I have a secret I want to share with all the submissives in the room. Lean in a little, this will be just between us, m’kay? Okay, here goes.
You have as much responsibility towards your Dominant as they do to you.
So let’s clear the air in here…
If Dominance is about leading, taking charge, commanding, guiding, and respecting a submissive, then submission is about following, bending, trusting, and respecting a Dominant. I think most of us can agree with this.
But in a long-term, loving relationship, there’s more…so much more. Even I can forget this sometimes.
All the ways I take care of him
For every relationship, this is going to look different, but there are many ways I take care of Daddy…
- I make his coffee every morning and every night.
- I turn the bed down and set his alarm before we go to bed.
- I cook and clean – but he always helps when I need it.
- I pack his lunch for the next work day.
- I run the errands.
- I am sexually available whenever he’s ready. There are no “I have a headache tonight, honey” statements in our life.
There are probably a million more things I do that I’m not even thinking about right now. Some of these things are tasks we discussed, negotiated, and agreed upon. Some are things I do that make me happy because I know they make his life easier or they make him happier.
He takes care of me, too.
He makes sure I get enough sleep at night, that I eat well, that I get some exercise in. He makes sure that I don’t become a complete hermit. He believes in my dreams and pushes me to achieve my goals. He takes care of me when I’m sick. He takes care of me when I go down the mental rabbit hole of doubt, worry, and over-thinking.
The time we forgot to take care of each other
We’d each had a bad couple of days.
His computer was in pieces and parts around the house. He’d replaced every part he could think of and the next stop was an improbable part switch or a bad motherboard which required a warranty swap-out. All of it required time. Time that was maddening to him when every plan we’d had was on hold until the problem was fixed. Worse yet, no one else could give him an easy solution to the problem. Something weird was going on, and it made him crazy.
I’d received a message from someone who didn’t have the most positive things to say about my writing – although she was sweet, professional, and courteous about the whole thing. I was swimming in self-doubts, weighed down in my thoughts.
He didn’t have the patience for my rabbit hole.
I didn’t have the patience for his agitation at a situation he couldn’t control.
Neither of us spoke much. Neither of us reached for the other. We settled into our own heads. When we did speak, it was in biting tones with quick verbal jabs.
I’m not good at being unhappy with him. I knew there was a problem, and I wanted to fix it. Now.
“We’re not doing a good job of taking care of each other, are we, Daddy?”
He could only nod in agreement.
We took a shower together that night out of habit only. Gone were the teasing words, the silly laughter, and the intimacy we often enjoy as the only waking moments we sometimes have alone.
“I don’t like this, Daddy.”
“Neither do I, babygirl.”
We got back on track.
Later that night, after the boys had gone to bed, after we’d aired our grievances with the world at large and each other and talked it out, we felt more normal.
I had been able to admit that I hadn’t liked that he hadn’t pulled me out of my swirling negative thoughts the way he usually did. I also admitted that I should have done a better job of understanding where his head was at, that I should have supported him better, too.
He was able to admit the same things in reverse. Being a Daddy, he was quick to hold me accountable, though. “Your words with me were harsh, babygirl.”
I immediately felt ashamed. Regardless of what we’re doing and what’s happening, I’m his submissive. The expectation is that I will endeavor always to be polite – at the very minimum.
That night, when we went to bed, he had the ball gag and the paddle that leaves welts laid out on the bed. The pleading began.
“The ball gag?! Daddy! But…but…but that’s only to keep me quiet! Do you expect that I’ll need to be quiet??” There might have been a little panic in my voice.
“I didn’t like how you spoke to me, babygirl. And I think we both could use a bit of this.”
Many minutes and moments later, when I was a gooey mess of relaxed babygirl in the middle of the bed, I was able to admit he was right. A quick paddling from one of his harsher toys had worked wonders for us both, and made the small but negative event feel finished.
What I’d forgotten in the midst of my own issues was that he often needs me for the same reasons I need him. It’s not just about Domination and submission for us (although it is a very fulfilling part of our relationship). We’re best friends and lovers. We support each other in everything. From time to time, he needs tender loving care as much as I do.
If I can impart any “wisdom” to anyone, it would be that even in the middle of a hot and heavy D/s relationship, we need to take care of each other beyond the kinky needs. He is always my Dominant, my Daddy, but when he’s having a bad day or a bad moment, he needs me less as a needy babygirl and more as his partner who will help him overcome whatever issue he may be tackling. We have to take care of each other – in kinky and vanilla ways.
Kayla this is so important to remember and where many couples begin to go their separate ways. Bridging the gap after many years of such polarization is damn near impossible 🙂
I almost typed “I can’t imagine how hard it must be after so many years” and then I realized that I can…and it’s part of why I’m divorced. But I do believe that it’s not insurmountable for anyone willing to work hard. 🙂
It is hard work to be happy regardless of your dynamic. It takes a selflessness many of us struggle to consistently employ. I love that you are sharing the daily struggles of living D/s authentically. Squishy boob hugs!
Mmmm, squishy boob hugs on a Monday morning. Come here. I could use more of that. /giggles
And yes, I think more people need to see the reality, the struggle, and the fact that at the end of all the kinky fuckery, we’re two people trying to build something together. You do a good job of that yourself, by the way. 🙂
So easy to get caught in our own heads when the world comes at us. You have a wonderful awareness that will take you both far. It takes work to keep that awareness alive,.
It definitely does. I think it helps that we both live in our head a lot. We’re constantly thinking.