I Don't Completely Disagree With Him On Every Point
One of his main points is that a good sexual connection can set a couple back on course. If your marriage is on the rocks and you have lost the intimacy, yes, I think finding that connection again can help. But you have to deal with whatever issues have upset your marriage first.
I also think that for some people, when a husband takes charge, it can do something for them that they enjoy. But I'm uncomfortable with the assumption that every marriage should try this (especially since the entire premise is based on a heterosexual marriage with gender norms - and we know that's not the case for every marriage).
If, big "if," your marriage lacks intimacy and sexual touch. If your problems aren't about betrayal of trust, lack of confidence, or a myriad of other things that can kill a marriage. If one of you is the more "dominant" one and the other is more "submissive" - and no, it's not a male/female thing or even a sex thing. If all of that holds true (and that's a lot of "ifs") then maybe his tips will work for you.
Assuming your spouse (husband or wife) isn't cheating on you, stealing from you, lying to you, or doing any one of a million things that might kill your marriage...and assuming that you're not in the middle of some of the hardest years of marriage (the baby years when NO ONE is sleeping and very few are having any sex at all - except to make more babies), and assuming that all of those "ifs" I mentioned are true, yes, his sexy tips could save your marriage. Maybe.
Rekindling that spark, discovering a new world of sex, and figuring out your roles (whatever they may be) can definitely help a marriage. I won't pretend that it can't. But that doesn't mean his way is the right way for a majority of people.
About Save Your Marriage the Sexy Way
In all fairness, someone out there might be helped by this book (because you checked off all those damn "ifs" I mentioned), so here, I will share the info with you:
IN THIS BOOK YOU WILL FIND OUT -
Why your marriage is worth saving - How to supercharge your sex-life - How to futureproof your marriage from failure - Why so many regret divorce - How to unleash testosterone and estrogen for the best sex you have ever had - How to heighten your intimacy and closeness - How to give your partner such great sex that they will keep wanting more - How to rekindle love that is growing cold - How to increase your partner's desire for you many times over. A totally practical guide. Includes multitudes of tips and 'how-tos'.
Ken Llewellyn is an expert on male-female relationships. An international author and speaker, he has addressed audiences on virtually every continent of the globe.
Want to learn more? You can check out Save Your Marriage the Sexy Way on Goodreads.